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is it common to not have SO read posts? BS and WS welcome

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Alyssamd24 posted 5/19/2014 06:47 AM

I have been noticing that some members who have SO on SI have set limits that each should not read the others posts.

If you and your SO are both members of SI how have you chosen to approach this and why?

authenticnow posted 5/19/2014 06:51 AM

When BS and I first joined we found it very helpful to read each other's posts because it usually helped us gain more insight into the way we were each feeling and we'd discuss the post and the feedback from the members.

Sometimes it was difficult, to see it all out there in black and white and sometimes the posts caused very heated moments. But I guess that was helpful, too, because we learned how to muddle through them.

For me, it helped me to post and then discuss later because it's easier for me to articulate and get my feelings out in writing than it is to say them.

Our rule was not to post on each other's threads because we wanted us each to have our own safe place to get support, and this also helped us to have to discuss things face to face.

HFSSC posted 5/19/2014 06:55 AM

When JM joined, there were a couple of things I wanted to keep in mind. First, I wanted this forum to be a safe place for him. I knew that if he wanted help, he had to be honest, and needed to know I wasn't going to put the hammer down on him over something he posted here.

I also did not want to hurt him with the very raw feelings that I still shared in General.

So, our boundaries were that I would not post on any of his threads in the WS forum. He was aware that anything I posted in Recon, OT or F&G was fair game, but that anything in General was "read at own risk." We also agreed that we would not bring up the other's thread in conversation, because we wanted to be able to use SI to work through stuff without fighting over it. As our communication improved and our M began to heal, we loosened the boundaries up a little bit.

It has been wonderful for us and I'm not sure we would have made it if he hadn't reached out here for help.

william posted 5/19/2014 07:01 AM

my wife is on the forum. shes only posted a few times, however. she plans on that changing once her work commitments slow down and once we have finished her timeline together (we spend alot of time on that). however, she can read anything i post and i can read anything she posts. there isnt anything ive posted that i havent said to her.

islesguy posted 5/19/2014 07:32 AM

My BS knows my screen name reads the forums and reads my posts. But, she doesn't want me to know her screen name or if she posts or not. So, I respect her privacy.

tired girl posted 5/19/2014 09:12 AM

We typically don't post on each other's threads. Often if I am going to post something it has been talked about beforehand, but I may warn him that I have posted something that will be triggery for him, so read at his own risk. We often discuss what we have written, we know that this is our safe place to say what we need, and get feed back.

familyfirst posted 5/19/2014 09:16 AM

Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda. I wonder if the honesty quotient might go up considerably if we all truly anonymous

Aubrie posted 5/19/2014 09:25 AM

Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda.
Eh not me. I don't have time for that and crap communication was an issue for us. If I wanna talk to QS about something, ima open up and let fly. I don't sensor, or manipulate. Don't have interest in it. How would manipulating my posts help me/him heal in the long run eh? I prefer being honest and forthcoming.

I have no problem with QS seeing my posts. Sometimes I have a thought or idea, and I'm still trying to understand it and make sense of it, and I ask him to stay off my thread till I get it figured out. When I'm done mulling it all over, we talk. Then he reads my thread. Then we talk some more.

There have been times where he's read my threads or my writing as I'm still figuring it out. Got a little messy. So our current deal works for us.

wifehad5 posted 5/19/2014 09:59 AM

Reading each others posts really helped us. Most things were talked about ahead of time, but if they weren't, we'd let the other know that there was something new we needed to discuss.

remorsefulww posted 5/19/2014 10:20 AM

My BH isn't a member, but he has full access to whatever I post.

"Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda. I wonder if the honesty quotient might go up considerably if we all truly anonymousy"

we are all here for help and in order to get the help and advice we have to be completely honest to ourselves and others. Afterall we are all anonymous, so why try and spin things to go our way?

Wayflost posted 5/19/2014 10:32 AM

This is a tough one.

My BH is also a member. He's actually the reason I know about this site. I stopped reading his threads in JFO very early on. My emotional health was suffering greatly, and I couldn't stomach the comments made by other users. There may come a day when I am brave enough, but for now, I have no idea if he is actively posting or not.

I know that he reads my posts. There is no wish on my part to keep secrets, and I am glad that he can see what I am talking about. My communication skills are still not very good. I often don't know how to share what I'm thinking, and as others have said, sometimes it helps me to sort out my thoughts by posting here. The next step for me is then talking about it with BH. I'm still afraid, and still allow that fear to stop me when I should be acting.

My IC and I are working on those issues as well.

tired girl posted 5/19/2014 10:38 AM

Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda. I wonder if the honesty quotient might go up considerably if we all truly anonymous

Not on my end. This is why I have warned him at times if I feel that a particular post of mine will trigger him. Then he has the option of reading it or not. Being authentic and dealing with what I need to deal with is something I have been committed to for quite awhile now.

5454real posted 5/19/2014 11:05 AM

Both here, both read. I don't believe in *partial* honesty. Sometimes messy? Yep. So's life. Communication, open honest communication is the only thing that will save us.

Unagie posted 5/19/2014 11:33 AM

My feelings were and still are pretty raw. He knows my name on here and knows he can read my posts at any time. Everything said here he knows but my venting posts can get pretty bad compared to how I speak to him irl. I tend to tone down the cursing irl.

Lostinthismess posted 5/19/2014 11:50 AM

Both here, both read. I don't believe in *partial* honesty. Sometimes messy? Yep. So's life. Communication, open honest communication is the only thing that will save us.

Ditto. I know it seems to work for some people to not read each other's post, but that would not work for me. No secrets.

AML04 posted 5/19/2014 12:33 PM

WH reads (I think) my posts. I'm ok with that. I warn him if there is something I think there's something that might be tough for him to read.

He's only posted on here once. I wish he would post more and I'd be happy to stay out but I don't think it's something he's comfortable with and I'm not forcing the issue.

Eta: I think if you're working on R and there is at least some level of trust, it can be very beneficial.

[This message edited by AML04 at 12:34 PM, May 19th (Monday)]

Matilda23 posted 5/19/2014 12:54 PM

BBF and I have decided at this time I will not read his posts because his emotions are still raw. I betrayed his trust so why does he want to share with someone he can't trust. SI is his way to deal with things and vent because he doesn't want to share everything with me. I understand that so I am respecting him and giving him that time. When he is ready and is okay to let me read, he will let me know. As for me, he doesn't read mine, but he says he doesn't care to. It's like my journal and he doesn't want to read it.

Alyssamd24 posted 5/19/2014 16:21 PM

Thanks for all your replies. I didnt really have an actual point with this post, I was just curious.

My BH is also on this site but doesn't post often. He reads my posts occasionally though and i have no problem with it. I think it has helped.

helpemegetoverit posted 5/19/2014 22:44 PM

We've never had a conversation about it to be honest but:


My BH is also on this site but doesn't post often. He reads my posts occasionally though and i have no problem with it. I think it has helped.

This is basically our situation also.

badchoice posted 5/19/2014 22:49 PM

When my BW was on the site our agreement was that we can read each others post, not not post each others threads.

It was hard to read when she was venting, and at a certain point I stopped reading her post.

I also had to be careful, because at first I posted knowing she was going to read my threads, so during the first month or so my post were just bullshit...I was trying to make myself look really good, etc. She called me on that and I stopped doing it.

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