Another thread triggered me to think.
I have always gotten everything I wanted. Even R.
I was told I deserved this and that. My parents, my mother and grandparents especially, treated me as the Golden Child. Even putting me above my sister, which hurts to say. I loved my sister, but I was a little bit smarter and more athletic and I knew it. Or at least that was my perception. My mom was a SAHM and I was the first born. This makes me sad now because my sister is my bestie and she is amazing, compassionate and a better person than me. My parents were so careful to love us equally. Still, I felt superior to her and everyone. Anything I needed or wanted was provided. Not rich, but middle class. But the things I really wanted, I was scared to confide in my Mom. There was a real disconnect there. I believe it was because I sensed that she was rather rigid and judge mental. I took that same fear and projected it onto my BH.
My feelings of superiority however were tempered by old school bullying. I was not popular and my only saving grace was being the smartest. I liked that role, but struggled from K-12 with awkwardness and a limited social life.
I became attuned to hard work = reward. This was true in academics and sport. I never understood people with natural ability or talent. I had to work for everything. And hard work meant a medal, or promotion. Now I am learning that is not always the case. Even today, my best characteristic, at least in my opinion, is diligence and work ethic.
Interestingly, I have always been lazy in relationships.
When my BH forgave me, a certain part of me felt that it made sense. Because I have always gotten what I wanted. I begged and pleaded for R, and I had gotten it. I deserved it and had won. (These were the thoughts I had then). I was so relieved but still felt like shit. How could I be a reformed wayward in R and not always "win." It was not easy and the road to R has been tough. But sometimes I think it was too easy.
I struggle with something else now. I want a child. My BH wants us to fix our M and can live without a child. I believe that if I push enough, I could get what I want. But I don't want too. I want to learn to live with disappointment. I want to put my BH first for once. I don't want sympathy. I want him to hae what he needs.
Honestly it amazes me how everything seems to go back to FOO issues.
Ramble over. Thanks for reading. .