I am 4+ years out from his A, we are still together, though I am not sure I would say it is R. This is the second M for both of us, 19 yr marriage. I have kids from prior M.
At Easter, we gave DD32 a check as a gift. H told me how much to write the check for, since I defer to his opinion about financially helping my kids (he has had issue with that in the past...one of his excuses for his A). So after a few weeks, he had been pestering me about why she had not yet cashed the check....I kept forgetting to ask her about it.
Then DD needed some help moving things from her ex-BF's house. H and I went and helped her get her stuff, brought it to her new place. A few minutes after we left, she called me and asked if H had taken the check that was on her kitchen table....he vehemently denied. She said she knew he was right there, the check was sitting out and now it was gone. No one else was around except for the three of us. The check never materialized....I wrote her a new one, and she cashed it immediately. I KNOW he took it.
Fast forward a few weeks to last week. I needed a second photo ID for my school. Asked H to help me look for my passport in the safe. He never did, so I eventually got into the safe myself to look for it. I opened one of the drawers and found some coins I had purchased for the kids when they were younger and had a huge flashback.
Before we were married, H persuaded me to buy these coins for the kids as gifts. He always liked and admired them. I started buying them for the kids for Christmas, and kept them for the kids in a box in my room.
H was living away finishing his degree, and we never lived together before this time. He had stuff at a relative's house. We had decided to secretly get married, and he needed his divorce papers from his prior M. Asked me to go to said relative's house and retrieve his box of important papers, which I did. When I got home, I opened the box. Lo and behold, there were the coins I had purchased for my kids. I was sick. Asked him about it. He said that he had "accidentally" taken the coins home with him. Very implausible. He had never mentioned to me that he had "accidentally" taken the coins.
That weekend, I was driving to where he was at school to get our marriage license. The rest is history. I married a liar, he lies about everything and nothing. We determined that this was the slippery slope to his A, and now he adamantly insists he HAS stopped lying. The problem is, I think he still does, but he will just never admit it.
I am sick. I have no one to talk to about this. My daughter knows about the check thing and that I think he took it, but really, this has been my life for the last 20 years. If I mention it to him, he will just deny and there will be a big argument.
The other day I said that if he ever pulls a stunt anywhere near what he did with his A, I am finished. He said he was "hurt" by that...?!?
I am going to school for a new career right now, still working full time, but I will have to go part time next year to accommodate my program. I feel like I am detaching, but really, I don't see any hope for him to stop this lying (and stealing). I am devastated. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long.