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Positiveways1212 posted 5/18/2014 20:32 PM

I'm married 19 years to a man who was never crazy about having sex. Over the years I could count on one hand how many times we had sex. He hasn't come near me in over four years. He never has a need for sex and there never was any passion. When the marriage counselor asked him why he doesn't want sex, he would say "I'm not comfortable talking about it." He also said he sees our marriage as "empty." We are completely disconnected, talking only when necessary. The only time he ever wanted sex, was when we were trying to have kids….we have 3. He's not affectionate in any way and never says I love you. It's a loveless, sexless marriage. I am sick over this and I've been living like this for many years. I'm wondering if this man could be gay?

justinpaintoday posted 5/18/2014 20:50 PM

Who knows. There could be many reasons for this behavior. How sad though. I feel sad for you

jjsr posted 5/18/2014 20:58 PM

What a sad way to live. I am sorry. I can feel your sadness. Can I ask a ???, why do you stay?

Ostrich80 posted 5/19/2014 02:39 AM

Do you think he's cheating? I'm with the others, that's a very sad way to live.
I'm sorry, I see this is your first post. Welcome to SI

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:39 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

stilllovinghim posted 5/19/2014 04:22 AM

Positive:
Welcome to SI. Do you think that he suffered some sort of abuse or neglect as a child. I know it's common for a person to not be physically affection towards their spouse or children if they grew up in a home with no physical affirmation. I know this isn't always the case, but it is common.

Something to consider: what did you and your H do together while courting? What do you think changed or was it always this way and you hoped he'd change?

There is as another posted stated, the possibility your H is gay. What then?

One last thing, have you caught your H cheating or is this a suspicion?

Positiveways1212 posted 5/19/2014 07:50 AM

Thank you everyone for your support.

Early in our marriage when he wouldn't initiate or when I did and he ignored me and didn't want sex I would ask why. He would shrug his shoulders and not know why. But said, "things are going to change, things are going to get better." Then life happened….i worked, traveled, had kids, and now I really feel like I missed out on intimacy and romance.

Positiveways1212 posted 5/19/2014 07:55 AM

He did grow up in an unaffectionate home where he says he was never hugged. He never saw his parents affectionate to each other and so he claims he does't know how to be affectionate. That is part of the problem but there is something else going on.

Positiveways1212 posted 5/19/2014 07:55 AM

I haven't caught him cheating but I am hoping to use the Investigative forum to help me find out.

Positiveways1212 posted 5/19/2014 08:01 AM

I stayed for my kids, but I don't think they are that happy. They don't have any respect for my husband. And it kills me that they see this is how marriage is….no affection, no closeness at all between us. We just live like roommates. Recently I have decided that staying for the kids is not a reason to stay. My kids need to see that when you're not happy, you leave. I just need to figure out how to survive financially.

Jovie posted 5/19/2014 08:06 AM

Do you think its possible he's been abusing drugs?

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/19/2014 08:07 AM

He actually sounds asexual.

You can probably get a clue as to where his head is at by getting real sneaky and looking through the history of the computer, etc. There's bound to be a clue if you search hard enough.

steadfast1973 posted 5/19/2014 08:12 AM

I lived with a guy for almost 2 years. We had sex three times that whole time. He often told me he was just not interested in sex... However... When we started to renovate the bedroom... I found his porn stash... He had no interest in me... but he went through 2 large bottles of lube a month...

And, my husband was the same way during his Porn Daze. No interest in me, no affection, no love...

Positiveways1212 posted 5/19/2014 20:16 PM

I thought he might be asexual too. I have searched through the history of the computer but he clears the history so haven't had any clues that way. I'm on the lookout for them though!

Positiveways1212 posted 5/19/2014 20:18 PM

I don't think he's using drugs he doesn't like taking meds. He was diagnosed with depression and has stopped taking his antidepressants.

Aussiescot posted 5/19/2014 20:34 PM

Clearing the history is ringing bells for me! No man needs to clear the history unless he is looking at things he knows would hurt you

cissie posted 5/19/2014 22:19 PM

I don't think you can say that just because he clears his history, he has something to hide. My BH borders on having OCD. He deletes his emails. He deletes his history. He uses CCleaner at least once a week to make sure there is nothing on his computer.
He is like that in the house. He throws things away and sometimes he has to go out and buy them again. If he had his way we would have one cup, one plate, one knife,one spoon and one fork each and maybe a glass.
Fortunately I have managed to hang on to a set of each, but he has lately started to accuse me of being a hoarder.
Does your H have any of those tendencies. Is he super tidy super clean? having a sex life may be just too "messy" emotionally for him.

Ostrich80 posted 5/20/2014 01:54 AM

Has he suffered from depression in the years prior. Maybe some he has some behaviors like depression that affect his sex drive.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:56 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

too trusting BW posted 5/20/2014 08:42 AM

You describe my marriage for the first 10 yrs.
My husband is a sex addict who used porn compulsively so therefore never had interest in a real person.
I thought he just wasn't interested because I had absolutely no clue about the porn. none

Positiveways1212 posted 5/21/2014 05:35 AM

He definitely is not super tidy or OCD about anything. It may be just the way he's wired, he has no drive for any closeness at all. I just can't figure it out!

Positiveways1212 posted 5/21/2014 05:38 AM

If he was into porn that would be shocking! I don't know for sure, but I seriously doubt it.