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Newest Member: W2MNL (46024)

User Topic: Serious Question..tmi
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So pretty regularly you see threads on here about porn and how destructive it is. Also pretty regularly you see threads on this site about the joys of BOB (Battery operated boyfriend). So I have a couple questions.

Since both are "tools" other than your Spouse to achieve sexual gratification are they really that different?

Are they an equal threat to the intimacy of the relationship?

Does it make a difference if the couple uses them together or when they are solo?

Should all "tools" be removed so all sexual gratification comes strictly and solely from your spouse?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great question.

When I use a BOB, even alone, my mind thinks of my H. I do not look at pictures of other naked men. So my H is still the focus of my sexual experience. Porn is different...you are looking at someone else to achieve orgasm, not your spouse.

I have made porn a no-no for my H but have allowed him to take pictures and video of me/us together. He watches that if he wants to masturbate and I am fine with that. I would be game for any fantasy he wants to make a video of....but NO porn. Ever again.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I use my toy (I don't call it BOB IRL), I don't look at images of other men, or porn. I am thinking about my husband.

However, I've only used it twice since dday, then stopped. I found it to be an unsatisfying experience. I achieved orgasm, but I felt...alone. I didn't like it and decided not to use it again..unless my husband wants to. So far, he hasn't asked if I wanted too..and considering the nature of HIS cheating..Im glad. So I haven't had any sexual gratification solo..only with my husband in the last 3-4 years. He,OTOH, has told me he masturbates once in awhile, in the shower(so no porn), and only if he and I haven't had sex in a few weeks(which happens occasionally, but very rarely).

I think BOB, just like porn, is up to the couple. If a husband feels insecure, or for ANY reason doesn't want his wife to use BOB, then I think it's fine that he tell her so..and I feel she should respect that and say goodbye to BOB.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:31 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8080 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are looking at someone else to achieve orgasm

What if an orgasm can only be achieved through mechanical help? Then you would be looking to the "tool" for an orgasm not your partner.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if an orgasm can only be achieved through mechanical help? Then you would be looking to the "tool" for an orgasm not your partner.

Open honest dialog about what is needed for a fulfilling sex life is a requirement. Some women have damage after having babies that makes O a little more challenging. Hormones can play a role in both desire and ability. It may be in some cases the H will have to put great effort into foreplay. But there is nothing a BOB does that a creative H can't do!!!

I don't know many women who prefer a BOB and go solo all the time while neglecting their husbands. I think this is kind of a straw man argument to make porn equal to toys when it is NOT.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for minimizing a situation.

But there is nothing a BOB does that a creative H can't do!!!

How would it sound if someone said "There is nothing porn does that a creative W can't do!!!"


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say bullshit. I can't be 20 years old again. And while I am considered to be very attractive, I can't compete with a 20 year old who has never had children. My body is changed because I had his kids. Oh...and I am VERY creative in the bedroom. The only thing I ever refused my husband was bringing in other people.

I understand what you're saying..what if a woman can NOT O without a BOB. I was one of those women when I was taking Cymbalta. WH is very good at foreplay, but I could NOT O with him. So...I didn't O...I had NO orgasm for 2 years.


I *could have* used a toy, but, again, it made me feel bad so I didn't. I was ok with that. WH, however, was not. It made him feel as if he was the problem. Even though I showed him many articles, etc, on the internet that said this was a very common problem for women who took Cymbalta. So me not being able to O was a big problem during year 2(after dday). It hurt his ego...and it made me feel guilty..even though *I* understood why I couldn't O...it made me feel bad for him. So..I stopped the Cymbalta.

If a woman absolutely can not O without a toy...then I guess she would have to talk to her partner and hope he understands that a woman's body is different when it comes to being able to O. If he still has a problem with it, then she can decide to either go without an O..or do something she knows upsets her partner.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:58 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8080 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if an orgasm can only be achieved through mechanical help? Then you would be looking to the "tool" for an orgasm not your partner.

This question upsets me somewhat b/c it betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of female sexuality and is akin to saying women should only orgasm at the behest of a magic penis.

Seriously? I can't orgasm from sex. Not oral, not PIV, none of it. I can with a toy. And so I do. When I'm in a relationship I incorporate the toy into the sex I have and when I'm not, I use it. And to somehow imply that my using a toy is akin to looking to something other than my spouse/partner to orgasm (i.e. cheating) and is threatening my intimacy with him (when in fact it does the opposite) offends me.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3201 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to somehow imply that my using a toy is akin to looking to something other than my spouse/partner to orgasm (i.e. cheating) and is threatening my intimacy with him (when in fact it does the opposite) offends me.

I am equating porn to toys in that they can both be tools. I'm not saying they both are cheating. I am just saying that if one is the other should be too.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Aug 2012
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on your relationship and what you decide as a couple. My h and I incorporate both porn and bob into our sex sometimes. We also do both solo. We have two young kids and it's hard to find time and energy after the kids are in bed. We both have needs an as long as we aren't using those in place of each other we are okay with it. But it's a Joint decision. My h has never had a porn addiction so I'm ok with him watching it from time o time.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's up to you and your partner. You get to decide what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I rarely do it alone (i did a lot while he was forsaking me for porn...) and i always think of my H, when I do. But here's the big difference. And it's huge. Even if I used a toy 20 times a day, I would still be able to have sex with him. When he woke up before me, and fapped his little heart out everyday, He had nothing left for me... His needs were met, before I even got a chance to get mine met.

And the toys don't have the same feeling. That alone feeling... Yeah, even hard orgasms were lacking. Not enough. I wanted my husband, not a piece of plastic.

The main difference, is though... In his head he was having sex with thousands of hot 20 somethings... My fantasies were about him.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 12:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some women are physically unable to O without a tool.

If it happened that my husband couldn't cum without looking at another woman on a screen...if he was unable to cum with me..but could because the whore on the screen was visually stimulating him more than me..then I wouldn't be with my husband anymore.

If a man has a problem with the fact that his wife can't O without a tool...then he can decide if he wants to continue to be with her.

I won't accept porn in MY life anymore. WH has choices. He can watch all the porn he wants. But he won't remain married to me.

It's not about control or punishing him. It's about MY feelings..and what I will and will not allow in my life anymore. I refuse to be ignored all the time because he already jacked it to the whore on the screen.

If a man has a problem with the fact that his wife can't O without a tool...then he has choices too.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:33 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8080 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think orgasms are over-rated. Alas, I didn't get that until I got hit with ED at 50 and then again in my early 60s. Really, they're over-rated.

I think this is another thing that a couple has to decide as a couple. For some, the right answer is no toy, no porn. For others, toys and/or porn are OK.

JMO and YMMV.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10753 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hardtimesinlife
♀ 10468
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are comparing apples to oranges. Both lead to the mystical BigO but the question is: Does using it hurt your partner or taint your intimacy?

That being said, if you were to ask whether using a BOB and using a sex toy designed to help a man reach orgasm (don't know a name to call it but I've heard of them) would be the same thing I think you'd find that most people would say there's no difference whatsoever.

If you were to compare porn to women needing to look at hot, naked, sweaty, muscular men using a hammer drill in order to have that BigO you'd be hearing from plenty of men who didn't like it one bit.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6176 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think they are the exact same thing. It is very hard for me to have an O without visual stimulation. one person needs physical tool and another needs a visual tool they are both tools. Should one really be better than or more acceptable than the other?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Aug 2012
LostAngry
♀ 40808
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How would it sound if someone said "There is nothing porn does that a creative W can't do!!!"

I would say bullshit. I can't be 20 years old again. And while I am considered to be very attractive, I can't compete with a 20 year old who has never had children. My body is changed because I had his kids. Oh...and I am VERY creative in the bedroom. The only thing I ever refused my husband was bringing in other people.

But not all porn is 20 year old perfect bodied women. A lot of porn is amateur people of all ages, shapes, and sizes. What if the issue is the BS is not willing to be *very creative* in the bedroom, thus the other spouse uses porn to fulfill that fantasy to achieve orgasm during masturbation?

Are Fleshlights acceptable for a male WS if the female BS uses a BOB, or vice versa? If your husband could only achieve an orgasm with a silicone toy would you be okay with that?

I agree with AFN, porn and toys are the same.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a person isn't "creative enough" does that give their spouse license to hire a prostitute? No. That's just as much gas lighting as saying yes to your question. I will say this... My fwh used my "lack of adventurousness" as an excuse to justify his porn use and prostitute... And it was a damn lie. I am a FREAK in the bedroom, with a much bigger libido... It's just what he told himself to help his feel less like the asshole that he was being.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you need visual stimulation..and are attracted to your partner, then what's wrong with opening your eyes and looking at your partner during sex? Im not asking flippantly, Im being serious.



BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8080 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I do and its great...I was talking about solo.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 51
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