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First post wondering about time

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WhatmorecanIdo posted 5/18/2014 08:06 AM

So this is my first post on here. I have a question of the time for getting over the worst of it. It has been nearly 2 years since d-day of a strickly online relationship. While I have done all I can to reassure my wife that I have not done anything else. She is still just as suspecious as she was the week after d-day. The constant where are you going? who is going to be there? and calling my friends to see if I am there. Not to mention now she spends more time on my phone then I do. But when I am on it, she is right there over my shoulder. How long does this last? I realize that its like this because it is my fault. And I know she was a little like this before the incident. But how long does it have to go on? I know its my fault, and I deserve to hurt for it, but for how long?

anothermoron posted 5/18/2014 08:23 AM

Er. I can't leave the house on my own except for work. May not have that for long either as cancelled business trips and work functions = career in trouble. Count your blessings

anothermoron posted 5/18/2014 08:25 AM

Also, if shes still suspicious maybe its because she doesnt understand what happened yet, hasnt had enough facts etc. if she doesnt understand it, she has no idea whether it will happen again

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/18/2014 13:19 PM

The constant where are you going? who is going to be there? and calling my friends to see if I am there. Not to mention now she spends more time on my phone then I do. But when I am on it, she is right there over my shoulder. How long does this last?

What if that lasts until the day you die? Can you be ok with that? She is your wife and she deserves to know where you are going and who you are going to be with, despite the fact that you have given her reason not to believe you. Whether you have had an affair or not, you should be letting your wife know where you go and who you are with. That's respect and transparency. I'm 4 years out. I still take pictures for my BH when I go out with my girlfriends. Not because he thinks I am up to anything, but because I never want to give the impression of impropriety. I never want him to have a reason to doubt me again. If I am proactive about my whereabouts and what I am doing, he never will have a need to.

So how long does this last? As long as you are willing. And when your not, you can most likely go your separate ways. If I had to guess, the reason she is still suspicious is because you haven't shown her there is a reason not to be. You haven't put the work in to fix yourself. I might be wrong, but unfortunately the tone of your post suggests that you are impatient.

This is going to take a long time and a lot of hard work on your part. Demonstrating any kind of impatience with the process will not serve you well. Show her you are trustworthy by working on yourself and being proactive with your actions.

WhatmorecanIdo posted 5/18/2014 14:36 PM

I have done all I can. I got a new phone so that she can use an app to see where I am, I quit one of my mens groups so I wasnt going out. I quit one of my hobbies so that I wasnt going hiking. I got another part time job, so I had someplace specific to be while she is at work. And I got rid of my laptop and work laptop, so that all we have now is the kitchen computer. I am not sure what else I can do.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/18/2014 15:40 PM

Those are all well and good. But what have you done to work on you?

Have you gone to IC to work on your why? What have you done to change the behaviors that led to the decisions you made? Internally. What behaviors did you have that made making the decision to go outside of your M ok? Have you say and had long talks with your wife about those behaviors and what you would like to do to become the man you want to be?

What books have you read? Are you being supportive and acknowledging her hurt or do you get defensive when she brings your affair up?

Have you tried to rugsweep your A? By that I mean try to move on without working through all of the issues that led up to your A. Did you have a period of time that you tries to lie your way out of it? Did you try to minimize your actions? Have you blamed your wife for your unhappiness? These things can be quite damaging and add time to healing.

Perhaps you can share more of what's going on so we can help you better.

somethingremorse posted 5/19/2014 08:31 AM

Eggshelz is right. How have you changed in your relationship with your BW? When she looks at you, she is asking "What has changed so that he won't do this again?"

Your post didn't have a lot of specifics, so maybe you are working on yourself and your M. If that is the situation, then keep up the good work.

If you are not working on yourself, then it sounds like you are "white-knuckling it." You might be able to never have another A just by keeping yourself out of sticky situations. But there is no way that your BW can be sure about that.

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