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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: How to separate?
♀ 41586
Member # 41586
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kicked him out. He's staying at his moms. We have 3 kids, ages 6, 4, and 11 months.

Tonight we are supposed to work out the details of the separation. He is going to want to see the kids every day. I feel like I shouldn't have to see him everyday. I want to give him weekends which is when I work. I was thinking of weaning both him and the kids, eliminating one weekday each week and adding time to the weekends. The problem with full weekends is that the baby is still breadtfed and does not take a bottle. He has dietary restrictions and breastmilk is his primary form of nutrition.

Is it reasonable for me to enforce a separation with these terms. He would eventually get Friday evening until Monday morning.

He's sleeping in my nieces room. There will really be no place for the kids.

Back history: Problems for years with arguing. Lots of arguments over drinking and driving (he's in the wine business). He had an affair in September that started when he was drunk at a party and he fingered her and stayed at her house, and it lasted 25 days. He quit drinking recently for 6.5 weeks, and then it started again with full force, him not coming home at night, texts with a "profession friend" that I told him not to continue with but he tried deleting.

I think he needs to hit rock bottom in order to change. Wouldn't Rick bottom include losing his kids half the week?

I will note that I'm no angel, and have been physically aggressive 2 times after I myself had been drinking and was not properly medicated for bipolarism(3 years ago and 3 months ago). I, however, have quit drinking and am effectively taking medication. I would never hurt my kids, and they have never even been spanked.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: GA
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd recommend talking to a lawyer and getting your ducks in a row. Find out what the laws are in your state. You don't want to do anything that could hurt you or your kids down the road.

Also, if you've started the separation/divorce process legally, perhaps you won't be responsible for bills/damaged incurred if he gets in trouble with DUI, etc.

Knowledge is power. You are the parent of your future self, as well as the only sane parent for your kids. Get legal advice.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4420 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

When my ex and I first started mediating, he wanted every weekend too since he works during the week and couldn't do 50/50.

I know your kids are young, but that's not great for you later on. The kids will go to school all day during the week, and then when they finally come home, it's homework, bath time, dinner, dishes, off to bed, do it all again the next day.

Then he gets the weekends which can be care-free, responsibility-free, and totally focused on having fun with the kids.. And that's completely unfair to you.. You deserve fun time too..

I think all the custody rules are different when there is a nursing baby. There's no arguing who the baby needs to be with..

And he shouldn't have ANY overnights if he can't provide acceptable sleeping arrangements for them.

Just some things to think about for the future and how to word your parenting agreement.. You may want a different career later that follows the children's schedule more so that you can be home for them.. How you want the schedule now is probably not how you are going to want it when they go to school. You need some quality time with your kids..

And I'm proud of you for taking steps to keep yourself healthy. Keep it up

xBW~ 37
Two DS~ 9 and 13

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 41586
Member # 41586
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no such thing as legal separation in my state. The only way to have custody set up is through a separation maintenance agreement through the court, of which I would have to retain a lawyer and put down a $3000 deposit. It seems a bit steep if we are just separating for a month. I just want to be more sure of the direction we are headed in before making that financial commitment.

I am going back to school in the fall, and will need to continue working the schedule I work for the next couple of years.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: GA
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to tell you to file for D and work out visitation with temp orders...but then I saw your second post. If you want a month trial separation, have a clear end date in mind. take a look at your state's parental visitation guidelines (assuming they have them) and work from there. The baby will obviously have a different arrangement...that is not being unreasonable.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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