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I may have become unstuck.

As you know it has been a while (cough).

I am reeling with the realisation that if I am indeed R'ing with this man then I must have decided that either he is an asshat or an idiot, but that that is ok for me.

Do you know what I mean?

If I'm to believe that he doesn't remember...doesn't know why...it happened only once (!)...he is not a liar.

Then either he is an idiot or I am.

Alternatively if he has done all these things and refuses to tell the truth, acknowledge his culpability and work on himself then he is just an asshole/hat. That he did it all as a choice.

So, my intelligent, hard-working, caring handsome hero is in fact only one of two things: asshole or idiot.

Why in the world would I want to be with either? Why am I trying so hard?

Totally floored. Thoughts please...cannot be in R while thinking like this!

Thanks for your time today
xxx

Are we married to the same man???

Seriously, I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. The only thing I can offer is that you have to ultimately decide what you can and cannot accept from him. Maybe he truly can't remember, but then you have to decide if you can live with that. Maybe he is lying, but how do you prove it? You usually can't, so you have to decide if you can move on from it.

Please don't ever bring yourself down to his level with adjectives best described for WS. You are trying to muddle through this mess with your sanity intact. No easy feat!!!

(((Truly)))

I'm sorry, friend, but you're married to an asshole. If he's still spewing the "I can't remember" horseshit, then it isn't real reconciliation. If he finds it so easy to keep lying about that, you really need to question whether he's stopped screwing around.

Wow..that's SO odd.

A cheater claiming he can't remember anything about the past, that he only had sex with the OW ONE time, and that he just doesn't know the reasons for any of it.

Golly gosh and gee whiz - who could have ever seen THAT coming?

Well Truly, if you strap his ass into a polygraph chair that might just jog his oh so terrible memory.

My wife's doing the same thing, claiming she can't remember the last time she contacted the other man, and I had seen the conversation dated 7 days ago. Yeah, I'll believe that...

(((Raven))) I only hope that our physical distance prevents us being married to the same man; although that means that there is more than one!! I'm so bloody sorry you have one too x

Pass: I am very afraid you're right. He is a deflecting, blame-shifting, gas-lighting, rug sweeper. It's not conducive to R. He cannot be open an honest about anything. And when he tries it inevitably becomes my fault.
Can't change him, huh? Accept or move on...wish I'd had an opportunity to shock and awe his arse!

Neveragain: If I could strap him to a chair I would! Not sure today if I would ask questions or just walk away and leave him there!...more temptation!

Idontknowwhy: I am so sorry that you get this too... it's all just bullshit. If I could go back four years I would walk out so hard, far and fast he wouldn't see my dust. Sadly, we had worse problems at the time (hard to believe, I know!) so I was complicit in the rug sweeping at that time. I also hadn't found SI so a very well done to you! And ((((((hugs)))))

Struggling with my next steps. I don't believe he has cheated in at least a year and a half. But, with no work done, how long will that last?

And I'm sorry, but I often feel like a fool these days.

So, my intelligent, hard-working, caring handsome hero is in fact only one of two things: asshole or idiot.

(((((Truly))))), lots of men can be intelligent, hard working, caring, and handsome, but they can also be liars, unfaithful, addicted, egotistical bastards too. I'm NOT saying that your fella is, just saying that being intelligent, hard working, caring and handsome are not mutually exclusive to being a low life scum sucking rat bastard. Sometimes the biggest assholes come in the nicest looking and nicest charismatic packages.

As for a hero, well, that depends on what you mean by hero. Is he a firefighter or a police officer, who puts his life on the line for others every day? Did he give a kidney to someone in need, just because he was a best match and that person would die without the kidney? Did he throw himself in the path of an oncoming vehicle, pushing a child or someone out of the path of certain injury or death? Those are heroes to me. Individual definitions of "hero" vary, of course.

From your profile:

WH admits ¨Yes.¨ to the question of infidelity but offers no further information and will not answer any questions.

Hon, if you have still not gotten any info, and the most convenient pablum he is trying to spoon feed you is that he doesn't remember or he refuses to answer, that's awful!

This sich doesn't sound like he is fully invested in R. R is hard if you're doing it right.

Why are you trying so hard? That's a question only you can answer. Maybe it's because you have hope, and hope springs eternal until it's dead and beaten into the ground, stomped on, pooped on, and lit on fire.