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It was the best of times, it was the worst. of times...

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krsplat posted 5/20/2014 09:35 AM

Unless you are lying to yourself, the experience of being betrayed by your SO is hateful and horrible and hurts like hell. It is also enlightening, on the rare occasions when I am able to step back and look at the situation objectively. I see in myself such a dichotomy, extremes of feeling and thought that are far outside my normal ways of being. I canít decide if I think they are good or bad. They are justÖ fascinating.

For example, I am both weaker and stronger than I have ever been. I feel so broken and vulnerable that I have been able to accept help and comfort in ways that my pride never let me do before, because I have to in order to survive. At the same time, I am fully prepared, legally and emotionally, to kick WH out of the house if I decide thatís in my best interest. I know what I deserve and am prepared to insist on getting it. And that feels far more powerful than my accommodating self is used to being. I am BW, hear me roar!

My M is simultaneously at the worst and best that it has ever been. Itís hanging by a thread, and Iíve got scissors in my hand. Nothing is what I thought it was, and I am furious that so much of the life I loved turned out to be a lie. But we have also had more honest conversation and better sex (TMI!) than weíve had in years, are able to see each other more realistically, are clearly stating our needs and wants, and have begun to trace the death of our M back to very early events. Our relationship has been deconstructed down to its individual pieces, which we rebuild into something else, or scatter to the wind. I kind of feel like WH burned down the forest, but cleared out the underbrush so something new can grow. Whether we grow together or alone remains to be seen.

I am more hurt than I have ever been. Gutted. Crushed. Deflated. Empty. Writhing in agony some days. The one person I counted on to have my back stabbed me in it instead. Itís enough to make me never trust another human being again, and to hate the world. At the same time, some of my friends have stepped up in unexpected ways. They have checked on me, chided me, nurtured me, encouraged me, listened to me, talked to me, called me and written me some of the most beautiful words I have ever read. I know that love still exists in the world, because they are showing it to me.

It all kind of makes my head spin.

Lovedyoumore posted 5/20/2014 10:02 AM

For about 6 months after DDay there was a stress driven high. I felt incredibly sad, yet incredibly hopeful and yes, the sex was there. I felt as if my feet did not touch the ground for months as if in a drugged state, sometimes incredibly hurt and sometimes elated. I got so much done because I was into purging things, cleaning, reorganizing and trying to get some order in my life. I know it was a reaction to the internal chaos and that chaos was causing a brain high.

I crashed at about 6 months due to exhaustion and TT. I was left with the pain and anger without the highs. I am still trying to work through the second betrayal of TT after I went into R with all of my heart and soul. The resulting resentment may never allow us to completely heal.

Take care of yourself and protect yourself. I wish I had.

BdayDday posted 5/20/2014 16:54 PM

((((Krsplat)))) Sounds like you are blessed to have some wonderful people around you to help you through this horror. This whole situation sucks, no doubt about it. I feel a lot of the same emotions as you are expressing. Thanks for sharing.

Gman1 posted 5/20/2014 17:53 PM

Sometimes I feel the exact same way as you but have decided to put the past in the rear view mirror and focus on the future and only the good. I have so many blessings to be thankful for and I will focus on the positive. The A was the most horrible chapter of my life, it was simply awful. But I'm not going to allow it to define my life any longer nor be the central theme of my existence going forward.

By the way, your words are so eloquent and I love the way you express yourself!

Ostrich80 posted 5/20/2014 23:49 PM

By the way, your words are so eloquent and I love the way you express yourself

Ditto ^^^ I know your hurting but I'm envious of your courage!
I have a feeling your going to do just fine on whichever path you choose.

RightTrack posted 5/20/2014 23:53 PM

Yeah, the best and the worst! Before I start knitting WH's name into a scarf I'll take a moment to come up with some of the GOOD that's come out of it all; our marriage is better b/c he now comes home from work during daylight hours, participates in the kids' lives and sees house chores as something he should be equally responsible for. I don't think I could go back to the lazy good for nothing he used to be.

The worst? My self-esteem, my respect for him, my feeling that I was special to him. I feel like I've died a thousand deaths.

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