Last Tuesday, there was a meeting to discuss parts of the financial settlement. We had made an offer on me buying out his half of the house---he said he accepted it on principle but had things to discuss; he wanted the 4 of us (L's and us) to have a meeting. I declined to have the meeting; basically saying "take it or leave it" (it was generous). Well he and his L insisted, my L said I didn't have to be there, so I opted out (I become a spitting lunatic in his presence due to his suave NPD and lies that fool everyone). So, my L represented me at the meeting, she (audio)taped it so I could listen.
Well, I listened to the tape. And I became the spitting lunatic alone in her conference room instead (way better). He started out with a sad tone that "BS really isn't well…" ; this was discussed for the better part of the first 10 minutes…how I am reacting to the divorce, crying in front of the kids, "poisoning them". (Hello, I thought this meeting was to discuss financials??) It's apparent that his L believes all he tells her, bc she dramatically stated some hyper bolic crap, e.g., "she threw him out with two cents and his clothes" (I wish). Fact = he made me pay for his move and his security deposit, all the time withdrawing more than $1000/week from our credit margin, refusing furniture from the house and buying all new furniture---and now he's poor and blaming me. He wasted more breath on a custody issue long over (he doesn't want the kids on sunday nights when I drop them off after my w/e with them--wants them at my place on monday mornings--I leave at 0700; they'd have to awaken themselves, get their breakfasts, get their stuff together, and leave on time to catch a bus whose schedule they are unfamiliar with….but yet they have an available parent who's always done their Monday am routine with them since mommy leaves so early)..Why? So he can spend sunday night at the OW's! (of course this was never mentioned). I cracked up when his L was arguing for him; she was clueless as to his motivation for this---well she can just drop them off at your place before school on mondays, since you live next to the school, yeah… Ha-ha----little do you know he's not there!
He bald-facedly lied about several issues, telling them he acquiesced to my schedule demands (fact: he obstinately made me follow his demands; from sept to june I had exactly 1 weekend I requested; in fact the Operating Room schedule for my hospital was changed to accommodate him. I never knew about the OW and her custody schedule until december, and the schedule was already made) . He lied about his income (of course). He said he paid half of all house renovations (I have proof I paid entire amounts), he paid half of the mortgage at all times (more like 20%; audit in progress to prove), and half of children's expenses (more like 0.01% actually and I've got receipts to prove). And his L obviously believes him!
I loved being able to document his travelling with the OW to exotic places, yet refusing to pay for kids' summer camps. My motivation: he's also not paying his L bills! It's time she knew the real reason why.
And so on….so so SO on…..he even mentioned with his "sympathy voice" that yes I'm sorry I never told her, and that I did it, but yes its done already, she needs to move on (hello, I am not even 5 months post D-day; he's had years to adjust….but BS isn't allowed any time to grieve; she's just crazy…)
What kills me the most is that he is addicted to his OW. He must spend every moment he can with her, and the kids obviously get in the way. He rented a $2000 per month apartment (which he can't afford), yet spends all non-kid times at her place. Then cries poor, it's BS's fault, and she must pay me…. and his L is buying it!
So I wrote an official letter of response. I asked that it be entered into the record. It's long, but calm and rational, outlining examples of all the lies he posited during the meeting, with my proofs otherwise. I was also clear that for years he emotionally abused me with his NPD/PA/pathologic lying, even going so far as to insist that I socialize with the OW (a "friend" of the family) regularly for all the years they knew each other. And that it is a sign of mental health on my part that I would no longer abide that abuse (that he insists we follow her schedule). That our custody schedule would be made only regarding the needs of the children and his and my work and travel schedules.
His calm suaveness--while outright lying and manipulating--has always fooled everyone in his path (heck, I fell for it 20 years ago and I'm just waking up to its magnitude now…) I am glad I was not at the meeting bc this way I was able to respond rationally, and not be shut down by all of them.
But I'm still pissed that he blames me for the position he is in. Not only that, he expects me to clean up the mess.
And even more pissed that the kids constantly receive the message that his relationship with OW is more important than they are. Every behaviour he has supports that.
I know my healing will necessarily involve me accepting him for the douchebag that he is. He will not change. He is not capable of growth or insight. But man is that frustrating! And the kids suffer most from the behavioural messages he sends them that they are secondary.
Sometimes I am tired of being the responsible one here….
married 19 years
separated since 8/2013
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 15 and 12
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)