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Turn off or turn on? I need to be schooled! Men Please!

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She11ybeanz posted 5/19/2014 07:45 AM

Okay....so last Friday at an outdoor band...a large group of friends and I went and I met a bunch of new people.....one guy of which ended up laughing and joking with me all night...and flirting....yes....FLIRTING....I know I'm not hallucinating that....

However...maybe he was being polite? Possible... maybe he had no one better to talk to and his guy friend was a little less appealing than me? Also possible. I am also a bit older than him....quite a bit actually... I'm 34...he is 24... (which is usually a dealbreaker for me but he didn't look his age or act his age at all!)

So....we all went to eat after...and I had to leave suddenly to pick up my daughter from the "mom's night out" at daycare. It was 10pm.....and as the clock struck...I gave one of my female friends my phone number and name on a napkin to give to him instead of embarrassing him in front of everyone....

Was this a cardinal mistake in dating? Should I have let him make "that move?" Did I set myself up for failure?

He hasn't called.... I'm really not all that surprised. But, I'm trying to figure out how I missed that he "just wasn't that into me" .... but I can't remember ANY red flags....

So....what are women supposed to do? Is the old saying, "Let him chase you.....let him make the 1st move..." Still true today?

I'm baffled.

No12turn2 posted 5/19/2014 08:05 AM

I actually like a woman who would approach a man. I don't think it should be the case all the time, but it's a nice change.

I kid you not, the same thing happened with me on Friday. I went to a concert and ran into an older man with his daughter. They were good people and we got along well. He would run off for a smoke or to get a beer and would ask me to keep an eye on her (she was feeling really good). Anyway, we clicked but she was 22 and I'm 35. I wrote my number down as well and slipped it to her. I did say I'm probably too old for you but what the hell. Haven't heard from her either.

Here's what I've learned about approaching people. If you are comfortable with being turned down, go for it. The worst they can do is say no. It's a lot better than wondering and posting in the missed connections section on craigslist.

She11ybeanz posted 5/19/2014 08:18 AM

Here's what I've learned about approaching people. If you are comfortable with being turned down, go for it. The worst they can do is say no. It's a lot better than wondering and posting in the missed connections section on craigslist.

That was my thought exactly! I would have regretted it more wondering "what if" I hadn't given him my number and he really WAS interested and I never see him again! At least now I have my answer and can move on. I was just wondering if it was a turn off to take the bull by the horns and give him my number.

I remember his friend gave me his "card" and said if I needed to reach them to call it...and his friend looked at him and said, "REALLY???" But, I wasn't sure if he was just jealous his friend gave me his number and he didn't get the chance to give me his own or not....not sure on that one.

Oh well.....at least I know for sure now. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway....but we got along really well...and I took a chance. I don't regret it. Just wasn't sure if it was too balsy of a move.....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:18 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

devistatedmom posted 5/19/2014 08:29 AM

If I've learned nothing else Shelly trying to do this single thing a second time around...

what is a turn on or too forward for one is perfect for someone else. Slipping a guy your number through a friend could be too forward for one guy. He would think that you should know he would ask your friend for your number if he wanted it and be able to surprise you. You ruined it. The next guy would find that hot as heck. Still the other guy, maybe your guy, was flattered by it, but yeah, the age difference was just too much for him.

There isn't any rights or wrongs really. I mean, yeah, the pshyco guy that asks you to marry him on the first date? Or the woman that tries to move in your house on the second date? They are nuts, and yes, RUN! But little things? Everyone is different. What I find sweet you would find creepy and another would find it rude. It's all about the person in the moment and their headspace. Unfortunately, there really isn't any way to know which headspace they are in until you get further in.

kg201 posted 5/19/2014 08:36 AM

You did fine. Did the friend actually give him the napkin? Next time slip the napkin into his pocket when he's not looking, if you aren't comfortable just asking him for a date directly.

There is no right and wrong. I don't believe in these dating rules. Life is too short to follow some rigid rules of who should do what. If you're interested, then let them know.

She11ybeanz posted 5/19/2014 08:40 AM

There is no right and wrong. I don't believe in these dating rules. Life is too short to follow some rigid rules of who should do what. If you're interested, then let them know.

That's what I was thinking.....I know they say that men like to be the one to pursue....but isn't that a bit exhausting for men? Even perhaps almost a relief to have a woman do it for a change? I would think it would be nice to have the pressure taken off of their shoulders for once!

SBB posted 5/19/2014 08:46 AM

IMHO if a guy is into you it won't matter that you gave him your number. If he's into you he'll call.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard girlfriends call "stalker" on behaviour and actions that they would LAP UP if they were attracted to the guy. I'm not minimising stalkers (a real and menacing thing) - but they'll call stalker if he calls or texts immediately after a date.

AFAIK men don't do this. They're usually flattered given they aren't often pursued. Most of my guy friends don't even realise they're being hit on unless it is OVERT. Some of my girl friends are the same.

Reasons for not being into you are all about him - NOT you.

Lots of people have flirty conversations because it's fun. I don't know that anyone does it to be polite.

IMO if you're going to give your number out you need to grow a thicker skin first. You say you don't care but clearly you do. It feels like a rejection but maybe he isn't a player and thinks you're just looking for fun. Men have feelings too, y'know.

Or maybe he's intimidated by you age or the fact that you have a child.

If this has you being down on yourself then I wouldn't do it in future. It isn't worth the grief. Not because of what a guy might think of you but because you don't yet have that thick skin. Some people never get that thick skin - that's OK too.

I also think men are just as shit scared to make a move as you were. Fear of rejection doesn't go away. Unless of course you're a sociopath BPD or NPD - they're quite sunny about rejection given the sun shines out of their arse.

The way I see it - you gave him a chance. Pity for him if he doesn't take it.

I think you'd be bored shitless by a 24 y/o personally. Even one that doesn't look/act like one.

She11ybeanz posted 5/19/2014 09:07 AM

The way I see it - you gave him a chance. Pity for him if he doesn't take it.

I think you'd be bored shitless by a 24 y/o personally. Even one that doesn't look/act like one.

I agree....I've never dated a younger guy before....they have always been around 4 years older than me...

No12turn2 posted 5/19/2014 09:49 AM

BRAVO! Now get back on that horse and feel great about yourself

ProbableIceCream posted 5/19/2014 09:58 AM

I would hazard to say that early on, small stuff like that doesn't matter. What matters is that both of you enjoy spending time together, and that you arrange to do it somehow.

justjim posted 5/19/2014 10:19 AM

Friday?

This is MONDAY.

Maybe he had plans for the weekend. Maybe he had to work. Perhaps he is getting ready for vacation, or is in the middle of a project with one of his hobbies. Maybe he's working up the courage, or enjoying the anticipation...

My point is, there could be a thousand reasons why he hasn't called.

Maybe he wasn't interested, or maybe he sensed a hint of desperation (I've picked up on that several times just lately, myself. It is a definite turn off.)

But give the fellow a minute.

Patience, Grasshopper.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/19/2014 11:21 AM

I love the idea of women showing the first move. It would make me feel special and appreciated. I think the big thing here is the age difference. I agree with SBB, that you would probably get bored with him, no matter how he acts.

I will say this, as a fellow 34 y.o., we just have a different perspective than 10 years prior. As a 34 y.o., I wouldn't mind women taking initiative (life's too short), my focus would be different on relationships and minimizing the drama and bullshit is as important as anything. As a 20-something, this stuff just doesn't really happen.

Keep flirting away and know that the right man will appreciate whatever you have to offer him.

Crescita posted 5/19/2014 11:50 AM

Was there alcohol involved in this exchange? If so, I wouldn't put to much thought into it either way. You had a fun night and passed your number along. No harm. For all you know he is terrible with names and thought your friend was giving him her number. And like SBB said, little things don't get in the way of how people feel, people just interpret little things based on their feelings.

Finally, people's motives when out for a night on the town vary so wildly it's just not worth worrying over. Flirting doesn't equal interested in dating/a relationship no matter how likable you are. Some people just like to flirt, some are looking to hook-up. If you aren't what he is looking for, he's not the right fit for you either.

Dadtryingtocope posted 5/19/2014 12:14 PM

Totally a turn on for a man who is mature. If he wasn't interested he certainly could of told you that. At 24 I would hardly consider him mature. Of course that's me thinking about what I was like at 24. So take that with a grain of salt. I say if you meet more men that you are interested in, let them know. We do like it if we don't have to guess. Good luck!

She11ybeanz posted 5/19/2014 12:19 PM

Well it is refreshing to hear men say that they would be flattered by a woman making the 1st move.....

Maybe I should make business cards....

That would make those moments at the grocery store when I pass a guy with a fleeting exchange easier....

miadianna posted 5/19/2014 13:00 PM

Nothing against you, but he could have been just out for the night with friends and not really interesting in finding someone to date. Just having a good time, he is 24 and that's what 24 year-olds do.
He might call, but I wouldn't expect it unless there was something he said during the night that indicated he was interested in going out with you. He might be looking at the night from an entirely different perspective than you are and that's all.

Brandon808 posted 5/19/2014 13:12 PM

Another man here who likes it when the woman makes the first move.

I know they say that men like to be the one to pursue....but isn't that a bit exhausting for men?
I actually don't particularly like it and yes, it can be exhausting.
Even perhaps almost a relief to have a woman do it for a change? I would think it would be nice to have the pressure taken off of their shoulders for once!
Yes it can be a relief.

I think you did fine.

dontknowwhyme posted 5/19/2014 15:13 PM

Have you got confirmation that he got your number?

gahurts posted 5/19/2014 15:45 PM

When the clock struck 10 and you had to get your daughter, did you just POOF on him or did you say good bye and tell him you had to run? When you said goodbye, that would have been a good time to slip him your number and said that you enjoyed his company and hoped you could cross paths again. I know I also would really like it if a woman did that to me.

If you just POOFED that could have been a turn off. If a friend passed me a napkin from someone who couldn't even say goodbye, I might not call.

SeanFLA posted 5/19/2014 16:00 PM

If you want honesty I'll give it to you, but it ain't gonna be pretty. Much of it depends if you said you to him you had to leave to get your toddler daughter or not. Or if he was told you have a young child by a friend during the evening. Odds are I bet he already asked somebody there about you behind your back.

Thinking back to when I was 24 and single, I was in no way interested in an older woman with a toddler. Even if she slipped me her number I probably would not have called her. Frankly to him it's a good ego stroke, but also may come across a little desperate in his eyes. 24 years old is a far cry from 34, especially when very small children are involved. There really isn't anything to be baffled about here. He's just not along in his life where you are with your's. Forget about it and just move on. Are you really interested in dating a college aged kid right now? I can't think of a more unstable and responsible-less age for a young man. Might want to consider fine tuning your picker next time you hand out your phone number.

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