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Is the A a dealbreaker?

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Ivyivy posted 5/20/2014 10:10 AM

Prior to this experience, I was not someone who thought that an affair would necessarily be a dealbreaker. Now that I am a BS, I cannot seem to get past the dealbreaker aspect of it. Even when things are going well, the memory of it manages to taint everything. So my question today (which is hypothetical because it does not reflect my WS's actions) is, if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?

nekonamida posted 5/20/2014 10:13 AM

if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?

I don't think a BS is being irrational if A is a dealbreaker even if WS does everything right. Only you can know if it's a dealbreaker or not. There are many posters here who tried to R but ultimately decided they couldn't do it. Think very hard about it and make the choice that right FOR YOU no matter what your WS is doing.

No12turn2 posted 5/20/2014 10:14 AM

This depends on the situation and the BS. I think most are capable of forgiveness and moving on with or without the WS. A simple word or detail that was discovered can change everything. No two situations are alike. Everyone's "hell" is unique to them.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/20/2014 10:14 AM

It was a deal breaker for me. There's no law that says you have to reconcile with a cheater - whether they're doing all the 'right' things after D Day or not. Hell, if they'd been doing the 'right things' the first time around, none of us would be here.

Reconciliation is a gift you give your cheating spouse.

I'm a cheap-ass and chose not to gift my ex with it.

ThrownAwayTwice posted 5/20/2014 11:17 AM

When I was younger, any form of infidelity was a deal breaker. I also didn't believe in marriage, because they fail so often and hurt so many people when they fail. When I got married it was because I found someone I could forgive for anything. Someone, I thought, worth the years of work to make it work. I decided there were no deal breakers. So if he came back and was willing to do the work to fix it, so would I. (As long as I haven't already moved on, which I am working on.)

Pass posted 5/20/2014 11:51 AM

There's no law that says you have to reconcile with a cheater - whether they're doing all the 'right' things after D Day or not

There's also no law that says a decision to reconcile has to last for life. I made my decision to reconcile THREE DAYS after DDay. That's just crazy. I had no idea what I was saying yes to, and was just acting out of fear. It was three months after that when I decided that I was the only one working on our marriage.

But even if she HAD been doing what she was supposed to, who the hell cares? She changed her mind about our wedding vows, so I'm allowed to change my mind about reconciliation. I would have no problem with that.

Breezy150 posted 5/20/2014 12:03 PM

This topic is something I always watch when it comes up. I don't think a BS owes WS anything. Even if they do everything right and have all the remorse in the world, if BS realizes they just can't get past the A, and they are going to carry resentment and hold it over WS head forever. That is no kind of M to have. I think R is a promise to try, that is all, it could still be a deal breaker in the end. WSs should know that when they decide to to have an A so I don't feel bad for them either.

Lonelygirl10 posted 5/20/2014 12:24 PM

I think the decision to leave a WS can be a very rational one. If the BS is in tune with their feelings, they could know that they don't have the ability to truly forgive and move past it. In that case, I think it's in the best interests of both the BS and the WS for the marriage to end.

brokendancer7 posted 5/20/2014 13:09 PM

I struggle with this a lot. I was able to get over fWH's first PA, as well as his online/phone sex A, but am struggling with the last PA. I can look back and see that he didn't get it before, even though we did lots of MC. He is doing IC this time and really seems to be starting to understand the parts of his personality that have caused him to live the way he has. But I'm still having trouble. My IC says I don't owe him anything. He can be doing everything right, but I still have the choice to leave the marriage.

I will be feeling pretty good about our chances of R, then I'll see something like this -

"God didn't give you the strength to get back on your feet so that you could run back to the same thing that knocked you down."

- and it makes me (even though I'm not extremely religious) go "hmmm". I've managed this before! This time just keeps feeling deal breaker-y.

sadcountryboy posted 5/20/2014 14:11 PM

Being that we are still young and have no kids and not a lot on the line financially. Yes. It was a deal breaker for me.

Merlin posted 5/20/2014 14:23 PM

So much is shattered when infidelity happens in a marriage. It's hard to tell how you'll react and decide until you face it.

I never got the chance to decide. My ex-w, responding to me asking her to give up OM and work on our marriage and family was met with a simple 'I can't do that right now'. I filed later that day.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/20/2014 14:34 PM

I wrote down in D/S yesterday that I don't think anyone, not even God, expects a BS to stay with a WS. God's 2 reasons for divorce, abuse and infidelity.

I guess divorce used to be frowned upon in culture? But I don't think the norm is that you have to put up with it anymore.. As an example, Hillary has stayed with Bill, but would anyone have blamed her for leaving?

I actually find myself cheering when I hear of a celebrity who dumps a cheating spouse.. No matter how sorry he/she was..

For me, I want to be Cinderella, and Prince Charming never cheated on Cinderella. There was no more "Happily Ever After" for me.. Soooo, dealbreaker..

BlueChoo posted 5/20/2014 14:43 PM

I struggle with this every day. I feel like it should be a dealbreaker, but can't bring myself to end things because of our kids. One day I feel like I need to give it more time, and the next day I think, how can I possibly stay with someone who would do this to me? How can I ever get over the damage he has done enough to ever trust him again? Then I am back to maybe we can put things back together and be a family again. I am hoping to get clarity through IC, which I just started. He has said he will do IC too, but nothing has happened yet.

SadieMae posted 5/20/2014 15:25 PM

I'm just a little over 2 months from D-day. Should I stay or should he go is something I come to regularly in the broken record cycle that is my brain. He knew infidelity was the one thing I couldn't handle. He knew my family history with infidelity. That didn't stop him from making the choices he made. He has to understand that I'm going to have a hard time forgiving the unforgivable and accepting the unacceptable. If he can't hack it while I figure out what I need, tough for him. I try to tell him that I don't know which way is up, let alone what the future is going to bring. I'm trying to R, but it's so hard, and I'm filled with so much anger and pain.

Ivyivy posted 5/20/2014 15:47 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am far enough out (10 months) that I find it quite difficult to understand why I cannot even answer this question for myself.

Hope2B posted 5/20/2014 16:27 PM

So my question today (which is hypothetical because it does not reflect my WS's actions) is, if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?

Sometimes it IS a deal breaker. There is nothing irrational about it. We feel what we feel, and we choose what to do about those feelings.

FWIW, I decided to NOT do anything definitive about the marriage for at least one year, to make no big decisions for that year, and to continue with IC and MC.

stunnedin12 posted 5/20/2014 16:33 PM

Only you will know and it might take time to know.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I don't think wh affair is(was or could be) the deal breaker. It's the lying afterwards that is sticking in my brain.

mchercheur posted 5/20/2014 16:44 PM

It really is a deal breaker for me. When my first WH cheated on me (10 year marriage, no kids) it ended the marriage.
This time,with WH #2, I felt that I wasn't making the decision just for myself----it would have far reaching effects of the lives of our 4 kids.

I decided to stay for the kids. But once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate.

We are 3 years out now, 3 1/2 more to go.

Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a cheater?
WH has a lot more work to do in order for me to stay when our last child leaves the nest.
If I were making the decision today, I don't think I would stay.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 5:39 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/20/2014 17:32 PM

I had thought an affair would be a deal breaker, he knew it too. I have struggled with this and been afraid that my not following through this time will give him permission to do it again.

I do however feel that for the BS the state of the marriage before dday has a lot to do with if they stay. Plus how the WS acts after dday. I think there are a lot of variables that make each situation unique. Our councillor believes we have a good chance at making it because of what she says is our capabilities of emotional maturity and the love we have for one another. (WH has always said he was happy in our marriage and believes he had no intention of leaving it) I can't stay for my son, I've been the child in that situation and it is really quite devastating, I have to stay for me. In saying that he only has one shot at it and then it really would be a deal breaker!

Merida posted 5/20/2014 17:43 PM

I absolutely struggle with this

If there were no children involved absolutely adultery is a dealbreaker... thou shall not in my book so the marriage is dead

Now I do not see myself growing old with my H as when I first married him in 1997

For me, if/when confirmation of an OC(why won't she agree to get the dang DNA test?) on top of his FOO issues and I have one hell of a climb to reach true and lasting R

right now I believe we are worth it, but I am not one to throw pearls after swine... so only time will tell for me as I am only 4 months in and so very much riding the roller coaster

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