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Newest Member: Bstrom (61482)

User Topic: recovery perspective
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is no right way for everyone to recover from infidelity. Recover yes, but using the same tools, not so much.

I'm constantly surprised by how others have forged a different path through this than me. It makes me look at how I do things and wonder if I have it right or wrong.

I know I'm a cynical person by nature but there are just wonderings. My husband met OW2 at a business function that she organizes. she still organizes it. Hubby doesn't even go. I wonder why this is ok with her BS.

I wonder why the BS of my husband's AP haven't beat the shit out of him or at least threatened him. He did mine.

So then I wonder if others have put what happened in a better perspective then me. I constantly check my perspective against others. But what I've learned through 2.5 years of this - trust myself. If I'm pissed I'm pissed. If I want respect then ask for it. If I'm not that positive when others are so be it.

I've had some really great days with hubby lately. But last night I was up at 3:45 after a bad dream and angry as hell.

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You and your BH are healing and rebuilding. That doesn't happen over night, it's hard work. The results are not immediate but when you get them, they're made of stronger stuff.

Just my take on it from what you said in your post but OW2 and her BH are rug sweeping. Immediate results, happy family everything is just fine here! But I bet my life it won't last long because the foundations are missing.

Recovery is not linear, you'll have good and bad times, ups and downs. Keep going, you'll get there.

Madhatters - We have R'd.

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think so much of how we handle infidelity stems from our backgrounds, our personalities and our history together as a couple. It's not a case of right or wrong IMO, it's more a case of who am I? How do I deal with things?

I was abandoned by my mother on and off throughout my life (my grandmother brought me up for the first 6 years of my life, then I was with my mom - but it was a very up and down relationship, she died of anorexia+alcoholism in 2008) My father walked out of my life after I spent a holiday with him, being abused by his step-children the entire time, at age 11 and I have never seen or heard from him again... there was other stuff too. But my point is, these things definitely colour my reaction to my fWS' infidelity. My IC said that I am quite obviously bringing the trauma from my past into this current trauma.

By nature I am a rather intense, highly-strung, detail oriented kind of person and that shows in my coping methods with this too.

It's all very individual.

But what I've learned through 2.5 years of this - trust myself. If I'm pissed I'm pissed. If I want respect then ask for it. If I'm not that positive when others are so be it.

^^ makes so much sense.

I have to keep on reminding myself that I am not on the fast-track, accelerated course in recovery.. I am more of a plodder, an under-achiever, but I'll get there eventually!

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 7:57 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 21yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been on in a couple of weeks, but what a refreshing post to see when I poke my head back in.

It's good to hear that you got there. Comparing yourself to others and doubting your own instincts is a sure way to fail in life. It;s always a great thing to seek advice from people who have been there, but at the end of the day only you really know your life and what is right for you.

I think sometimes around here it gets far to easy to focus on what is the same in our situations while ignoring what is different. No two people are the same. No two relationships are the same. how can any two affairs be the same?

me: BH 37
Her: WW 29

Married 6 years. Dating 10. Living together 8.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eh...a shitty night can throw you huh rach?

You know the answer already, you cannot compare your journey to any other.

Although the paths we take all look the same there are different twists and turns unique to each of us.

You will get to where you need to be. When you are done being pissed, when you feel respected, when you feel will get there when YOUR time is right.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, he went to another event where he had to honor some graduating seniors, one of which was OW#1's son.
Ok, so this happened before and I told him it hurt that he had to sit there and clap for her son.
But, he went again, claiming he didn't know who would be there and drove with his employee so coudln't leave and it was just a bunch of kids what was the big deal? I said you go every year to this. The program is arranged months in advance, what about the "transfer of vigilance" thing we talked about??

He said he forgot and that I'm just looking for bad things to get mad about. I said he was deciding things for me after I expressed a need and that is so disrespectful.

He said he misses 90% of his meetings because he doesn't want to see anyone that he'd have to tell me about. And that he doesn't know what to tell me - do I want him to say he saw 5 hot girls at Yoga?


Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 43041
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachelc - if only this was as easy as having a road map that said if you do xyz then recovery will be a dream! That someone could say there was a uniform way to deal with infidelity and everyone could just move easily through it. What does make this community great though is all these different perspectives, experiences and ways of coping. Discussing all of that allows us all to learn from each other but it certainly is a pick and choose what is relevant. If only we could definitely say this marriage is worth saving and this one isn't and we could just follow that recommendation and move on with life. Instead we scrap around in the dark with our insecurities, our need for reassurance, for someone to say "you will get through this, your marriage is worth saving, you WS gets it, you WILL be happy again, just hold on". When no one can say that but the couple involved, and even then one party feels like they can't believe it because of the lies that come with infidelity! I say be open to learning but be strong in your convictions!

Me: BS 34 WH: 32 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS1: 3 DS2: 1 DS3: 2 months
T 13 years, M 5
DD1: 8/1/2014 DD2: 10/1/2014
"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you!" H. Jackson Brown

Posts: 795 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true!

I recall posting, during the early days of discovery, that my WH could remain in my life as long as he lived by my rules. A person commented that R would not go well for me.

3+ years out and I have proven them wrong. I have been one of the few who continues to live with a deeply remorseful WH. I never dealt with:

The fog
False R
Unremorseful WS
Unfulfilled promises
Defensive WS

I deserved better, I expected better, and I never concerned myself with whether I was doing it right or wrong. I did what I felt I had to do and never feared the outcome. It worked for me.

ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 8

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