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New info, 180, still trying to R...

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sunvalley posted 5/19/2014 21:47 PM

Ugh, Ive been pulling a bit of a 180 at my house this weekend. Thank goodness IC and MC are both this week. 10m since Dday and 8m since the end of TTs. Finally starting to really feel like Ive processed a lot of emotions and feeling stronger. And then an ex of his gets mentioned....I cant even remember how it came up, but it did. I got upset over something said about having coffee with her (in the past) knowing she had sent him pics of herself and would have gladly participated in an A Im sure. She has been a presence since we met but always out of town and never someone he dated or wanted to....just a childhood friend he hooked up with once prior to meeting me and who was obsessed with him.

At the start I took pity on her, she was quite depressed and suicidal even, so I allowed H to talk to her online. They never saw each other and lost contact alot....then fb appeared and she was back. Only this time sending him naked pics because she was miserable at home, so I said no more and we moved along. This was all prior to his As and they have been Nc ever since because I had enough of her pursuing him and acting sweet to me then sending him the pics or message about how she felt they were meant to be etc.

Well after our discussion about how he should have never offered to consider coffee with her after she had sent him the pics, he tries to defend himself by saying "nothing would have happened with, or anyone we knew". Ok fine I know he chose older strangers to have As with and so I do believe that part however then he follows it up with..."she offered for me to come visit her in 2008 to hook up and I declined"....and this is just coming out now??? So Im on day 2 of the 180. I know this isnt a TT in the sense that he didnt do anything and its not another A (I knew about the pics and her past attempts to tell him her feelings etc). I know there is no chance anything ever happened...she lives far away and cant just leave to come here as her H works out of the country and she has kids....but UGH why is this coming out now? He says he totally forgot until I brought up the coffee thing, but as I reminded him when is he last time someone offered to hook up with me and I didnt mention it to you?

I just feel defeated right now but surprisingly strong and ok. Just disappointed that yet again h allowed himself to keep this from me for so long, even if nothing happened.

His mistake (and mine since I encouraged the frienship after her first attempt) was to not go NC after her first attempt to be inappropriate. I thought we handled it together when we dealt with the pics. But knowing now that she offered to sleep with him and he never told me, especially now that we are in R over As...I feel this should have come up. He feels he forgot all about it til I mentioned her but it worries me how much else did he forget over time. I feel a bit like Im over reacting, because it is possible he totally forgot and I do know that pre D day he was not thinking in healthy appropriate ways. R has been going well and I dont feel he i one of these people who are dragging out the TTs or doesnt get it. He has been very remorseful. I am confident nothing happened....geographically but also because she has chased him for 20yrs and if she got any piece of him she would fight for the whole package. I just dont want to feel like there are always going to be more details coming out because he forgot them. I have PTSD so this has sent me in a bit of a backwards spiral for R. Any suggestions? I do believe he forgot. I do believe nothing happened. But Im upset it is just coming out now. Ineed some perspective.

peoplepleaser posted 5/19/2014 22:58 PM

Oh, I would feel the same way. I'm waiting for this kind of TT to start coming up myself. Yes, since nothing happened it's not the same kind of TT, but IMHO it's part if the pattern of behavior that threatened the relationship to begin with. Those kinds of things are shared in a healthy relationship, not avoided. It's still a lie of omission. Sure, it's possible he forgot, but it's an important aspect of your relationship prior to DDay that needs discussed and resolved.

I think I would question over reacting too, but since it's not me right now I can honestly say that I don't think you are. He's proved to you that he is capable of lying. Any transgression not shared with you will appropriately arouse suspicion. While it's plausible that nothing happened, and it's great that he told you on his own about her advance, there's still the question of trust and healthy boundaries. It's an opportunity to grow and learn. If he's going to minimize your feelings and thoughts around this that opportunity will go unrealized.

My advice, not yet being there, is to self soothe and reapproach it calmly with him as a teammate to address your feelings and identify the core issue, which is not about what he did or didn't do with this person, but his justification for not disclosing the information to you at the time. You might want to encourage him to explore all other possible transgressions to reveal them sooner rather than later, as well.

Hugs to you.

sunvalley posted 5/19/2014 23:25 PM

thank you peoplepleaser. Yes, I definitely agree about the 'mindset' at the time. The thing is though, I am now fairly aware what his mindset at the time was and so this omission doesn't surprise me in the least, the fact that it was omitted upsets me more...if that makes any sense. I am less bothered to find out she did this (I had already seen several desperate attempts by her to gain his attention, so it was no surprise) than I am that he was still 'withholding' it from me even if it was just worries me that this life he was living before with blurred boundaries could continue to rear it's ugly head at us, even if he's remorseful now...I know there were years prior to Dday that weren't necessarily infidelity but behaviors that I believe led up to the As as his validation/ego issues got worse (keeping old gfs around as ego boosts, developing new female friendships for ego, porn collections etc - those things he knew weren't cheating, but they developed a pattern that allowed him to IMO).

His mindset back then was selfish and ego boosting. He liked that he got that kind of attention, even if he didn't respond to it. He didn't tell me because then it would stop...that's the man he was back then, and I know that now in hindsight. I am confident he wouldn't have As with people we knew...older strangers he'd never get attached to is how he rationalized that he was protecting his 'real world'. He may not have told me back then as well because he is very protective of his old friends...ones from childhood...he doesn't want to give any of them up, because he felt he had few and far between. He knew if he told me this it might be the final straw where I made him chose to end the friendship...he would have been right. I didn't put my foot down about her until DDay, that was my error. It should have happened after the naked photos, but because he went NC with her after that I didn't worry about it or pursue it. I didn't know she had also made offers with the photos...if I had, I would have told him to block her and send NC or whatever at that time, not 3yrs later (we quietly removed her from FB, phone nos have changed, etc).

Anyways point being from reading your reply and writing my own comments now I think I'm just more upset that there was so much to his life back then that I didn't know about and disagree with... His perspectives, his boundaries, etc. All things we've discussed in full already, but then a new thing comes up and it's like 'oh look, you handled that wrong too'. I guess maybe I'm overreacting a bit in that sense, but it's so disheartening to see how many ways he disrespected me back then.

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