Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Did something bloody stupid!

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/19/2014 16:17 PM

So last night BW and I were discussing a particular issue that we have always had in our relationship. I wouldn't call it a fight but it was emotional and frustration driven. Anyway, at a certain point BW felt the need to verbally list each of my indiscretions, slowly and with a tone in her voice that screamed to me that she wanted me to feel the pain of being reminded. This has happened many times and it has never ever triggered me to behave the way it did this time. I have always been able to listen and do my very best to make sure BW feels supported and heard. But this time... As she was midway through the list, I felt an overwhelming urge to not have to hear that list be read out yet again and particularly the way she was saying it - and i cut her off. I jumped in and said, "Yep yep, all the things ive done, yep".

I knew immediately i had fucked up. What made it worse was that to BW it came off as aggressive too, which is not where it came from at all. Merely me showing a crack in my armour and not feeling like i could handle having to hear it all again.

WTF??? Since when do i get to just squash my BW's right to vent and to restate over and over again as many times as she wants the things i have done? Since when is my need to deal with my own frustrations and fears and confrontations more important than hers that i can just stop her from talking like that?? I feel weak, i feel like a big fat let down and just really really disappointed with myself.

The last couple of days BW has made some really out-there efforts to be closer to me and even to comfort me a little when ive been showing my pain. Then last night i do that to her. Just fucking disgraceful.

I'm so sorry. I can and will do better.

karmahappens posted 5/19/2014 17:10 PM

Hey tsrt

You may not have handled it well, but IMO your wife shouldn't have thrown your affair (sorry I don't know your back story) in your face to gain control of a non-A related discussion.

I know as a BS the A is always in our minds, it is hurt on top of hurt, but to throw it in a WS's face is really hurtful to R.

I would apologize for blowing up, but I think she needs to be responsible for her words too.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:10 PM, May 19th (Monday)]

tired girl posted 5/19/2014 17:15 PM

When you two are having an emotional discussion, what do you think drives her to need to remind you of this so many times? She must be getting triggered by something and feeling a need to get you to listen. Maybe a lack of empathy in your discussions?

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/19/2014 17:43 PM

Hi guys,

Urgent clarification required here. The discussion pertained to a behaviour that existed prior to the affair, yes, but has seemingly become worse since, and a correlation was drawn between the two when BW began listing my deeds. It was not a case of them being thrown in my face. She has always had far more poise and gracefulness throughout all this than that.

There was no inappropriate delivery or utilization of affair details. It was relevant. I just didnt want to hear it again.

[This message edited by theseseatsRtaken at 5:45 PM, May 19th (Monday)]

tired girl posted 5/19/2014 17:57 PM

Have you examined why?

kansas1968 posted 5/19/2014 17:58 PM

Hi seats!!
The reconciliation process is very emotional for both parties and what you did was just become emotional. Very human. My husband has done what you did many times when I am "repeating the litany" of his misdeeds. He would become very angry and yell, "I know!!! I am a horrible person!! Why don't you tell me again!!" Very emotional.

I would always tell him, no you are not a horrible person but you did some things that feel horrible to me. He would calm down and we would talk on. Don't beat yourself up. Your wife just wants to make dead sure that you get it. That you understand how badly she hurts and why.

Sounds to me like you are doing a good job.

StillGoing posted 5/19/2014 18:04 PM

Have you apologized to her and talked to her about this?

karmahappens posted 5/19/2014 18:05 PM

I just didnt want to hear it again

ahhh...ok so then I retract lol...

but you recognize what you did was wwrong and you will try to do better in the future.

It's all any of us can do.

RidingHealingRd posted 5/19/2014 18:10 PM

what do you think drives her to need to remind you of this so many times?

Possibly the excruciating pain of the horrendous betrayal. Possibly the recent Dday. Yup, that might cause it.

As for:

I knew immediately i had fucked up

It appears that you have been very good about handling your BSs anger (understandable anger) and she probably knows this. Letting her know that you messed up, that you are sorry, and that you will work to do better should help.

I flung a ton of crap at my WH...for a long time. His reaction is almost certainly the reason why I am still with him 3+ years later. He did not get defensive, did not get angry, and would often tell me that he deserved it. I may not have liked it but I truly would have understood if he did get angry once or twice (but no more). For those WS who work their ass off TRYING I sometimes wonder how they do it.

R is a long journey. Chances are you will be tested again, and again, and again. One slip up does not negate all of your successes.

theseseatsRtaken posted 5/19/2014 23:36 PM

Tired girl,
I have a fairly strong idea that I didnt want to hear it purely out of plain old fear of pain. Everytime BW reels off the charges I feel like my appendix are bursting. Its awful and I deserve it, I should bear it, and BW needs to be able to do it without fear of me suddenly appearing to be putting my own needs first. Ive done that for 10 years. No more.

Althea posted 5/20/2014 11:10 AM

Defensiveness is a protective mode. I'm going to take a shot in the dark and venture that you heard "you are bad," "you screwed up," "you disappointed/failed/insert whatever the trigger word you heard was." It all stems from shame; and as long as you hang out there, you aren't going to get to where you need to be.

You kind of contradict yourself in terms of whether your BW actually used the list of indiscretions as a means of punishing your or whether she was trying to make a point regarding A related behavior. My guess is she was doing the latter and your heard the former.

WH and I struggle with this too. The next time this comes up for you, take a step back and ask yourself why you are getting defensive. What are the feelings her words are bringing up for you? Then dig a little deeper, who are those feelings really about. Chances are they are about you. It will point you to what you need to work on.

Good luck, you are obviously trying very hard; and that is the most any of us can do.

tired girl posted 5/20/2014 11:14 AM

Chances are they are about you. It will point you to what you need to work on.

Right here was where I wanted to get to with you. When your wife is talking about these things, you are making it about your pain. You need to turn that around and start making it about her pain. I know it will be hard for you in the beginning to not get stuck in that shame spiral, but you really need to focus on her in those conversations, because that is who it is about. Not you.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.