"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

kg201 posted 5/19/2014 08:31 AM

Just left a team meeting for my son, who gets services at school. This is the first such meeting where I was in the same room with my X, since before my X filed her restraining order, where the goal was a common interest in our son's transition into junior high.

There was no drama, but it is just so odd to sit across the table from the woman I spent so many years with, who is behaving like the woman I used to know. It felt like an alternate reality, where the woman who was possessed by those plant things in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, is all of a sudden no longer possessed.

I had to keep reminding myself what she did, and what she continues to harbor inside of her. This wasn't really a trigger, just a weird feeling. It's easier to picture them as monsters that you only text or email with.

That's it. Just musings. Back to reality.

Softcentre posted 5/19/2014 08:37 AM

She has a RO against you?Does it specify not being with [distance] of you? If so, would that invalidate the RO?

norabird posted 5/19/2014 08:42 AM

Quite bizarre.. ((((kg))))

kg201 posted 5/19/2014 08:50 AM

Softcentre, she had one in February, that was removed in a court hearing. She is still appealing the ruling, but there are many moments, such as this morning, where it is clear that her filing the RO had nothing to do with her being afraid of me. I have been sending my lawyers these anecdotes as they prepare the response to her appeal.

GotPlayed posted 5/19/2014 09:14 AM

(((kg201)))

My DS10 has severe autism. I recently had the joy of attending a team meeting (called by stbxww), regarding his case. Not much came out of it, but she kept emphasizing what a good mother she was. Bizarre indeed.

No RO in my case, but that's because I saw a L and he advised me to move out of the house. The OM in my sich went to jail due to DV (on his own ex) and then sent threats from jail, so my L said essentially (I'm paraphrasing) "whether that case is true or not, DV and abuse is "in the air" so it's best you move out and only contact her through email or text."

Best advice I ever got. It's helped detach (though it's still very hard), and there's no need or reason for her to get a RO or anything. In the meantime, supposedly she broke it off with OM and he's stalking her (and was harassing me for a bit). I can feel comfortable with the judge looking at my entire text history if this ever went to trial (in the meantime, she has "lost all the messages on her phone" twice in three months). I'm hoping it doesn't go to trial, but I have sent the affair+harassing evidence to my L. In CA it's not actionable, but me staying detached and them behaving that way can only help me if it did.

I don't think of her as a monster, but I think she is a very ill individual (they say our character is a combination of the 5 people closest to us - for some people that is clearly the case). It's tragic, but I have to protect my kids, who come first and before her in my priority list after what she did. There's no telling where this would be if I hadn't enforced strong boundaries early on.

Hoping for the best, kg201. Remember, no drama. Email and text. Businesslike.

SBB posted 5/19/2014 12:33 PM

You may have read on here about the Pod Person phenomena. It's like they've been taken over by aliens or something.

The sad clowns first name here was monster. I had him listed as such in my contacts and that's what I called him IRL. The monster walking around in my husbands skin.

It is weird at first but you do get used to it. I remind myself that the guy I used to see glimpses of under that mask and that I told myself were aberrations is actually the guy I now deal with. He IS the aberration.

It's unnerving. Kind of like seeing your Prime Minister in Speedo's (aka Budgie Smugglers). Except that I don't think I'll ever get used to this.

Gemini71 posted 5/19/2014 13:31 PM

It's easier to picture them as monsters that you only text or email with.

I hear ya. It's very hard when my STBX actually behaves like the H I thought I had. Really messes with my head. I also completely agree with the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" reference, because he looks like my H, sounds like my H, but there's just something horribly off about it. The worst is when I relax my guard for a moment and forget what's happened. For a moment I think it's my H again, but then I remember it's not.

We also had an IEP meeting (a.k.a. team meeting) for our daughter when she changed schools in November. It's kinda funny seeing him act like he is an involved parent and know what's best for his kid. He's never really understood DD, and spends less than 20% of the time with her now. The only reason he knows what's going on with her is because I tell him.

So yeah. I understand where you're coming from. Keep strong.

kg201 posted 5/19/2014 19:40 PM

SBB, that's some scary prime ministering right there. I am a former competitive swimmer and still don the swim suit from time to time, but I am also not a public figure.

Acer0112 posted 5/19/2014 21:25 PM

Wow - this happened to me the other day when we were pulling items out for the community garage sale and making deals -

when my STBX actually behaves like the H I thought I had. Really messes with my head

- and then as soon as he could - bam - couldn't leave fast enough. I got the "ah ha", I remember now - he resents me and can't wait to call OW. My new reality.

Ya - Mr. Prime Minister would fair better in the Jammers the boys wear for swim team here - they look like bike shorts

Harriet posted 5/20/2014 00:34 AM

I had a moment today where it just felt so odd - my ex was at the house because we were both meeting with a landscaper (we co-own the house). A neighbor walked by and so there we were, standing on my porch, chatting to the neighbor like we used to umpteen times before. But we are complete strangers to each other now. It was such a bizarre experience. It must have thrown our neighbor off, too!

Isn't it strange how, after so many years of this person being our best friend, it all comes to this weird...I don't know...nothingness?

Tripletrouble posted 5/20/2014 15:01 PM

I thought of this phenomenon as Pet Cemetary husband. Remember the Stephen King movie where they come back looking the same, but they are now monsters?

kg201 posted 5/20/2014 16:58 PM

My IC today thought that my X behaving "normally" might bode well for future co-parenting. He did agree that letting my guard down right now might be premature, but if she shows the possibility of reducing her venom, then It might be good.

I don't know...it makes me think of The fable about the scorpion and the frog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog