I cheated and I can not take that back. I know I've hurt my BH a great amount and have to accept and live with his decisions. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid he isn't going to love me anymore, my family will be broken, he will find someone better. The list goes on and on.
Every time I log on to SI, I see his thread or name right on top. Must be busy there. I promised I wouldn't read it and I'm not,but it is hard. I'm trying to do everything I can to help him to heal from my bad decisions, lies and manipulation. Today he got hit on and I had to watch her flirt with him, and it hurts. I know he isn't doing anything wrong and he probably didn't even realize she was flirting. Well maybe he did I don't know.
Swat let me know OM was released from jail. I'm afraid he will try to contact me or cause more problems.
I've got IC appointment later this week and I'm gonna need it. I'm trying to show him through action. He has access to everything, I put gps on my phone. He can contact me at any time he wants. But I'm afraid it isn't enough. I know I have to be self reliant and be able to take care of myself and I'm working on it.
Sorry for the rant. I'm just in a bad place tonight.
I want you yo know you've been heard.
I don't have time to say much at this moment, but STOP apologizing for venting here. You are doing exactly what you should be.
We're here for you, and we're listening.
You're doing good - keep up the good work!!
[This message edited by RegretfulHusband at 10:45 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."
There are two "teachable moments" right here that give you a chance to work on some of the things you most need to work on.
I promised I wouldn't read it and I'm not,but it is hard.
Gently but firmly... Do so see what you do here? You restate a promise you made. The you join it to a "but.". The but sets you on the first little seductive step to breaking your promise. Its hard, so maybe everyone will understand if I peak just once... It's hard, and I need to dwell on how I am feeling, not on what I promised...
Two things. First, do you realize your life with SWAT is hanging by a thread, and the littlest lie at this point could and likely will snap that slender thread forever? You should be TERRIFIED of reading that thread, TERRIFIED of breaking yet another promise. Far from being tempted, and starting the first little rationalization that might lead you to indulge your temptation, you should welcome and be thrilled at such a simple chance to rebuild trust.
Here is what a healthier you would write: "I see SWAT's thread at the top and that makes me so happy that he is getting support here like I am. I know and trust you are helping him. And I am glad to show him he can be safe with me by staying far away from it."
Next teachable moment....
Today he got hit on and I had to watch her flirt with him, and it hurts. I know he isn't doing anything wrong and he probably didn't even realize she was flirting. Well maybe he did I don't know.
Everything you have said about SWAT (and everything his own writing shows him to be) makes it crystal clear the he would never cheat. It is anathema to his character. He is a man who does not cheat... Period. Even when separated. Period.
So... Why does this worry you so? Eat at you so? Gently but firmly... You are projecting your feelings onto him. And in the process, you are seeing your dark fantasies and fears in place of actually seeing who he really is. And to be blunt... You are re-indulging in a dark jealously which was one of your own prime justifications for your affair. Your hand is right back in the same psychological cookie jar.
I point this out to show you how much work you have to do... But also to show you how many little chances you have every day to make better choices.
When you feel something, stop. Stop cold. Then ask yourself some questions. Is thus feeling real? (would Swat really cheat? Would it really help if I just peerked at his thread?). I think you will find, when you stop and look straight at the feeling, that it is coing from your broken, and is not reflecting reality or a real concern. Then ask yourself, why then do I have thus "false" feeling. And you will see, a lot of the time, that the feeling makes tou the center of the story.
Putting you at the center of the story has nearly broken a good man, made a flawed man into a wreck, and nearly cost you everything you love. With the most sincere best wishes for you... Get yourself the heck out of the center of your stories.
Edited for typos.
[This message edited by Owl6118 at 11:35 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]
I really hope you find your way back to one an other, but I feel part of this process must include you being willing to let swat go to be happy and find someone that he can love and be loved in return how he deserves! That is a true selfless act!
ive read both yours and swats story with interest and caring. ive posted on his thread a few times.
i served on a direct action special operations capable military unit (think swat forces but in a military environment). and ... of course ... my wife cheated on me too
i want to get into trust. i suspect swat has a very similar mindset to mine, although i cant be sure. i am an honorable guy. i dont cheat. i dont lie. i dont steal. i help those less fortunate than myself. i have put myself into harms way repeatedly with a group of guys that i trusted to ALWAYS have my back.
one of the things i learned in the marines is that loyalty flows up and down. loyalty always starts at the smallest possible unit. in the marines that was either my roomates, my fireteam, or my CQB stack.
squad > platoon > company > battalion > division > marine corps > america > the world.
in the event of divided loyalties the smallest unit always wins - with the caveat that i am not going to screw over loyalty to a larger unit to protect the wrong doings of a smaller unit. in the same way swat wouldnt cover up an intentional murder within his unit thus betraying his loyalty to the police dept.
in the civilian world i followed the same lessons i had learned in the marines - i viewed my wife and my children as my "smallest possible unit".
when my wife betrayed me (and gods, did she ever betray me - a one night stand with one guy, a night stand (or possibly twice) with another guy, a long term 6-8 month emotional and physical affair with another guy, and at least a dozen guys sexting and nude photos - over a two year period) the betrayal cut deep.
see, i not only expected my wife to have my back ... i also expected her to not go out of her way to stab me in it too.
in military terms - she gave the plans of our defenses (opening windows into our marriage and its issues) to the enemy (guys interested in hopping into her pants), she encouraged them to attack (flirting with them), she covered up the coming assault (lying to me), and then when we were attacked she waited for me to turn my back and THEN sunk the knife in (having sex with them, sending photos, etc). she did it repeatedly.
this kind of thinking is so alien to me that i still cant come to grips with it. i suspect its the same for your husband. so .. someone flirted with him. who cares. he has integrity, honor, and loyalty to his "unit". thats to his family - YOU and the CHILDREN. even if you stabbed him in the back he doesnt have it in him to betray you. period. its not in his mindset. it doesnt compute to him. he has boundaries built upon his honor and integrity and he wont violate those boundaries.
similarly, he promised not to read your thread. so he wont. its really that simple. he gave his word and because he gave his word he wont even feel tempted.
i totally agree with owl. you are projecting your fears and weaknesses onto swat. you are also taking that first step down the slippery slope to breaking your word in regarding reading his posts, once you take the first step it will become harder and harder to stop the slide down to the bottom.
having an affair wasnt a "bad decision" - it was 1000s of bad decisions on top of each other, a series of steps that could have been averted or stopped at any time along the way. starting with even talking to the OM in anything other than "hi and bye" to sharing details of the marriage, to flirting ... all the way down the line to where you actually cheated. each step could have been stopped or the course changed. each of those steps was a betrayal.
rebuilding trust is also a series of steps.
the bad news is that the steps to rebuild trust are much, much more difficult than the steps to destroy it (think going uphill versus sliding down a slippery slope). your husband will have mood swings and go through a full spectrum of emotions. some will cycle fast, others will linger, and he will take steps backwards as he tries to trudge forward. this is going to make it more difficult for you because it wont be a trip on a nice sunny day but rather it will feel like trying to swim in an ocean during a hurricane sometimes. some of the issues that need to be dealt with are extremely unpleasant. it will be much easier for you to quit than to suck it up, continue on, and to fix yourself - especially so because it wont all be about you (with him supporting you each step) but will also be about you having to support him with each step he makes towards healing. its not easy to support someone else when you are used to using them as a crutch. each lie or misstep will take you back to the beginning. be assured, you will have to restart several times. the journey will be so rough that you will be tempted to quit.
however, the good news is that the steps can be made. it "just" takes dedication and courage. the more steps you make the easier the others become. the more you show you are trustworthy and the longer you do it - the more trust you accrue. it CAN be done. its going to be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life ... but its possible. when in doubt - look at some of the success stories on this forum. if they can do ... so can you.
you have to accept that he might not be beside you further along in the journey. thats his choice. but no matter what you cant abandon him on the journey. you betrayed him once, you cant do it to him again. you have to be there. each step. always. giving him a shoulder to lean on when hes fatigued. these things build trust too. they also make you a better person. that should be your goal right now - for you to become a better person. thats ALL you have control over. but ... you can do it.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
william just gave you more wisdom and knowledge in one incredibly well written post than you're likely to get in lord knows how many counseling sessions. (That's not a don't go to IC message, just acknowlegment of the quality of william's words)
Type out that post and print it out. Keep it handy. Read it daily. Hell, read it hourly at times.
Use it as a positive trigger for the actions you need to take.
As a betrayed spouse my healing started when I made a concious CHOICE that I was going to have a great life with or without my WW.
From the very start I had determined I was going to work on being the best person I could be. I made a lot of positive changes for myself, my family, my friends; and my wife. But, when I finally let go of that last part (and the unspoken - to win her back) I started to get better. I CHOSE to have a good life and set about making it happen.
As it turns out, we reconciled and got remarried and are happier now than we've ever been. But, I was going to be happy and have a good life to matter the outcome of my relationship with my wife.
That is what I wish for Swat and you. That you both heal and you are both happy.
So, how do you do that? Set the relationship outcome aside. Work on your healing. Work on his healing. Make real changes. Do it because a better you is better for everyone in your life. DON'T do it to win Swat back. Do it because helping him heal makes his life better. Don't help him heal so that he'll come back and make your life better.
Give yourself the gift of working to be a better, stronger person. That gift flows out to those you care about.
As william mentioned, there are a lot of success stories on these boards. There are also a lot of failures. I'm here to suggest that you let go of that outcome for the forseeable future and just focus on healing; his and yours. That is what should really matter.
You have to trust that if you heal and grow and develop and change, that is the best path to a happy future. And you have to KNOW that helping him heal matters more than where your relationship lands. Place his healing above your future and you'll be laying the best possible foundation for you each to move forward.
Yes, you can hope that a biproduct is a restored and revitalized marriage. But, if you want to be worthy of that you need to make a restored and revitalized Swat and a restored and revitalized SoSorry more important than you're frenzied hope for reconciliation.
I have also been following both sides of your and SWATs story. Regardless of the outcome I want you to know that I support both of you in your healing.
I also agree with WarpSpeed. There is an amazing amount of wisdom and insight in william's post. Read it over and over again. I have also been following william's story from the beginning and there is much wisdom to be cleaved from his situation for yourself. If you want to see how things MAY look as the months go on, look under his user for his recent posts. Look at the threads he has created and read them. They are long and go back months, but there is something to be said for william's spirit and dedication to his family. There is also something to be said for his immense pain. Like your situation, his story is far from over. But you should be able to gain some insight as to what SWAT is dealing with from it. Also some of what your own children may be dealing with as william is very dedicated to his daughter.
Keep working. Keep digging. Keep Reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.
I for one, regardless of the outcome, am rooting for your family.
ETA - sent you a pm with the links to william's threads to save you the hassle of looking them up.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:24 AM, May 19th (Monday)]
You all are right, I'm projecting my bad character and choices onto him. I want you all to know I AM TRYING. This isn't easy for me and while I want Swat to be happy, it is tough knowing he could be happy without me.
Owl, I am terrified of all of it. Terrified of losing him, my family everything. But I know my poor decisions and attention seeking put me here. Nothing he did caused this and he was a victim and hurt so badly. I did that no one else. I choose every step of the way. Every choice was about me and how I felt. Did I care what BH was feeling, nope it was all about me. I never thought I was such a selfish person, but here I am standing in front of you all begging for help because I'm selfish and for a brief time didn't care or respect my marriage vows or my husband. When I was in the affair I was all about me and what made me feel good. I got my ego stroked, I got my drama. I'm embarassed to say my kids and BH were second in my mind and heart and I can't ever change that. I planned, did research and lied to get what I wanted. For what? OM is far from a catch and was "easy picking's" for me. I never wanted to leave Swat and even though I knew how he felt about cheating, I thought I could convince him to stay. I always knew Swat trusted me and never thought k would cheat so I never had any worries of discovery. I kept emails and text messages so I could read them over again and get my drama and ego fix. OM working with Swat provided enough extra ammunition in the form of information to keep it going. More drama and more stroking my ego.
We'll May, 2013 rolls around and OM are going out of town for what was honestly the first and only time we had actual intercourse during the affair. Plans are made alibis and lies made and we are off. Later that night I was literally bored so I turned my phone on to check my messages and it blew up. Swat was in emergency surgery and they didn't know if he would make it. I was scared and panicked. I was a few hours away and he could die and I would never be able to see him again. OM wanted to comfort me and I freaked on him. Got to the hospital and the Chief of Police and the department chaplain are there. Swat is still in surgery and his prognosis is still unknown. They had gotten out what everyone calls the "Your dead forms". It contained all of Swat's wishes in case he was ever killed on the job.
I screamed and cried, I wanted my family, my kids and I wanted my husband. Three hours prior..I was in a hotel with OM. Swat fights like always and makes it through. He is battered, bruised and has massive cuts all over his body, neck, head and face.
When he woke up in ICU, I was there and he reached over and grabbed my hand and said he loved me.
Right then and there I vowed to never cheat or hurt him again. I should have confessed after he recovered but I didn't. I lied and covered up, I became a model wife. But I still needed to drama and ego stroking. I kept and read the emails and texts. Valetines day this year, the day almost every woman not so secretly looks forward to. Well I came home to a huge envelope with ever text and email. There was papers showing everything OM and I had said to one another about Swat was a lie. There were also papers initiating divorce.
So I begged and lied some more. I manipulated him and my family to get him to stay. I am getting therapy we are talking things seem to be going just how I wanted. It worked and now I can stay on the straight and narrow right? Wrong OM sends an email and I needed the drama and ego stroking again.
Well karma is a bitch, and I got bitch slapped. Everything I ever wanted and dreamed of was mine. I threw it away and that is killing me.
I know that he could and should probably leave me behind. I have seen the pain in his eyes and his posture. I've never seen him so down, not even when he was going through rehab. I want him happy again and I am trying to help him recover. This is the price I have to pay. I'm working to better myself and to help him. But it still hurts.
Everything I ever wanted and dreamed of was mine. I threw it away and that is killing me.
SoSorry17 - This is exactly spot on. It's what I feel and think every day when I look at my BH.
I have nothing really enlightened to add, I'm actually printing out William's response for myself as a reminder as well. But I wanted you to know that what you are not alone in how you feel. I've thrown away the only relationship in my life that had the potential to help me grow into someone better. Now changing is the only option if I have any hope of keeping my BH in my life.
Keep working. Stay out of Swat's posts since that is what you promised to do. And keep posting here. Do the work. You can, and you deserve it.
(nice little pep-talk for myself too )
OM are going out of town for what was honestly the first and only time we had actual intercourse during the affair.
I've been reading both SWAT's and your threads from start to now and this always bothered me about your narrative. You had two other sexual encounters prior to this with OM but you gloss over those and treat this as the only time it counts. Oral sex is still sex and I really think it would help you to accept that this wasn't the first time you had sex with OM. It had already happened twice by this point and it doesn't suddenly become "not sex" because PIV didn't happen. Oral still carries the risk of STD exposure. You gave your body to OM those other two times too even if it was just your mouth. I'm sorry if this post comes off as crude because of the distinction I'm trying to make here but I really think it's something you haven't addressed yet and it needs to be if you're going to accept full responsibility for what happened. You have made a lot of progress by posting here and I'm not trying to bring you down by bringing this up or shame you for it. I hope that you will see the merit in not minimizing what happened between you and OM as a step in the right direction.
You are right and I'm not trying to make a distinction. Really thinking of it now it grosses me out. The only reason any of it happened was OM was pushing for more and started to ignore me when I needed an ego boost. No excuses just what I was feeling and what I did.
Owl, I am terrified of all of it. Terrified of losing him, my family everything. But I know my poor decisions and attention seeking put me here.
We know you are scared. I wrote what I did not to beat you up, but to show you that each of your fears can teach you something, and each one is a chance to make a better choice right now, today. And those little, single good choices will start to build on one another.
But you need to work on constant mindfulness--to stop your feelings and interrogate them, not let them wash over you and pull you along and drive you.
IC WILL help with this.
But remember--each fear, seen right, is a blessing. Each fear is a chance to learn and do better.
The only reason any of it happened was OM was pushing for more and started to ignore me when I needed an ego boost.
Gently, I don't think that's the only reason from what you've posted. If you accept that your desires were not being met by SWAT (through no fault of his), then to some degree you wanted this too. Isn't this part of the kink you wanted? Being "forced" into giving in to OM in one of the most classic submissive ways?
That was a lie. Straight out bs. I made it up to make myself look more like a victim. I'm not proud of it and have apologized to Swat for it. This is on me 100%. Do I like some things different than others? Sure do, but Swat knew those and we were happy. I lied to make him feel sorry for me and it pushed some of the blame on him. Again all wrong I know.
I write him a letter everyday. Each day it is edited probably fifty times. I catch myself minimizing what I had done or said. I catch myself trying to manipulate him with words. I catch myself lying to him and myself. Most of the time I don't even finish the sentence, when I catch it and edit what I was saying. I'm hoping this is progress because it shows I'm thinking and making better decisions. I don't give him the letters, I save them. They are for me right now. They are my journey through infidelity. It is like a journal for him I guess. Maybe one day I'll give them to him, but for now he doesn't need any of my baggage. I've caused him enough pain.
It is very brave of you to drop the stop sign and face the betrayed spouses. That's commendable. There is nothing like hearing it from someone in your BH's shoes. It adds a totally new dimension.
How is all this making you feel?
You say it hurts, multiply what you feel by 1 million, then you will be barely scraping the surface on how SWAT feels.
Ask him how much he cries when he's alone
He's appears to be strong outwardly
Inwardly, his soul is defeated
Despite all of that he still loves you..it's in his actions.
But I'm a drama queen and I need my ego stroked.
Confessing this is good. Claiming it is not so good;
Start claiming more positive things.