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Conflicting Wants - WS Perspective

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theseseatsRtaken posted 5/19/2014 06:50 AM

First i just want to acknowledge that Itsaclimb has inspired this post with the original post 'conflicting wants'. When i read this i was very moved and felt like it perfectly matched everything that my BW has been feeling which she said herself she felt it did. For some reason, i have no idea why, it just made me want to do one from my own perspective. Maybe it will only help me, maybe others will get something from it, whatever the result, this post is about me listening to my heart and sharing what it is crying out to me with everyone here. I hope no-one feels like ive hijacked Itsaclimb's post.

A. I feel utterly blessed and bewildered by the generosity of my BW. I want to embody love. I want to be the walking talking life version of everything i ever promised my BW i would be and havent been for 10 years. I want to be good. I want to put in all the hard yards even if it means over a decade of triggering, crying and nights in the spare room. I want to support and nurture my BW's recovery. I want to show her through actions, not just words that i am committed to rebuilding and that I can and will deliver the future that i am claiming is possible with me. I want to be a husband and a father that my family can be proud of. I want to be open and share things. I want to have NO secrets. I want to live like my BW is my best best friend in the whole world and like no matter how scary it is for me, i can tell her anything and be safe. I want to live in a spirit of giving, not a spirit of reciprocity. I want to show her that i believe in trusting her as my wife to want the same things for me that i want for her because thats what love and marriage are about. I want to be lying beside her when i leave this world. I dont want anyone or anything else in the mean time. I want her to feel safe with me. I want to spend all of my energy, time and soul showing my wife that i can be the first man in her life to actually follow through and to fix this.

B. I want to hide. I want to run. I want to take this face and this shame and i want to take it where no one will ever recognise it ever again. I want to scream and tear down all the walls and break everything i can touch. I want to cry and cry and cry and then bleed until someone can tell me how i let this happen. I want to take every bit of kindness and generousity i am gifted from my beautiful BW and smash it to pieces and scream at my BW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING I DONT DESERVE THIS!!! I want to be punished. I want to be beaten near to death and left to rot. I want to tear at myself until i can extract the part of me from inside that allowed this behaviour and these devastating choices. I want to go back in time and stop my BW from ever meeting me so that she never has to feel this pain. I want to take all of her pain and feel it on top of mine so that she doesnt have to, and then i want it to die inside me, even if it kills me too. I just want this to end for her. I want to hurt the OW. I want to tell all her students (secondary teacher), her family and her friends that she sought out a married man with a son on the way and actively tried to destroy a family. I fantasise about running her down with my car. I don't want any of that to be done to me. I want this to be over, I want an easy way out. I want to sleep, and never wake up.

So... having just written that almost completely from the heart without any forethought, upon re-reading its really quite scary. And like the original post, i find that the two worlds cannot coexist. Itsaclimb talked about the seemingly impossible task of reconciling her two streams of thought. That idea to me seems to be flawed in a way. I dont think i want a reconcilitaion of those thoughts. Some of the things in B are truly horrible and should never be allowed out. I am very much living in A most of the time. B tends to only surface in moments of intense darkness. But when it comes up, its very very powerful. I think for me, its more about making a choice. How do i choose to be? Perhaps this is where it will be so different for WS's than BS's. Is it the case that for us its a simple choice between the strength to live in A or succumbing to the weakness of B. More easy ways out, more giving in to selfishness.

I certainly dont have all the answers yet. I wonder what this post will make people feel both from the WS and the BS perspective? And thank you again to Itsaclimb for giving me the inspiration to confront this concept as it is a very real one for me. Sharing the truth of it is hard, the strength of some of the incredible people in this community makes it possible for those of us who still need to learn this kind of courage.

RipsInMyChest posted 5/19/2014 07:08 AM

I see both A and B in my WH. Thank you for your brave and raw post.

ItsaClimb posted 5/19/2014 07:42 AM

Oh wow! I got goosebumps reading that. Thank you so much for sharing. I never once thought about the conflicting emotions from the WS side. It was really enlightening and thought-provoking to read what you have shared. My fWS is not the most articulate guy on the planet (understatement!) so it's not something he has ever discussed with me. Thank you for having the courage to put it out there. I am sure your post will be helpful to many BS.

somethingremorse posted 5/19/2014 09:26 AM

I understand. I feel the run away and hide part a lot.

Here's how I am trying to reconcile those two. It may sound selfish, but I know that I am happier when I let "A" win out. I am happy when I'm a good husband and father. I am happy when I am not lying or compartmentalizing or withdrawing from everyone and everything. I know this, because I see how miserable I was when I lied and cheated and compartmentalized. Given any choice at all, I want to go towards "A."

So when the conflicting feelings pop up, I try to acknowledge them. They are real and justified. And I use them to COMPARE where I was to where I want to be. But I know that if I stay there, that I am blocking my ability to get to A.

Trust me, it's hard. I literally have to talk to myself to remind me of A and the consequences of living in B for too long. It is a choice that I have to continue to make.

karmahappens posted 5/19/2014 09:32 AM

I found this piece telling

I want to hurt the OW. I want to tell all her students (secondary teacher), her family and her friends that she sought out a married man with a son on the way and actively tried to destroy a family

^^^ what SHE did to your family...hmmmm.

I hope you are actively working towards the goals in option A.

Choosing option B sounds good sometimes, run away and not deal with this pile of shit, aye?

The only problem with that is once you have run to a new life you will do the same damage you did in this one.

Take a chance on yourself and learn to be the man in option A. It takes work, but IMO, it is harder to continually run than to stop and face the storm.

Good luck!

sisoon posted 5/19/2014 09:35 AM

What a person actually does is a lot more important than what the person may want to do.

Listing the nasty wants for everyone to see is a very nice step towards not doing them and even, eventually, not wanting to do them. There's something about the light of day that can kill infections.... JMO, of course.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/19/2014 15:51 PM

Thanks for your encouragement Itsaclimb. That means alot :)


^^^ what SHE did to your family...hmmmm.

This line was deliberately meant to convey an unhealthy and somewhat incomplete idea. The idea that the OW was responsible and that the feelings i have towards her are unhealthily dark. I am totally aware that I did this more than any one else and that focussing my hate on her is not the way to go. Thats kind of the whole point of B. Its a dark, scary place where perspective is lost. For example, I talk about wanting BW's pain to die inside me, even if I die with it... But then who becomes a father to my son?

I hope this sheds some light on what I was trying to show for you.

karmahappens posted 5/19/2014 15:56 PM

. I am totally aware that I did this more than any one else and that focussing my hate on her is not the way to go.

So if you are aware of the darkness I wonder why there are conflicting thoughts, I am not judging, I really wonder why it isn't automatic when the "lights get turned on" why one doesn't automatically choose the healthier option (A).

Does that make sense?

Maybe it's more of a wrestling with FOO issues and leaning towards past behaviors as a way to cope.

Thanks for clarifying though, I was worried what you said was a truth for you, and it did make me go hmmm.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/19/2014 16:23 PM


I think thats the whole point of the original, and my own post - that we are aware of both, and yet we cannot seem to eliminate the one that we know is unhealthy. Its there inside us and sometimes it tries to get out. Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed by feelings of despair and regret and rage... that living in A seems impossible.

I think ultimately getting rid of B is exactly what we want and hope to be able to do. I know I do.

karmahappens posted 5/19/2014 17:03 PM

I think ultimately getting rid of B is exactly what we want and hope to be able to do. I know I do

I am sure you will be able to find the right path.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

phoenix2015 posted 5/19/2014 23:11 PM

Thank you for sharing such raw emotions. These are the kinds of things I would like to hear from my WS. Instead it's just easier for him not to talk about it with me. I can appreciate your perspective in both A and B. If my WS feels anything like B, I would want him to communicate this too me. Unfortunately, I think WS's don't share these thoughts and the BS only sees the withdrawing.
I can see what Karma is saying, but honestly I would love to hear my husband express a little hate towards the OW. Unfortunately, he doesn't see any issues with her and that is definitely painful for me to hear.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/19/2014 23:48 PM

Its interesting that the night I wrote this, BW and I ended up in a very volitile conversation in which I made a big boo boo by cutting BW off mid sentence to stop her from reminding me of all my indiscretions. B definitely tried to get through. Posted about it seperately.

WS's,B is not our friend. If you find yourself dancing with this monster, take off your shoes and RUN toward your BS. Talk to them. Open up. B = pain. Nothing more.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/24/2014 03:21 AM

Am happy to report this week has been spent much more in A. Fingers crossed I can plant my feet here a bit stronger!

BrokenButTrying posted 5/24/2014 05:45 AM

This is a great post TSRT.

Glad you have your feet planted in A. It's the best place to be for sure.

sinsof thefather posted 5/24/2014 12:49 PM

Thanks for the insight - it's a great post.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/24/2014 17:05 PM

Thanks guys. A all the way :-)

harrypotter posted 5/24/2014 21:19 PM

I have always felt like this. My A and B are similar to yours but I am not sure that just ignoring B will make it go away. Currently B is kicking my ass and even though I can do all the things in A.....B is still there. But, I have been in a bad place for a couple weeks, maybe I shouldn't have responded to this post. Still, it's a good definition of what things are like.

redsox13 posted 5/24/2014 22:05 PM

Here comes the 2X4 - said this almost word for word to my wife.

YOU - wayward spouse - need accept my gift of reconciliation without question. After all that you have done you have no right to doubt or mistrust my offer. You do not need to understand why I am making the offer, you simply need to trust that as the one who knows you best I see beyond your actions and see someone worthy of my love.

Stop trying to control everything. That is how we got here. You need to surrender to my love and trust. Know that it comes from a place you probably don't understand. But if you are willing to learn I can show you the way.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/26/2014 06:22 AM

Thanks redsox for sharing your perspective. I would like to think thats where i can get to. I feel like thats where i already am to be honest - but what this post is all about is acknowledging the truth that the other side still exists and needs to be kept an eye on. But i wont let it beat me. I wont let it in any further!

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