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Preparing for Mediation - Need Strength

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Acer0112 posted 5/19/2014 21:55 PM

WH and I were discussing items for mediation scheduled for later this week, we were at the house together today - identified some big sticking points - and man - I'm so afraid of giving in - he is one strong fighter and debater, which I never had as skills for in my back pocket. I guess why I have lost a lot of self confidence over the years, I voice my opinion, but it usually gets shot down - and finances are not my thing.

I plan on having L look over after we draw up papers - I just want this to be fair - and he is already showing signs of stubbornness (saying I'm not paying for that because I don't benefit, it's only fair to do 50/50, I'm offering you this, don't be stupid to not take it...that refers to doing Legal Separation vs. Divorce for health benefits reasons). I hope this mediator we are paying for is a good one to shine some light on my ideas so we can compromise.

norabird posted 5/19/2014 22:52 PM


I also hope this mediator is a good one. If not, please please lawyer up rather than letting him set the agenda here.

You can get through this, but do your research and build up your strength.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/19/2014 22:53 PM

What type of mediation are you doing? Is it just custody, just financial, or both?

Know what your bottom-line is going in to the mediation and STICK to it. In my custody mediation, stbx wanted Sunday overnights to be counted as a weekend night. I told him NO and it was non-negotiable, and if he was going to insist on including Sunday nights as a *weekend* visitation that we would have to take it to the judge.

You don't have to walk out of mediation with an agreement. You don't have to *give* on issues that are non-negotiable to you. Mediation is a process, not a one-off.

Stop listening to your stbx and his ramblings about how *he* thinks it should work. Your pat phrase going into mediation is "sorry, that won't work for me". The more times he calls you *stupid* increases the chances of your divorce ending up before a judge.....

Acer0112 posted 5/19/2014 23:06 PM

It is all the paperwork - so financial and custody - I think I have all the information to deal with - have done some research on what is common to put in a decree - but as you all know - every case is unique.

Your pat phrase going into mediation is "sorry, that won't work for me".

When I say this - I know he is going to boil. I know in the end, I want to be fair, I don't want revenge or to put him under. I want to feel safe - and I sure wish we weren't doing this - which makes me mad. I will ask for reimbursement or partial reimbursement of the expenses like hotels, flights and activities he would not have otherwise done on business trips for the past 6 months .

[This message edited by Acer0112 at 11:09 PM, May 19th (Monday)]

one2ndchance posted 5/19/2014 23:26 PM

I'm offering you this, don't be stupid to not take it

This really burns me. How dare he speak to you like that. This ass sounds so entitled and full of himself.

After what he's done to you and his children, you'd think there would be some feelings of guilt and desire to make restitution for destroying your life. Instead he acts like an arrogant ass wipe.

I understand you wanting to be fair, but how fair was he sneaking around behind your back screwing around with the ow? Please consider your long term financial future. That means you need enough money to live, raise your children, and save for your retirement years.

Once he starts his new life with the ow, his attentions will be completely on her and you will be looked on as a he has to pay.

gonnabe has it right with that pat answer. Too bad if it makes him boil. Doesn't it make you boil that he's been lying and cheating on you? Don't let him intimidate you. This selfish, dishonest cheater owes you.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/19/2014 23:32 PM

When I say this - I know he is going to boil

Yep. He will. Because you aren't *knuckling under*. But, so what?

Don't go into mediation expecting the mediator to be *your* advocate. The mediator is a neutral party. If you agree to it, then the mediator HAS to type it into the agreement (even if she thinks you are a TOTAL moron for acquiescing).

Get legal advice from your L before going in to mediation. Know what is *fair* and do NOT settle for anything that is less than that. Know what your bottom-line is for all the issues and do NOT go below that unless there is some sort of recompense in another area.

And ABSOLUTELY have your L look at any agreement that you reach BEFORE you sign it. YOU also need to look at the agreement for a few days in succession to play out *how* the agreement will look in real life.

If you're going to try to recoup *affair* money, expect a push-back from him. Strap on the most awesome pair of bitch boots that you own.....and also look at the amount of money that you are *quibbling* about. Going to court (to the mat, per se) isn't advisable if the *affair* money is chump change. However, if it's a sizable amount then it may be worth it for you to dig in your heels. Talk to your L (pre-mediation) about this.

brokeninfl posted 5/20/2014 08:58 AM

I don’t know if you can do it this way - but for my mediation, we were actually in two different rooms, with the mediator going back and forth between us. That helped me - as my ex sounds a lot like yours (and I am horrible in a conflict). It really helped take the pressure off for me, because I felt like I could take my time, think about things, not have to "argue" but could make counter offers.

And, after all that, we still walked out without an agreement the first day. You don't have to do this all in one day - you don't have agree to anything you don't want to - you don't have to make any decisions you don't want to. Don't feel like you have. We had worked out a lot, but then at the end there were some, admittedly small issues he wanted concessions on, and I was just done giving. We ended up finishing the agreement about a week later - with no more concessions from me.

Go into it with you bare minimums defined. The things you absolutely won’t give over. Remember this is a negotiation - if there are things you know he wants, that you are willing to give over, use them as a bargaining chip. I do think a lot of mediators try and keep it to one issue at a time, but I found it valuable to “cross” issues, as I knew what his hot-button items were, and could use that to my advantage.
As a seriously conflict avoidant person, my 11 hour mediation was one of the hardest days of my life. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom more than once, but in the end we got a “good” agreement in place.
Good luck!!

twinkie posted 5/20/2014 19:10 PM

Let your lawyer guide you through the mediation process. The main thing is that you do not want to seem like you are being unreasonable. In most states the judge gets a report from the mediator. you do not have to leave the session with a plan in hand. Heck in my case we had a mediator that had mediated over 700 cases. The only one that could not be settled was you guessed it.... twinkies and dumdum's.

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