"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Chippednotbroken posted 5/18/2014 18:36 PM

We have been separated for about 4 months. Divorce filed and pending for 3. I'm tired. He has a crap job, no money no place to stay. He never takes the kids. Ever. Just comes over to see them and wants to hang out in the house.,if I ask if he is going to taken them, I only ask on his weekends, he goes why do you have a date, I'm not watching them so you can go date. Yeah, no, it's his weekend. I'm tired of people telling me it will get worse before better. How does that help? The other half of them they tell me my life must be awful and how am I doing it? I'm just so tired. I try not to get mad that his life is so irresponsible but I just hate him so much.

whiteflower99 posted 5/18/2014 18:59 PM

I'm not watching them so you can go date

Not his business what you do anymore.

Sorry hun, I know it sucks. No advice, but hugs...

Chippednotbroken posted 5/18/2014 19:01 PM

Thanks. Just a funny thing for him to be upset about given his two year long affair, which wasn't the only time he had cheated.

whiteflower99 posted 5/18/2014 19:06 PM

Come on, Chipped. Don't you know we BS's are only extensions of our WS's by now? We are to be there for them to cook/clean/support/whatever whenever they need us. And this above all
ASK NO QUESTIONS
lmao.
Of COURSE he's upset at the possibility of you dating, even if you're not interested. It's the threat to his ownership of you that's freaking him out. Well, that and the fact that you're going to see yet again what an incredible waste of oxygen he is.

nowiknow23 posted 5/18/2014 19:11 PM

Just a funny thing for him to be upset about given his two year long affair, which wasn't the only time he had cheated.

Not so funny - it's controlling. He's still trying to dictate what you can and can't do. Fuck that noise.

Jackass exes like yours really get my blood boiling.

I'd be talking to my lawyer about this. IMHO, no more letting him "hang out" at the house when it suits him. If he wants to see the kids, he takes them for his weekend. If he doesn't take them for his weekend, he's refusing his visitation time, and he's out of luck. Goes without saying, document the hell out of the times he takes them and doesn't.

(((chipped))))

SBB posted 5/18/2014 19:24 PM

^^what she said. Why are you accommodating this fuckery?

He doesn't get to 'hang out' and he doesn't get to comment on your life. You shouldn't even be speaking to him. I can't imagine havin the sad clown in my home.

Please read up about NC/180. Going full electronic communication was the best thing I ever did. He lost the privilege of speaking to me and being in my presence.

Hating him won't change it. Wishing he would man the fuck up won't change it. Lock in a visitation schedule and don't deviate from it. He doesn't take his allocated time he misses out. Document everything as you may need it in court later.

He'll either sort his shit out or not. At least you won't be letting him mindfuck you. This is about control - he pops in and out when he likes. This is not good for your kids either.

Channel your anger into evicting this parasite from your life. He doesn't get to call the shots anymore - you're in charge of your life. So take charge.

Chippednotbroken posted 5/18/2014 20:14 PM

I guess I feel like the kids want to see him and not cowing to him just hurts them. I know he is controlling me still but I don't know what to do about that.

Virginiagirl posted 5/18/2014 23:15 PM

It takes time to break out of the pattern of being controlled. Recognizing what he's doing is better than nothing. But don't lie to yourself, it is hurting you. And you have to love yourself enough to put your foot down when it matters to you.

He doesn't get to only have kid time when you're there, avoiding facing how sad it will feel to have "single dad" time. Could that be part of it too? Whatever it is, I totally understand wanting to make things easier on the kids, but think of yourself, too.

((hugs))

persevere posted 5/18/2014 23:26 PM

If he wants his time he should be prepared to use his time - outside of your home. If not, he is refusing his time. There is no wiggle room.

HeBrokeVows posted 5/18/2014 23:33 PM

The first month or so after WH left us I let him pop in whenever he wanted and I kept saying it was for the kids' sake. Reality was that it did the kids no good to have that inconsistency and us living a life of when daddy was going to pop in. And since we are heading down the road of D, I knew they needed to get used to a consistent schedule so they knew what to expect. I'm still having a hard time locking that down from him in the interim but not allowing him to just hang out here and pop in when his schedule permits put me in control. Kids still see him and it's actually a healthier way because they know what to expect.

You'll feel so much better if you get control of the situation of him hanging out and acting like a family. Unless you are in R, I see no need for it. Kids need safety, security and consistency. Quality time is way more important than quantity time too. I learned a lot on this site, it works!!

SBB posted 5/19/2014 00:48 AM

I guess I feel like the kids want to see him and not cowing to him just hurts them. I know he is controlling me still but I don't know what to do about that.

No - he is using the kids to hurt you. It hurts them to see their mum mindfucked in this way. It hurts them to have him flit in and out of their lives without knowing if/when he'll show up.

Yes - it hurts them when he refuses his visitation but you and I and every other BS reach a point where we realise they are going to hurt them no matter what we do. We are compounding and facilitating further hurt by being hurt ourselves and by the inconsistency.

It is not your job to pretend he's a good dad or to make him one. It is your job to so what is best for the kids - hurting yourself in their honour does them no good. It must be confusing to them to continue to have family time. What happens when he wants to involve his AP or his next victim? You need to think ahead. Avoiding the problem won't make it go away.

No more visits in your home. He needs to sort his shit out if he wants visitation. No overnights until he has suitable accommodation for them.

There is also a strategic move here that you can't see for your mamma heart. He is counting time in your home when you're cooking/cleaning/washing as HIS visitation. If/when it gets to court he'll demand X% because that is what he has been doing.

He is cake-eating. Playing happy families when it suits him (not when it suits your kids or you) and still having his whores on the side. He won't change anything unless forced to. Stop making it so easy for him to hold you hostage by using your kids.

It can get worse - a whole lot worse.