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Future Contact With Her?

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BlackHorse posted 5/18/2014 10:09 AM

I am new here as of yesterday. I have another discussion called "Scared" which may fill in some of the details if anyone cares to read it.

My common-law wife and I broke up yesterday morning. She is staying with family for an extended period of time while obtaining medical assistance for ongoing medical issues. Two weeks into her stay with family - she did some "very harmful things" to our exclusive relationship.

She has been trying to contact me all yesterday afternoon and evening (through phone / e-mails / and Facebook) to explain things she feels we need to discuss.

I am not sure at this point whether it is a good idea for me to respond to her.

I cannot help think since we are over - she is just trying to ease her troubled mind about how she hurt me so she can move on with less regrets.

I am not sure if responding to her is an benefit to me at all. I cannot take anymore pain caused by her. The last nineteen days have been hell - and do not look as though they will get better any time soon.

Thank you - BlackHorse.

[This message edited by BlackHorse at 10:10 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

tfkeel posted 5/18/2014 10:57 AM

There is no need for any contact.

You are absolutely right. She simply wants to lie to you some more so she can assuage her guilt. She thinks it will "work"....but it won't.

Her guilt will continue, because deep inside, she knows there is no one to blame for this, but herself.

May God reward her according to her works.

Responding to her is of no benefit to you at all.

It will serve only to hurt you more and extend the time you need to recover and go on with your life.

Furious1 posted 5/18/2014 11:20 AM

I agree. She just wants to put her spin on things to ease her own guilt. I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing to break emotional ties with her. Hang in there.

Daddo posted 5/18/2014 12:08 PM

Your priority must be you.

You are hurt and damaged and you need to heal. If talking or responding to her doesn't help that, don't. At some point both of you may benefit from talking - but only you know if that is the case.

Let her know that you are in hurting too much to respond and that perhaps in a few months you can face her.

BlackHorse posted 5/18/2014 17:47 PM

I agree that contact with her is a bad idea.

Unfortunately I made a mistake! I should have checked back here before I plunged in sometime after my original post to this discussion to see the responses.

Yesterday when she was trying to contact me - I had the power. Yesterday she had sent me two e-mails / phoned me fifteen times - leaving three messages / and left numerous Facebook messages.

I stupidly left word on Facebook later this morning I was willing to communicate with her. She responded approximately 45 minutes later. She said she did not expect to hear from me ever again after I did not respond all day yesterday. I said I had not expected to communicate with her again.

I told her I would rather communicate over the phone and she phoned me since where she is staying has a better telephone long-distance plan.

Needless to say - I lost the power. I have been feeling like crap ever since. I knew it was a bad idea as I logged-in to Facebook - but there was no talking myself out of it.

We spoke of those things she thought was important for us to discuss. I mentioned a few things of my own. She said she would have to think about what I had suggested for us. Now I have placed myself on the receiving end of whenever she decides to communicate with me via e-mail.

Many times a day as I try to cope with the feelings inside of me - the realization hits me "that this is real" - that I have essentially lost "The Love Of My Life". There is no candy coating I can place over everything to make it all seem alright - even for a split moment.

Maybe strength will come in time - but it is not anywhere near me yet.

Thank you all for your replies - wish I had read them first before I made the mistake.

- BlackHorse.

lilacs40 posted 5/18/2014 17:54 PM

Black horse very few people do things perfectly after something like this. I wouldn't beat myself up over that.

Just because you spoke with her once doesn't mean you need to continue to. Start the 180 now to begin your healing. No contact equals no new hurts.

It will definitely take some time to work through this but you can come out the other side stronger. Make sure you take care of you. Eat, sleep, and focus your energy on things that you enjoy. Even if you can't enjoy them right away.

If you don't have IRL support (or maybe even if you do) find a therapist to talk to that can help you process the things you are going through.


BlackHorse posted 5/18/2014 19:03 PM

Thank you "lilacs40" for you words of understanding. After making "the mistake" this morning - I have been feeling so sick in both body and soul.

Sorry if I appear to be a bit dense right now, but could you tell me what is the "180"? I have seen it used on this site before but do not knows what it means.

[This message edited by BlackHorse at 7:12 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]

Junior posted 5/18/2014 19:07 PM

Sometimes we are compelled to do something that we know is not a good idea. The best thing to do after that is take a step back and see what we gained or lost. In this case you learned that your first instinct was correct. In the future trust it. No contact is now the order of the day.

The reality of the situation is not that you gave up your power. You gave it one last shot and it didn't work as you'd hoped. Ok, lesson learned now we move forward.

Were I in your place I'd start by directing her emails to my spam folder, then block her on Facebook. That will remove the temptation to look at those. Next thing would be to pack up and send all of her personal stuff via Canada Post or Fed Ex to where she is now living.

That will rid you of those reminders. The fewer triggers you are exposed to the easier it will be to move forward. It's hard enough to get this out of your head. Seeing a Facebook post, an email, her clothes or pictures is adding a whole other layer of potential hurt over which you have no control.

I wall add that relationships that have large gaps of time and distance apart are some of the most difficult to navigate, BTDT. You get used to having the person around every day. Then you miss them after they first go. Then you start to get into a routine without them. Then they come back and it's almost like they are invading your space or something and you have to adjust to them being there every day. Then it's wash, rinse repeat.

That's really hard to do. You take care of yourself my friend. Things will get better.

BlackHorse posted 5/18/2014 19:22 PM

Thank you as well "Junior".

Doing something with her stuff has already been something I have been considering. I understand the negative power derived from triggers. Finances are difficult for me so she may/will only get some of the most important items sent her way.

I mentioned to her yesterday morning that I would send along her family photographs and papers when I could.

I said "Sorry about your clothes. I will donate them to charity" - so she already knows she will not be seeing them again.

She told me this morning she never wants to return to Canada ever again. I knew she was not fond being away from her own country but apparently she hated it here. Something else I was not fully aware of from her.

Guess she was not as "open and honest" as we both said we would be with each other when the relationship started.

lilacs40 posted 5/18/2014 21:02 PM

You can find info on the 180 (and lots of other help) in the yellow box upper left hand corner on the forum list page.

So glad you found SI. It is a great place to come for advice and to vent.

Don't forget to take care of you!!!

BlackHorse posted 5/19/2014 02:26 AM

I found the information about "The 180".

Thanks once again "lilacs40". I appreciate you returning to this discussion to answer my question - and for your assistance very much.

- BlackHorse.

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