thank you peoplepleaser. Yes, I definitely agree about the 'mindset' at the time. The thing is though, I am now fairly aware what his mindset at the time was and so this omission doesn't surprise me in the least, the fact that it was omitted upsets me more...if that makes any sense. I am less bothered to find out she did this (I had already seen several desperate attempts by her to gain his attention, so it was no surprise) than I am that he was still 'withholding' it from me even if it was just forgotten...it worries me that this life he was living before with blurred boundaries could continue to rear it's ugly head at us, even if he's remorseful now...I know there were years prior to Dday that weren't necessarily infidelity but behaviors that I believe led up to the As as his validation/ego issues got worse (keeping old gfs around as ego boosts, developing new female friendships for ego, porn collections etc - those things he knew weren't cheating, but they developed a pattern that allowed him to IMO).
His mindset back then was selfish and ego boosting. He liked that he got that kind of attention, even if he didn't respond to it. He didn't tell me because then it would stop...that's the man he was back then, and I know that now in hindsight. I am confident he wouldn't have As with people we knew...older strangers he'd never get attached to is how he rationalized that he was protecting his 'real world'. He may not have told me back then as well because he is very protective of his old friends...ones from childhood...he doesn't want to give any of them up, because he felt he had few and far between. He knew if he told me this it might be the final straw where I made him chose to end the friendship...he would have been right. I didn't put my foot down about her until DDay, that was my error. It should have happened after the naked photos, but because he went NC with her after that I didn't worry about it or pursue it. I didn't know she had also made offers with the photos...if I had, I would have told him to block her and send NC or whatever at that time, not 3yrs later (we quietly removed her from FB, phone nos have changed, etc).
Anyways point being from reading your reply and writing my own comments now I think I'm just more upset that there was so much to his life back then that I didn't know about and disagree with... His perspectives, his boundaries, etc. All things we've discussed in full already, but then a new thing comes up and it's like 'oh look, you handled that wrong too'. I guess maybe I'm overreacting a bit in that sense, but it's so disheartening to see how many ways he disrespected me back then.