I've noticed we are drifting apart. It's been happening for a while now. I don't want it to happen, I want us to stay together which is what just about everyone is on here for. But every time I don't word something right. Or I slip up and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or pick a fight over anything or at the wrong time. It makes it easier for her to want to say goodbye. It shows in everything we do.
It feels like we are just going through the motions. We both know we love each other. She says I'm a good person. I just can't keep my head on straight to make her happy. I know I'll never be who she wanted from the beginning (someone who's never lied or cheated on her) but I can be that man from now until I die. I WANT to be that man.
What I'm doing is being afraid of rejection. I want to always throw my arms around her and tell her I love her so much. But if it's not being met with the same thing in return but a sad face and dead arms. I tend to get hurt. And while I can deal with the rejection because it's not just about me it's about her emotions and her hurt. But sometimes she doesn't want anything from me. And being over a year from Dday I think I'm smart enough when I know nothing I say will make her feel better and nothing I can do physically will sooth her.
Remember just now when I said "I think" that's just it I'm not thinking. I need to show her every day that "I'M HERE AND I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!" I need to stop buckling and giving up. That if I'm out of my second wind I need to take another breath and get my third wind, ect.
Today during lunch we were on the phone and I was upset, And she knew it. then flash forward to the end of the day. I call her and I'm happy and can't wait to see her and that puts me in a good mood. But because that change in attitude, It seems as though something happened at work to put me in a good mood and red flags are through out all over the place for her. And while I was and always am on my best behavior at work she doesn't see it that way. So my "plan" to come home and wrap my arms around her and give her all the kisses I missed during the day is foiled by another reminder that she can't trust me. And this saddens me as I watch It eat her alive as she puts on a smile for the kids. and even put me in a state of "well if I wasn't here and I was gone she wouldn't feel this way any longer" and it seems like we turn into roommates.
anyone have any ideas of how to turn this around?
(p.s.) I'll probably be editing this later. I'm ranting and tired and wanted to ask for help.