During the meeting I felt the need to help her. I wrote down this website and a book that she should read on a piece of paper. At the end of the meeting I handed it to her and told her she could do what she would like with it, but that she was not alone, even though I am on the other side of the fence.
It hit me hard after I was done talking to her, that I just don't get it. If I got it, I would know how to comfort her because I would use what worked well comforting BBF. But I just don't get it. I understand that he is hurting and that he is in so much pain. I understand that his dreams were all false and based on the manipulation that I caused. I made him believe I was someone who I was not. I shattered his heart and I can not take it back. I want to get it. Right now I'm know I'm just going through the motions but I just don't get it.
Please someone share if you felt this way. How long before you got it? I want to help him heal. I just feel like if I'm constantly working on myself I'll never get it and that I'm just neglecting how he feels. Please hit me with 2x4s.
I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!
After the meeting I went home to tell him about her. We talked, and I told him how I just don't get it. That is was hard for me to empathize with her. I told him that I gave her this website and told her about the After the Affair book. He reminded me that we all progress at different pace, but it's so hard to see how much he has learned from this, when I still feel like my head is barely above water.
So I guess what I am trying to say is if I was truly remorseful and truly got it, I can understand not only him who I have betrayed, but other betrayed spouses.
Removed analogy so not to hurt any ones feeling or to come off as cruel. Not my intentions at all.
[This message edited by LostSamurai at 6:08 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
Stay on course. If you mentally have to do the right things before you emotionally yearn to that is okay for a period of time. Healing is not always linear. Good Luck
You felt humiliated, helpless and dirty, by what WW did to you? That's valid and understandable, so why not just draw from your own actual, relevant, painful experience? Throwing in the rape analogy seems intentionally spiteful and cruel. No offense.
[This message edited by plainsong at 2:54 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
I get it about not getting it. For me, I went through two years of knowing I should get how much my BH hurt, while knowing that I wasn't in fact getting it. I could feel bad for how bad he was hurting, but I didn't understand why having the wife he trusted share what had been special between us with someone else would bother him so much. I eventually figured out that I couldn't understand what he had lost because I had built such a wall around my heart that I didn't know for me how it felt to feel close and safe and loved. I heard him say he loved me but I didn't take it in. It was at that point that I started to "get" what a profound loss he had experienced with my cheating.
I got through those two years of knowing I was not feeling what I should by committing to myself to keep that as my goal, by working on myself in IC and MC, and by being totally open with my therapist so that she could keep me accountable. Sometimes I needed to think about what my BH was feeling more, and sometimes I needed to dig deeper into my whys, and I couldn't tell by myself which one was needed at any given time. And I did what my husband asked me to do, which was to show my remorse in actions. My numbness may have been worse than many people's because I have a dissociative disorder diagnosis, but I believe "not getting it" and numbness are on a continuum and can happen with anyone, whatever their "diagnosis".
With intention, accountability, persistence, digging, courage to recognize and feel my feelings, and actions, I believe it is possible for me (or anyone) to emerge from the fake world where I have to defend myself all the time into the real world where my husband loves me and I love him.
(edited for format)
Healing is not always linear.
I eventually figured out that I couldn't understand what he had lost because I had built such a wall around my heart that I didn't know for me how it felt to feel close and safe and loved. I heard him say he loved me but I didn't take it in.
Thank you both again!
I think, like anything in life, you just can't really know unless you've experienced it. I don't at all "get it", as far as what my WH is going through. I can try to empathize, but I won't ever truly understand.
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
You have a PM.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.