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rachelc posted 5/19/2014 06:59 AM

there is no right way for everyone to recover from infidelity. Recover yes, but using the same tools, not so much.

I'm constantly surprised by how others have forged a different path through this than me. It makes me look at how I do things and wonder if I have it right or wrong.

I know I'm a cynical person by nature but there are just wonderings. My husband met OW2 at a business function that she organizes. she still organizes it. Hubby doesn't even go. I wonder why this is ok with her BS.

I wonder why the BS of my husband's AP haven't beat the shit out of him or at least threatened him. He did mine.

So then I wonder if others have put what happened in a better perspective then me. I constantly check my perspective against others. But what I've learned through 2.5 years of this - trust myself. If I'm pissed I'm pissed. If I want respect then ask for it. If I'm not that positive when others are so be it.

I've had some really great days with hubby lately. But last night I was up at 3:45 after a bad dream and angry as hell.


BrokenButTrying posted 5/19/2014 07:06 AM

You and your BH are healing and rebuilding. That doesn't happen over night, it's hard work. The results are not immediate but when you get them, they're made of stronger stuff.

Just my take on it from what you said in your post but OW2 and her BH are rug sweeping. Immediate results, happy family everything is just fine here! But I bet my life it won't last long because the foundations are missing.

Recovery is not linear, you'll have good and bad times, ups and downs. Keep going, you'll get there.

ItsaClimb posted 5/19/2014 07:54 AM

I think so much of how we handle infidelity stems from our backgrounds, our personalities and our history together as a couple. It's not a case of right or wrong IMO, it's more a case of who am I? How do I deal with things?

I was abandoned by my mother on and off throughout my life (my grandmother brought me up for the first 6 years of my life, then I was with my mom - but it was a very up and down relationship, she died of anorexia+alcoholism in 2008) My father walked out of my life after I spent a holiday with him, being abused by his step-children the entire time, at age 11 and I have never seen or heard from him again... there was other stuff too. But my point is, these things definitely colour my reaction to my fWS' infidelity. My IC said that I am quite obviously bringing the trauma from my past into this current trauma.

By nature I am a rather intense, highly-strung, detail oriented kind of person and that shows in my coping methods with this too.

It's all very individual.

But what I've learned through 2.5 years of this - trust myself. If I'm pissed I'm pissed. If I want respect then ask for it. If I'm not that positive when others are so be it.

^^ makes so much sense.

I have to keep on reminding myself that I am not on the fast-track, accelerated course in recovery.. I am more of a plodder, an under-achiever, but I'll get there eventually!

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 7:57 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

Wodnships posted 5/19/2014 08:43 AM

I haven't been on in a couple of weeks, but what a refreshing post to see when I poke my head back in.

It's good to hear that you got there. Comparing yourself to others and doubting your own instincts is a sure way to fail in life. It;s always a great thing to seek advice from people who have been there, but at the end of the day only you really know your life and what is right for you.

I think sometimes around here it gets far to easy to focus on what is the same in our situations while ignoring what is different. No two people are the same. No two relationships are the same. how can any two affairs be the same?

karmahappens posted 5/19/2014 08:47 AM

Eh...a shitty night can throw you huh rach?

You know the answer already, you cannot compare your journey to any other.

Although the paths we take all look the same there are different twists and turns unique to each of us.

You will get to where you need to be. When you are done being pissed, when you feel respected, when you feel safe....you will get there when YOUR time is right.

(((hugs)))

rachelc posted 5/19/2014 09:32 AM

yeah, he went to another event where he had to honor some graduating seniors, one of which was OW#1's son.
Ok, so this happened before and I told him it hurt that he had to sit there and clap for her son.
But, he went again, claiming he didn't know who would be there and drove with his employee so coudln't leave and it was just a bunch of kids what was the big deal? I said you go every year to this. The program is arranged months in advance, what about the "transfer of vigilance" thing we talked about??

He said he forgot and that I'm just looking for bad things to get mad about. I said he was deciding things for me after I expressed a need and that is so disrespectful.

He said he misses 90% of his meetings because he doesn't want to see anyone that he'd have to tell me about. And that he doesn't know what to tell me - do I want him to say he saw 5 hot girls at Yoga?

Brother.

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/19/2014 18:15 PM

Rachelc - if only this was as easy as having a road map that said if you do xyz then recovery will be a dream! That someone could say there was a uniform way to deal with infidelity and everyone could just move easily through it. What does make this community great though is all these different perspectives, experiences and ways of coping. Discussing all of that allows us all to learn from each other but it certainly is a pick and choose what is relevant. If only we could definitely say this marriage is worth saving and this one isn't and we could just follow that recommendation and move on with life. Instead we scrap around in the dark with our insecurities, our need for reassurance, for someone to say "you will get through this, your marriage is worth saving, you WS gets it, you WILL be happy again, just hold on". When no one can say that but the couple involved, and even then one party feels like they can't believe it because of the lies that come with infidelity! I say be open to learning but be strong in your convictions!

RidingHealingRd posted 5/19/2014 18:52 PM

So true!

I recall posting, during the early days of discovery, that my WH could remain in my life as long as he lived by my rules. A person commented that R would not go well for me.

3+ years out and I have proven them wrong. I have been one of the few who continues to live with a deeply remorseful WH. I never dealt with:

The fog
False R
Unremorseful WS
Unfulfilled promises
Defensive WS

I deserved better, I expected better, and I never concerned myself with whether I was doing it right or wrong. I did what I felt I had to do and never feared the outcome. It worked for me.

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