Good morning,
I suppose it all comes down to the same things I have been doing for the last year and a half but a bit differently.
I am different now, in a good way. I am stronger, not afraid of the consequences of asking for what I need. Better able to let go of the outcome, I really feel that I cannot control this as opposed to thinking that if I worked harder, pushed harder, he would respond. I am ready to let it all go if that is what is best.
I am not so desperate, I can self soothe, I have a little bit of my own life now, not much yet but some.
I feel in control of myself, my life, my choices. I do have moments of panic, but I am recognizing the emotions and countering with self protective logic.
Blake, "do you notice other men". Sort of in a kind of forced way??? Almost as if I am trying to notice because it does not come naturally for me. I don't think I am really ready for that yet and now??? Who knows, not high on my issue list!
Also, I liked the three A's.
Since we are not living together, I can't really know what he is really doing as far as addictions. Porn? probably. Alcohol? some.
These are on my list of requirements for change. There is still a lot for us to discuss.
Alcohol, I think AA would be a good start.
Porn. It was destructive to our relationship and is a dealbreaker for me. Not sure how I would really know about this yet.
Abuse, not lately, no contact puts a stop to that instantly. There has been some verbal, through texts and emails, but not for a few weeks. Now, it would be totally unacceptable. This is something he has to work on, a very big issue. Another reason for living apart and going very slow.
Abandonment. Been there twice. He left immediately, within minutes of discovery on both ddays. Total abandonment. Now, very recent he is showing responsibility for practical things, emotional things. We will see.
Adultery. Ughh, the catalyst for this monumental change. Necessary change but so very painful. As far as I can know, there is nothing right now. Will he do it again??? I cannot be confident now that he won't. Too soon. Time and consistent action, IC, transparency. He just gave me email passwords and phone passwords. Drop in the bucket. I know that this is another thing that I cannot control, if he wants to he will. The vigilant checking on my part is only an early warning to run as fast as I can.
I am surprised that there was not more advice to run, to not even consider.
Not what I wanted to hear but thought I would.
Keeping my eyes wide open.
Thanks everybody. I have missed you all.