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I am numb....

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inaumasana2012 posted 5/19/2014 13:41 PM

My story is long..... I don't even have the energy... It starts before we are even married affairs... No honestly.. No transparency..... The latest.. Sept 2012... He was studying abroad... Came home for vacation.... I naively thought to see me and the kids.... Nah.... Nope .... Nada.... 2 weeks before he leaves.. I discovered... My life crumbled.. This not being the first dday... I thought i'd be stronger... My my... How wrong was I.... I was brought to my knees that week... Wave after wave... And especialy the realization that he was thick in a LTA.... A much younger girl..... And reading their comms... They were so in love.... And I still believe to the core if me...even today That if it wasn't me and the kids.... We are in the way..the obstacles.... The nuisances.... And my husband in all of this... The man who doesn't do the emotional crap.... The I'm sorrys.... The I love yous.... And no NC.... Basically I'm tired.... Just about there.. To be done.. Tired of being the 3rd wheel.... Anyway......And that's it... After 2years of stalking.. My 1st post.....I welcome myself to SI. Thanks for having me....

Skan posted 5/19/2014 14:32 PM

Welcome. I'm glad that you decided it was time to post so that we could get to know you, and try to help you specifically. If you've been lurking for 2 years, then have you had a chance to read The Healing Library (upper left in yellow box) and read through the posts on this forum with red "targets" on them? If not, please do.

You can see, by his actions, that your WH doesn't mean a word of how sorry he is, how much he loves you, and how important you are in his life. Those are horribly harsh words. I am so very sorry to say them to you. You have to look at his actions, not hear his words. If he were sorry, if he were remorseful, if he were a loving person, he would not betray you. He would not betray your children. He would not betray his family over and over again.

Please ask yourself. How many more precious years of your life are you willing to let a monster consume? Because that's what he's doing. He is eating up years of your life that you will never get back. He is causing fractures in your family that will never heal for as long as he is allowed to continue this. He is causing harm not only to you, but to your children. And he is spending YOUR martial assets on his whores. So, in a very nasty and unsettling way, you are supporting his OW.

You are worth far, far more than this kind of life. You really are. So are your children. (((hugs)))

inaumasana2012 posted 5/19/2014 15:09 PM

Thank you Skan, for responding. I didn't expect the sharp pain when i saw your words.... And not in a bad way....but i actually was thinking... Not whores...just clueless young girls who think they know everything...but its me hiding..., it is true,.. I am wasting away.... Wasting myself, which is so sad. What will I ever tell my daughter? Anywayz.. Rambling thoughts.....

needfriendshere posted 5/19/2014 15:14 PM

I also welcome you to SI! This is a place where people really care. They have been where you have been and know how you feel. This is a place to vent. You left a lot of detail out but we get the picture. You poor thing! Why did it take so long for you to come here? Have you had support through this? I hope so!

Mom-of-4 posted 5/19/2014 15:27 PM

I'm so sorry about what it happening. Many of us truly understand the absolute devastation of an A. Many of us also have young children we have to take care of while navigating all the turmoil and anguish. It is so very hard. Many of us suffer from PTSD because the A was such a tsunami of pain and destruction. You are in the right place. I suggest you enter the Healing Library for help. Keep yourself and your children as priority #1. Tell someone who can be there for you. Make an appointment with a lawyer. Secure money. Protect yourself and your children in every way possible. It sounds like after the Ddays in 2012 your WH and you did not truly R and heal if he "doesn't do the emotional crap" as you said. Reconciling after infidelity involves more than crap- it is a complete emotional and physical shit-storm (sorry, but it's true). Welcome to SI. Sorry you are here.

1Faith posted 5/19/2014 17:09 PM

(((hugs)))

Welcome. We are here for you and as you know, sadly, we can relate.

We understand being exhausted by it all. The lies, the denials, the hope, the disappointments, the wondering, the despair.

It certainly takes it toll on the body and mind. And after 2 years with no change...you sound as if you have almost gotten to the point of indifference.

You and your children deserve to live a life of honesty and truth even if that is without your WH. At least you know what you are dealing with and aren't waiting and hoping for a transformation that isn't likely to occur.

This stops when you say it stops. You have a voice and it matters. YOU matter.

You will tell your daughters that you all need to live differently and that you love them (not sure their age). Tell them age appropriate information (see a counselor).

But ask yourself this...would you want your daughters to believe that putting up with your WH behavior is okay? Would you want your daughters to live through what you are? If not, be the example of strength and courage for them (as hard as it is) and start anew, fresh and with honesty.

Good luck. You CAN and WILL make it. The road is long but you will make it to the other side.

(((hugs)))

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