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Last night my husband told me that he thinks I forget that he's in so much pain over my A. That I don't bring it up, apologize, be remorseful enough, etc.
It's been only 3 months and we were NC, but that was another lie, I had been emailing a few times to make sure he was "ok" - he was in ailing health. So that was a major set back about a week ago.
If he comes to me and wants to talk, ask questions, tell me how he feels then I'm there for him but I do not out of the blue everyday bring up how remorseful I feel, even if I"m thinking/feeling it. I don't see if he's not triggering or thinking about it, why bring it up. We are trying to work towards R. I am being loving, and with my gestures and actions trying to bring back the trust and love that we have. Since I"ve lied so much over the A it's difficult to verbalize since I know it's not being received well..

Not sure if you meant to post this in this thread, but I could see your dilema. My BS doesn't tell me enough her regret, but I have seen that recently every time I trigger she says she's sorry. Last night she hugged me and bed and told me "You don't know how sorry I am for hurting you.". Every time she says this, it heels me. I feel it. Like a little bit of pain goes away each and every time.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=531406

I posted this very same topic in the wayward side and got a lot of great perspectives from all sides.

You need to know, especially with a second dday last week, that he is thinking about it, living it, being reminded of it ...every second of every day.

The pain probably makes me him unable to breathe at times. He probably looks at you and wonders who the heck you are.

He questions that he is still there, wonders why he should stay.

If you were emailing the AP up until last week you were still in the affair, you cared more about the AP's health and well being than you did your husbands God, that hurts, it really hurts. It also has shown him that you were NOT remorseful the last three months and he has been hanging on, while you lied.

Take a moment every day to ask him how he is, ask him what you can do to help him.

Work on you, actively, so he can see it. Show him your pain in hurting him. Right now your words mean nothing...so DO something, to help you and him. Read, post here, talk to him, ask him what he needs.

Have you gotten into IC? If not, I would, today. I hope he gets into his own as well, it will help him.

You can't just sit back and watch him bleed out...pick him up and help carry him right now.

Good luck to you both, I hope you can put the actions into play that help you both move forward and heal through this.

Thank you so much. It's really helpful to hear your comments! This is a very difficult time and it's confusing, heartbreaking and the most hurtful process imaginable. It's great to have a resource to help us as we go through it.

I think one of the most caring things my husband did was to ask "How are you doing?" If I sighed, he might ask--do you need a hug?

His willingness to be open, not to shy away from the topic (which really was in my mind about 95% of my waking life) was very comforting to me.

Yes I agree. Something as simple as "how are you doing today?" Can make all the difference. It makes me feel like WS is acknowledging my pain that he has caused. Lately after some TT my WS has been like this. It really does hurt. It feels like he just dropped a bomb, then goes back to normal like nothing happened. He will listen and talk if I need him to. But what I need is for him to bring it up. So I don't have the burden of always being the one to bring up the A or the after math of the A. It let's me know he is thinking about it too.

I want you to be happy too.

I actually asked my WW for this specifically. As others have said, the BS often spends the majority of their time thinking about the A. For me, it is on my mind more that I would like it to be. And I am up and down, not as bad as during the first few weeks, but I can still get really down without much notice. On the other hand, my WW appears more put together on the surface. When I am down she is supportive. But the cycle we were in is that we were only discussing things when I was down. We weren't discussing the A on a good day, even though it's always there.

Thus, I asked her to bring it up, to check in with each other even when things are going well. Knowing on a daily basis that my wife is thinking about the A too. Knowing that she understands and appreciates my struggle and offers support even when I don't need it feels better. I consider this akin to preventative maintenance instead of waiting until I breakdown.

Could it be that OM is Hoovering you with the health issue? He may know that's one of your buttons which will get a response from you. Since you aren't nursing him back to health, why is his health an issue for you? What you are doing is the opposite of NC. You are not going to be happy if you choose to emotionally remain in the affair. And BH suffered a second D day due to your decision to lie to him. His burden is very great now, and you have a long way to go to prove to him that you can be trusted.

I'm not sure why knowing his health was important to me. I think it's because I'm a caring spirit and felt that I "owed" it to him to care. I put myself out there to be loved by someone else and he did that and now I feel guilty about it. Plus I do genuinely care about him. I developed very deep feelings for him. And if they were just fantasy / not real life since those real life issues were never part of our equation or not, the feelings are still there. Yes, I try to tell myself that he took advantage of someone in a marriage and if he was a "good" person he wouldn't have, but neither was I. But, I feel that there was just an chemistry/attraction from the first time we met that was strong and hard to pull away from. It felt like I had known him forever. I know though now though that my husband does love me, he wants to be married to me, he is working hard on eliminating any type of emotional abuse he unintentionally caused and my family and working on building my relationship with my husband trumps those feelings with the "A". BUT, I do still care that he's ok. I know now and tell myslef that he was ok before he met me and will be ok after and me knowing or not knowing what's going on in his life doesn't change anything. It only hurts me and my husbands change to R and move forward.

Well, have you told your husband about your still-existing feelings towards OM? If not, you're letting him continue to live a lie. Maybe he's just fine with that, I don't know. But I'm not sure you are reconciling with H instead of just making an accommodation with him. My health is shot, too. But I don't expect you to come rushing to my aid and comfort.

Maybe you were never in a fog and all of what you just posted about the soul mate thing is entirely true. I'm too old to believe that there is only one person in the world for each other person, so maybe what you've said is accurate and not fantasy.

But from the many posts here, successful reconciliation does not involve three people.

Sorry for the two by four, but your response kind of floored me.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 2:36 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

You know, my H felt he had "deep" feelings for the AP too, when he was feeding the affair. Infatuation is strong stuff.. . . Makes people do crazy things, like throw all their morals out the window, and chuck their families under the bus. But guess what? It is smoke and mirrors. Those feelings feel real, but if you will keep NC and do the work, I bet the farm in 6 months you will not recognize yourself....in a good way. You will see the AP for who he is-- a very damaged person who in turn caused people you love a lot of hurt. So, in that sense, the very worst person for you that there could be in the world. It is actually the polar opposite of love.

NC. Read "not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." Keep reading here, and hang in there. It is hard, but you have the potential to be so much happier.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:11 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

bionicgal
Thank you for your positive thoughts and words - I think we are on a positive path and plan to prove that I can be a better person and confront my short comings and sins.