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Newest Member: beaker98 (61489)

User Topic: how do you know if reconciliation is right for you?
♀ 43340
Member # 43340
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This past april I found out my fiancÚ had a girlfriend for about 5-6 months. He pursued her and became distant from me. I expressed my concerns to him when I noticed the was talking to her a lot online and he brushed me off all the while claiming he was trying when I tried to talk to him about our relationship. Yet he was putting forth all his romantic efforts with the other women. After I found out and confronted him he claimed he wanted to try to fix things with me. Then he would keep talking about her wondering how she was and eventually said he loved her. I was devastated. She was angry with him because she did not know about me (but I spoke with her and we sorted out the truth together) He tried to talk to her to figure out what his feelings for her really were and he claims to have had some sort of epiphany and realized he still wanted to be with me. We had been together for 10 years.

I am finding it hard to move past things. The only things I can seem to feel these days are neutral and deep sadness. Even when we are out having a good time, trying to reconnect, I can't help but feel like I should not be happy. like this is not the time to be happy. Or like I am waiting for the ground to fall from under me again. Part of me wants to trust him. He is trying and is telling me everything, as far as I know. But I can't help but feel like...What IF I am missing something or he is hiding something?
I don't think I could handle the feelings of abandonment again.
How do you trust? How can we be happy again?

I am at a point were I don't know what I want anymore.
How do you know if reconciliation is the right path for you?

BS: 28
WS: 27
Together 9 years, engaged for 1 year
D-Day April 17 2014
6 months after he proposed to me he was pursuing a younger girl he met at school. It would have become a PA if I had not found out when I did. such bull.

Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a post in the healing library about R and what needs to happen. When I JFO I forgave and thought I was in R. I would read other posts about couples in R and I felt that we were doing most of it but not all of it. The missing piece was my WBF's thinking and my readiness to walk away.

He then told me the real story and THEN I thought we were in R. But still something was missing. He had been rug sweeping and wanting to get over it, move past it, think positive. And I was going along with it and struggling.

So now he realises that it wasn't working and now we have started MC and talking. My anger is out and my triggers are stronger than ever (you saw my other post). If I am really in R now - and it feels different - its hard.

So I have realised that just because you both want to stay together doesn't necessarily mean you are in R.

DD#1 - Oct 13

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis

Posts: 802 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 2

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