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918Mama posted 5/19/2014 19:48 PM

Throwing one for myself.

Just found out my job is moving groups. I will no longer be reporting in to the group where my EA occurred last year.

I have no desire to work in the new group I'm moving to.

And I feel so mad because now my H doesn't have to worry about any work related contact on my end. But he still works with both OW (in the same dept) and likely will for the duration of his career.

H has been great. And supportive. Which just pisses me off. Like, where was this highly evolved person before??

I told him that he won and that it's not fair. He asked me if I was six.

And then he did a really emotionally healthy thing and said "I'm just gonna give you some space to work this out. You let me know when you want to talk."


I know I should be thrilled over his support and the way he's dealing with this. And the fact he hasn't outwardly gloated once. I just want to cry. Not because I want to stay where I'm at but because I feel like I'm just always in the one down position with how everything shakes out.

And I have to suck it up and be the grown up now, which is what I've had to do my whole freaking life.

I know I'm whining. I don't even know what I want so how can I articulate what I need??

And I know it's stupid to be upset about this but I just hate that he really is probably always going to work there and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. And now he gets to worry less. And says to me "I trust you!"

Must be nice.

tired girl posted 5/19/2014 22:11 PM

So how much does it bother you that he works with the OW? Because if it really bothers you then maybe the two of you need to do something about that.

If you are moving past that aspect of it, and you need things to be even between you two, what is that about?

karmahappens posted 5/19/2014 22:25 PM

If it bothers you that he works with the ow why hasn't he gotten a different job?

I am sorry you are being forced to move yours. ..

918Mama posted 5/19/2014 22:38 PM

It's the type of work. He's in law enforcement and part of a pension system. So, to move would require starting over in his 40's. And that's IF we could find another department that would take him AND they happen to be hiring AND it's a place we want to live.

Unfortunately, it's not just as simple as finding a new job. And I think ultimately this is what it's all about. I never wanted him to be an officer. He did it anyway, without my support. We were together 10 years before he decided to do this so it was a real change from the person I knew. I absolutely knew our marriage would suffer and was fearful of the cheating aspect.

Of course all my worst fears came true. Doesn't help that he told me recently one of the reasons he cheated is because he had opportunity in that job that he never had before.

So...ultimately, the real issue is that I don't want him in this line of work. He's done everything he can to address my concerns and has had no contact with the ow, changed shifts, and a host of other steps to help me feel safe. But I really will never have any sort of ability to relax while he has this job. Which he plans on doing for another 15-20 years.

And what's the even steven part about? I don't know...probably feeling like I've suffered the most, I've given the most and at least I had something that kept him on his toes. Him trusting me is actually infuriating...being able to have that confidence that despite all the hell we've been through, he still gets to sleep at night knowing I do have some lines that just won't be crossed, even with the opportunity. I don't get to have that same level of comfort. Until he retires.


tired girl posted 5/19/2014 22:59 PM

He did it anyway, without my support

This is pretty big. Is he still like this? Do feel like the new M that you are trying to rebuild is a true partnership where this would not happen again?

So it sounds like it the career in general that is a trigger for you. Does it continue to be a pretty big trigger for you?

When HL changed jobs about a year and a half into our R it seemed like a really good thing for us. Where he worked was a huge trigger for me. Then he managed to have his next EA anyway, working from home. So that showed me that if they are determined to do something it will happen anywhere. The person has to change, not the circumstances so much. Could I handle him going back to work where he did for 18 yrs where he had so many bad boundaries, I would like to think so. But maybe not.

Do you feel that because he says he trusts you already that he wasn't hurt by what you did as deeply? Is that a measuring stick for you?

918Mama posted 5/19/2014 23:15 PM

Not like that anymore, at all!! It is the job that's the trigger, without a doubt.

Without question, it could happen anywhere. And he's probably safer where he's at because his chain if command all know what happened, people know me, everything is monitored, etc.

But there is a ton of freedom in the job and things that I would have no way of validating. Plus it's a good ole boys club and they absolutely cover for each other. Part of the taking a bullet for each other I guess. And yes, that's painting with a broad brush and no I don't think he would get what I mean.

It's not just a job. It's a lifestyle and a community. In which, many people know our business and I hate that too. It's very incestual. I hate, hate, hate it.

So here we are. Love him, tolerate his job.

And yes. I hate that he doesn't hurt as bad. Because all of the "why's" for why he allowed himself to cheat lead back to FOO, CSA, poor coping mechanisms, depression, etc. things that had nothing to do with me but I'm the one he hurt the most.

I wanted him to hurt in return but it never came close. And now he's moved passes my indiscretion like it was a momentary lapse in sanity.

Like he never has to worry about me being with someone else because why would I want anyone but him??

I mean, of course he never says any of that. And will tell me he doesn't feel that way at all once he reads this. And then he will say a bunch of other really healthy shit.

It's all a bit maddening for me.

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