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Entitlement 101

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Mrs Panda posted 5/19/2014 19:47 PM

Another thread triggered me to think.

I have always gotten everything I wanted. Even R.

I was told I deserved this and that. My parents, my mother and grandparents especially, treated me as the Golden Child. Even putting me above my sister, which hurts to say. I loved my sister, but I was a little bit smarter and more athletic and I knew it. Or at least that was my perception. My mom was a SAHM and I was the first born. This makes me sad now because my sister is my bestie and she is amazing, compassionate and a better person than me. My parents were so careful to love us equally. Still, I felt superior to her and everyone. Anything I needed or wanted was provided. Not rich, but middle class. But the things I really wanted, I was scared to confide in my Mom. There was a real disconnect there. I believe it was because I sensed that she was rather rigid and judge mental. I took that same fear and projected it onto my BH.

My feelings of superiority however were tempered by old school bullying. I was not popular and my only saving grace was being the smartest. I liked that role, but struggled from K-12 with awkwardness and a limited social life.

I became attuned to hard work = reward. This was true in academics and sport. I never understood people with natural ability or talent. I had to work for everything. And hard work meant a medal, or promotion. Now I am learning that is not always the case. Even today, my best characteristic, at least in my opinion, is diligence and work ethic.

Interestingly, I have always been lazy in relationships.

When my BH forgave me, a certain part of me felt that it made sense. Because I have always gotten what I wanted. I begged and pleaded for R, and I had gotten it. I deserved it and had won. (These were the thoughts I had then). I was so relieved but still felt like shit. How could I be a reformed wayward in R and not always "win." It was not easy and the road to R has been tough. But sometimes I think it was too easy.


I struggle with something else now. I want a child. My BH wants us to fix our M and can live without a child. I believe that if I push enough, I could get what I want. But I don't want too. I want to learn to live with disappointment. I want to put my BH first for once. I don't want sympathy. I want him to hae what he needs.

Honestly it amazes me how everything seems to go back to FOO issues.

Ramble over. Thanks for reading. .

Jovie posted 5/20/2014 08:33 AM

Wow I can really relate. I am also the first born and the only daughter. It's sort of obvious that I am the "favorite".

And I am also lazy in relationships. I never thought of it like that before, but it's so accurate.

Your struggle seems so familiar too. Like, wanting what you want, but not wanting to always get what you want.

Ugh, lots to think about. Let me know when you find the solution ok?

Seriously though, I'm sorry you haven't been able to agree on children. Hopefully if you are able to work on selflessness your M will improve to the point that you will both be in a good place for it.

tired girl posted 5/20/2014 11:24 AM

Do you feel that you have trouble setting your own boundaries now in the things that you shouldn't have?

No12turn2 posted 5/20/2014 15:28 PM

Quick question (gently),
Do you feel like having a child would solve your problems or do you feel like this is a genuine desire?

Darkness Falls posted 5/20/2014 16:16 PM

(((Mrs P)))

I'm sorry you're in this position. It must be very hard.

I understand your willingness to accept the disappointment in order to continue your journey away from entitled thinking...and I admire you for it. It just seems like such a monumental thing to give up and I'm sorry you and your H are in a place where you feel you need to.

Strength and courage!

Mrs Panda posted 5/21/2014 18:02 PM

Your struggle seems so familiar too. Like, wanting what you want, but not wanting to always get what you want.

Exactly. And when I get what I want, I just want the next thing. I can't just enjoy what I have. The buzz wears off. Honestly, I have gotten a ton better. Much more contented and less restless.

TJ,

Do you feel that you have trouble setting your own boundaries now in the things that you shouldn't have?

Gosh, not sure. Not sure I totally understand the question to be honest. I don't really deprive myself of much. I am not sure what u should not have.


Quick question (gently),
Do you feel like having a child would solve your problems or do you feel like this is a genuine desire?


I definitely do not feel like a child would solve any problems. It is also not an all-consuming desire. I can live and be happy without a kid. But it seems a bit sad to me. We both, my BH and I, have a lot to give.

suckstobeme posted 5/22/2014 12:48 PM

BS here. I see you explaining a lot of where my exwh comes from and where his sense of entitlement was born. It makes a lot of sense - he also was first-born, viewed as the smarter one, and the golden child. At the same time, he just disclosed to me after a discussion about our DS that he was picked on as a kid. I never knew that in all the time that we were married. I think he buried that for years and is why he had an A and drinks to excess and gambles. He tries to squash down lots of feelings and FOO issues and you can almost touch the inadequacy that he feels.

That's a ramble.

My point, and why I wanted to respond, is that, while I understand the desire to work on your M and your issues, I also think that the decision to have or not have children has to be 100% mutual or else there is a massive elephant in the room and it's nothing that you can go back on once it's too late.

I don't mean that you should badger your BS into having a kid if that's not what he wants. But, I think you need to really explore whether this is something you can truly be without or whether you're making this decision about such a huge thing just to finally show that you can compromise. If it's the latter, there is going to be a lot of resentment in your future. Having children is one of those fundamental desires that all married couples have to discuss. If it's in your heart, even a little bit, that you may want children, you have to communicate that and you have to make a decision - not because of the A and the consequences that it brought on - but because your heart tells you to make that decision. I just get scared that if hard times fall on this marriage again in the future, this will be the thing to make it crack.

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