I'm not watching them so you can go date
Not his business what you do anymore.
Sorry hun, I know it sucks. No advice, but hugs...
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way.
Just a funny thing for him to be upset about given his two year long affair, which wasn't the only time he had cheated.
Jackass exes like yours really get my blood boiling.
I'd be talking to my lawyer about this. IMHO, no more letting him "hang out" at the house when it suits him. If he wants to see the kids, he takes them for his weekend. If he doesn't take them for his weekend, he's refusing his visitation time, and he's out of luck. Goes without saying, document the hell out of the times he takes them and doesn't.
This is it. The darkest day. The blackest hour. Chin up, shoulders back. Let's see what we're made of, you and I.
― The Doctor
He doesn't get to 'hang out' and he doesn't get to comment on your life. You shouldn't even be speaking to him. I can't imagine havin the sad clown in my home.
Please read up about NC/180. Going full electronic communication was the best thing I ever did. He lost the privilege of speaking to me and being in my presence.
Hating him won't change it. Wishing he would man the fuck up won't change it. Lock in a visitation schedule and don't deviate from it. He doesn't take his allocated time he misses out. Document everything as you may need it in court later.
He'll either sort his shit out or not. At least you won't be letting him mindfuck you. This is about control - he pops in and out when he likes. This is not good for your kids either.
Channel your anger into evicting this parasite from your life. He doesn't get to call the shots anymore - you're in charge of your life. So take charge.
He doesn't get to only have kid time when you're there, avoiding facing how sad it will feel to have "single dad" time. Could that be part of it too? Whatever it is, I totally understand wanting to make things easier on the kids, but think of yourself, too.
Status: D 2011
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
You'll feel so much better if you get control of the situation of him hanging out and acting like a family. Unless you are in R, I see no need for it. Kids need safety, security and consistency. Quality time is way more important than quantity time too. I learned a lot on this site, it works!!
I guess I feel like the kids want to see him and not cowing to him just hurts them. I know he is controlling me still but I don't know what to do about that.
No - he is using the kids to hurt you. It hurts them to see their mum mindfucked in this way. It hurts them to have him flit in and out of their lives without knowing if/when he'll show up.
Yes - it hurts them when he refuses his visitation but you and I and every other BS reach a point where we realise they are going to hurt them no matter what we do. We are compounding and facilitating further hurt by being hurt ourselves and by the inconsistency.
It is not your job to pretend he's a good dad or to make him one. It is your job to so what is best for the kids - hurting yourself in their honour does them no good. It must be confusing to them to continue to have family time. What happens when he wants to involve his AP or his next victim? You need to think ahead. Avoiding the problem won't make it go away.
No more visits in your home. He needs to sort his shit out if he wants visitation. No overnights until he has suitable accommodation for them.
There is also a strategic move here that you can't see for your mamma heart. He is counting time in your home when you're cooking/cleaning/washing as HIS visitation. If/when it gets to court he'll demand X% because that is what he has been doing.
He is cake-eating. Playing happy families when it suits him (not when it suits your kids or you) and still having his whores on the side. He won't change anything unless forced to. Stop making it so easy for him to hold you hostage by using your kids.
It can get worse - a whole lot worse.