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The Drift

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nogoodap1 posted 5/19/2014 22:19 PM

I've noticed we are drifting apart. It's been happening for a while now. I don't want it to happen, I want us to stay together which is what just about everyone is on here for. But every time I don't word something right. Or I slip up and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or pick a fight over anything or at the wrong time. It makes it easier for her to want to say goodbye. It shows in everything we do.

It feels like we are just going through the motions. We both know we love each other. She says I'm a good person. I just can't keep my head on straight to make her happy. I know I'll never be who she wanted from the beginning (someone who's never lied or cheated on her) but I can be that man from now until I die. I WANT to be that man.

What I'm doing is being afraid of rejection. I want to always throw my arms around her and tell her I love her so much. But if it's not being met with the same thing in return but a sad face and dead arms. I tend to get hurt. And while I can deal with the rejection because it's not just about me it's about her emotions and her hurt. But sometimes she doesn't want anything from me. And being over a year from Dday I think I'm smart enough when I know nothing I say will make her feel better and nothing I can do physically will sooth her.

Remember just now when I said "I think" that's just it I'm not thinking. I need to show her every day that "I'M HERE AND I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!" I need to stop buckling and giving up. That if I'm out of my second wind I need to take another breath and get my third wind, ect.

Today during lunch we were on the phone and I was upset, And she knew it. then flash forward to the end of the day. I call her and I'm happy and can't wait to see her and that puts me in a good mood. But because that change in attitude, It seems as though something happened at work to put me in a good mood and red flags are through out all over the place for her. And while I was and always am on my best behavior at work she doesn't see it that way. So my "plan" to come home and wrap my arms around her and give her all the kisses I missed during the day is foiled by another reminder that she can't trust me. And this saddens me as I watch It eat her alive as she puts on a smile for the kids. and even put me in a state of "well if I wasn't here and I was gone she wouldn't feel this way any longer" and it seems like we turn into roommates.

anyone have any ideas of how to turn this around?

(p.s.) I'll probably be editing this later. I'm ranting and tired and wanted to ask for help.

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/20/2014 08:51 AM

BS here. Hmmmmm... You seem to need reciprocity in order to feel safe to express yourself. This to me is you focusing on an outcome rather then helping her heal. I know sometimes my WH will hug me, say he loves me and he is met with sad eyes, limp arms and an air of disbelief. But that doesn't mean the act of him putting himself out there and trying doesn't touch me, even if it's when I'm feeling more positive a week later. I know it must be hard for him to continuously say I love you, and to only have heard it back 3 times in almost 5 months. But the moment he stops or starts getting upset at my not saying it back, that's when the movement towards each other stops and I start taking steps away. Why? Because he would be being selfish, he doesn't get to make all these decisions that led to destroying my/our world and then get upset that I can't show him affection when he needs it. Start making your gestures of affection and love unconditional on her response, step toward her, keep her tethered with the love you show her without expectation. Make her feel safe with you, knowing she can stay true to how she is feeling and you will/can shoulder that burden no matter what you are feeling. I hope my perspective helps in some way!

harrypotter posted 5/20/2014 15:24 PM


I think I know how you feel, to me you seem frustrated and angry. If that's true there are a hundred reasons for that and all of them are a direct result and go along with being a wayward. For me there is a lot of resentment with myself for causing all of this and that's probably understating it. It's hard to work harder on your relationship then you ever have before and get little to nothing back (it seems but not really). And before you may have been more selfish and took things for granted and got much more. Obviously that's before the infidelity and obviously that changes things. If you are like me you probably beat yourself up for feeling so selfish and needy, I do anyway. We still wanna be loved and feel love especially now when we don't love ourselves very much. I think Romantic Innocence really nailed what we need to strive to do as much as we can and why. I think if you read what she says and reflect on it you may be able to draw some inspiration and strength from it. I am not trying to be preachy and if I am coming off that way my apologies, but that way of thinking, feeling and reacting is showing to me real love. It's hard as humans to not expect things or not get love in return. I guess I just want you to know I think I understand and have been were you are coming from and sometimes there is nothing more to do then to except that today you lost the battle a little, take a breath, focus and reflect on who you wanna be and why and try again. I hope this helps.

nogoodap1 posted 5/21/2014 06:30 AM

Thank you both for responding

I think I find it hard because I've always been a POS in all my relationships and didn't always do the right things. So while I can sit here and say "this ex was crazy as the day is long" or "that ex is a bitch" while looking at their decisions they may have been a direct result of how I was living in those relationships.

So here I am I was a POS in this relationship and I fucked up royally and really hurt my GF. I'm completely overhauling who I am and changing my thought process. And I can finally stand to see the man in the mirror. While the scars of who I am will forever haunt me and guide me through life and push me to do the right thing. It's hard giving this relationship everything I have. (Something I've never done) to watch it a falling apart and seeing the woman I love more than anything slowly close the door on me and us when I know things will get better.

I just hope things will get better.

Remone posted 5/21/2014 08:31 AM

You have to stop looking at it like "I messed up again". Instead look at it like "ok, here's another opportunity for me to learn how to help her feel safe". When you react the first way she feels scared to share with you. When you do it the second way she will feel encouraged to continue sharing. In doing this you will truly learn how to support her, you will both feel closer, and those sad eyes and limp arms will fade. It's so hard to do sometimes, but put that ego away. This isn't about who is right and who is wrong, it's about helping your wife who is scared shitless feel safe.


5454real posted 5/21/2014 08:40 AM

BH here,
I find this;

I just can't keep my head on straight to make her happy.

a little concerning. Is this a statement she made or something you are feeling?

nogoodap1 posted 5/22/2014 08:11 AM

I have noticed that everything is a learning experience and if I'm not paying attention I will mess up what I've learned. It's just hard to let my stubbornness go and open up and take the high road instead of fight my way when there's not fighting needed.

It's something I'm saying not her. I mess up and let my idiot ego take over and say or do something that hurts her. And not even the biggest shovel can get me out of what I dig for myself. Some how I manage to stay afloat till I mess up again. (I'm not cheating or anything of the sort. Just through life in general) I need to let go of my old self completely.

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