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The Paradoxies

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jendo posted 5/18/2014 14:48 PM

So, how do you deal with the paradoxies of your relationship being the best it has ever been while it is also the worse it has ever been? Of wanting to make your relationship better than ever, but also not wanting to "reward" your WS for their poor behavior? Of loving your spouse more than ever and hating them more than ever???

This is where I am right now. My WH is doing everything he can right now to prove himself to me- it is just going to take time. Our relationship is going well. We are in therapy. We have corrected so many issues we have and have uncovered so many issues we didn't even know we had. Our relationship truly is the best it has ever been. Aside, of course, from the big black thorn stuck in it from his infidelity. We are still pretty new- dday was just 6 weeks ago. We are doing therapy. There is a part of me, however, that cannot get off of my mind the fact that he cheated yet we are having the best sex ever. He cheated yet we feel the most bonded we ever have. He cheated yet I love him more than ever. Am I just crazy?? I have a ton of hurt, don't get me wrong. He is hurting too as I know it kills him to see the pain he has caused me, but he also is feeling light and free- he is no longer living a secret life and that is freeing for him. But his freedom becomes my burdon- I now have the guilt of a marriage that was worse than I thought, the pain from betrayal of the person that I thought loved me most, and the being off balance from being blindsided with something I was never suspecting.

How do you deal with these paradoxes?

mchercheur posted 5/18/2014 14:56 PM

3 years post Dday, & I'm right there with you Jendo.
Sending you strength.

sisoon posted 5/18/2014 15:43 PM

A couple of thoughts...

First, at 6 weeks after D-Day, I was still in shock, and I stayed in shock for at least 3 months. My path was pretty common, so one piece of advice is to wait a bit.

Second, although it took me a couple of years to accept this, the BS can't punish the WS effectively without hurting him-/herself more. I kept looking for ways to punish without getting hurt myself, and I never found a way.

The corollary is that you can't increase your pleasure in R without increasing your WS's pleasure at the same time.

If you choose R, you're hitching your star and your WS's together. It's risky and scary until R gets well established, and you have to deal with a lot of intellectual disconnects. That's just part of R.

Give yourself time. It will all become clear enough eventually.

ItsaClimb posted 5/19/2014 01:34 AM

I posted something similar a couple of days ago (see my post "conflicting wants".

Seems to me that most of us struggle with this. I am very nearly 2 years out and still struggling.

I felt pretty much as you describe when I was as close to D-Day as you are... then the anger kicked in and all I wanted to do was scratch his eyes out for a long time. At about 16 months or so I started to see the potential we have to have a really beautiful marriage going forward - and with that came a WHOLE lot of confusion... how could a marriage tainted by infidelity be beautiful?

I want that beautiful marriage... and I also often want to scratch his eyes out!

I am told by a whole bunch of people here, whose judgement I really trust, that it takes TIME.

jupiter13 posted 5/19/2014 03:06 AM

At 2 years 9 months I still cry some each day and trigger. We will have a "good" marriage but it will never be great. This was his choice. I have lost my trust in him and respect. Two things he would have to earn back. That will take many years for him to earn back and I don't see him doing so. Then again on my death bed I might just forgive.

littlemiss1 posted 5/19/2014 03:23 AM

Hi Jendo

iam new to this site sadly but it is alreday such a great help. peoples advice is fantastic, its honest and form experience.

i just wanted you to know that iam in the same boat as you.
d day for me was only 3 weeks ago, im 8 1/2 months pregnant.

because my husband has sat and talked for hours, answered every question, even intimate details i have wanted to know.
been open with phone, his where abouts, started counselling and got tested for sti's without lots of prompting has helped me a great deal.

if and when a question pops in my head i ask it, he answers.
he tells me when/where hell be and i can pop and see him at any time.
im welcome to ring his work mate if i get a sense of panic that hes lying.

he does all of this without me asking, and for some reason i dont feel i need to check.
maybe im a fool but i believe him.

i give you quick update on my story:

together 8years married 4.
moved 2 years ago work pressure, anxiety and depression led my husband to have a break down.

this year thigs seems better until feb he started acting really distant and cold. he didnt sleep,was ill daily, cried several times a day, no interest in sex i wrongly assumed he was panicking about baby and all would be ok.
7 weeks ago he finally said i dont think i love you anymore, whoa! huge shock tried to work at things but he seemes to get more ill, he looked awful. we decided the stress wasnt good for either of us or baby so moved out. no contact for 5days- so not him. 3weeks after i moved out he begged me to come home.
i did after letting him stew for few days (i had missed him like crazy)
day i was back he said he needed help and he was so happy to see me.
then i received a message from dim girl we know saying he didnt love me and just wanted baby.
i asked what was going on why was he talking to her (20yr old knows nothing type girl) and he confessed ALL.
ouch hit me like a frieght train.
long story sorry just wanted you to know my back ground.
he sat on the floor sobbing and shaking uncontrollably- told me he had been sleeping with her was 1 night stand after his break down.he then cut contact for 8months because he couldnt believe he had done it. ( i work with him so know that he cant have been seeing her,so believe this)
anyway he says that time was all him, but he doesnt und why, he felt it was an escape from work pressure.
this year work again got very tough, he was over the moon i was pregnant but after 3months he became this distant stranger, turns out he met her for coffee and slept with her.
whats weird is he never saw her evenings or weekends, was always where he said he was but just didnt tell me he saw her once a week for an hour. very wham bam tham k you mam.
his actions made him belive he didnt love me if he coud do that, he swears he really thought he didnt love me but knew he didnt want me to leave.
the first week i left he saw her 3 times and he let her stay in our home (this sickens me)2nd weeks i was away he cooled it, 3rd week he told her he did love me.
anyway he told me he did tell her he loved her but has no idea why as he knows he didnt, he also said if i hadnt have come back he wouldnt have seen her again, he never took her anywhere because he didnt want anyone to see him with her.

anyway thats it really, he could have just said he confided in her but he didnt he told me all this.

and weirdly he now says like your husband he feels free and lighter,its all out in the open, i know everything, he doesnt have to worry about me finding out, he said hes so glad i know, hes drained he sleeps so well, hes not ill, hes putting on weight that he lost, i can also see the pain in his eyes, if i cry he holds me, if i shout he takes it,and i can say discusting things when im mad. he breaks down in tears if i threaten to leave, because he hates what hes done to me.
i know hes sorry, he kisses,cuddles holds my hand all the time.makes me feel beautiful and loved like he used to make me feel.
touches my tummy, talks about baby more than i do! has interest in work and doing things round house something tahts mising these last few weeks.
being pregnant and feeling huge i did not think i would want sex with him for a long time (girl was lovely size 8) but i do, in a way i think its like reclaiming what is mine. i want him to be mine and its great. the first time i cried afterwards about how i couldnt compare, but he said it was never about the sex, it was never better with her because it wasnt me.

whilst your husband feels free, you hurt more. i do too, i cant believe my marriage wasnt perfect i truly thought it was.
one man i never thought would cheat was my husband, he says the same, he cant get his roound it.

some days im so bloody angry, i could hit im or say things just to hurt him. but i try and keep busy on those days, think back to times before the A started
every memory after A feels like its tainted.

its all very new and raw, i want to make it work because i believe my husband is a good man- even after comitting this huge sin.
i do know he loves me, our baby deserves to know that we tried our hardest to make it work.

i wonder if its the fact that theyve shown such remorse and are sorry for what they ahve done?
it must be hard if wh wont acknowledge what they have doen?
maybe the honesty makes you feel closer?
and better bonded.

whatever it is, you are not alone i feel exactly the same xx

Jovie posted 5/19/2014 08:20 AM

Something my BH said to me recently might put things into a different perspective for you...

I think I've been trying to better myself (it does feel like a slow process), but I think he sees it too. We still have major ups and downs, but a few weeks ago he said he wouldn't want us to split up because he wouldn't want someone else to benefit from the improved me. He can see I'm trying to be a better person, and feels like he deserves to reap the benefits of it, after all the sadness and destruction he's endured.

[This message edited by Jovie at 8:21 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

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