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Thought I was done with this shit!

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Pass posted 5/20/2014 14:51 PM

I was talking to The Princess about some parenting stuff the other day. We were agreeing about what needs to be done about some issues, she was being reasonable, and it was almost nice. It reminded me of what I always thought our marriage was, and made me miss it.

That same day, a friend showed me some of his wedding pictures.

Fuck! I don't want her back, but it just makes the hurt appear again. I was at a coffee shop today and saw a beautiful young mother there with her kids. I had gotten to the point of enjoying seeing these little scenes, but now I'm back to thinking that I wonder when she'll decide to break her husband's heart. I know that all wives aren't nasty sluts like mine, but these thoughts are overriding everything else again.

I got out of this hole once before, and I know I can do it again, but it's just so frustrating: Everywhere I look I either see women who I think have cheated, or women who I think will cheat. It's like I've lost faith in a whole gender.

And I hate that shit. The cheaters are in the minority. I don't want to let The Princess turn me into that. Time to climb back up on that horse.

I hope this post isn't insulting, y'all. I'm trying to get past my own stupidity on this.

brokeninfl posted 5/20/2014 15:07 PM

No, I think most of us feel/felt this way at one time or another.

I'm generally not bitter - don't look at all guys as potental WS - but this weekend I was at a wedding and one of the married groomsmen (who didn't bring his wife) was hitting on every women in sight. It was triggering me big time.

Then, when I said something to another groomsman (who I know as a casual friend) his comment was "Yeah he's really workin' it" with a chuckle.

I almost hit him. I couldn't even enjoy the reception. It was obvious this is something he does - and everyone was so excepting of it

It's really been a setback for me, because some of the people dismising it were people I would have never thought would have tolerated that kind of behavior. Now I'm looking at everyone with jaded eyes again.

Even my best friend who has been there through the whole A and aftermath with me was kind of joking about it. If i'd had my own car, I would have left.

I haven't felt like this in years. I feel like everyone is either a cheater or at least passivly accepting of it....and that makes me so mad. (it's actaully why I'm back on SI after a long absence)

Gemini71 posted 5/20/2014 15:48 PM

Just had IC today and talked about this very thing. I really hate the dips on the roller coaster, especially now that there are actually good days.

Rather than think that all Men are Cheating POSs, I just suspect that love is a mutual delusion. I don't want to be deluded ever again. I have my kids. I'm working on a new career. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Why would I want to mess up my life with some idiot when I'm still getting rid of the last one?

Pass posted 5/20/2014 15:56 PM

Why would I want to mess up my life with some idiot when I'm still getting rid of the last one?

Ha! I guess I'm more optimistic than I thought, since I have a date tomorrow night. I made this date before this latest dip in the rollercoaster though. Maybe I should save some money and call it off?

Admittedly, I was probably pretty fucked up before I met The Princess, but I still have pretty major resentment about her additions to the pile. At least I trusted women back then!

Pass posted 5/20/2014 15:59 PM

Or maybe I should start the date with a disclaimer: "By the way, I'm quite convinced that you're going to use, abuse, and ditch me, so don't get too attached."

nowiknow23 posted 5/20/2014 16:01 PM

Pass - look at it as a chance to get to know someone who happens to be a female. Don't cancel it, and DON'T use that opening line.

slicerboy posted 5/20/2014 16:01 PM

Ooh I've been that person. I hated how every person I saw was a potential cheater or being cheated on.

Not sure when I snapped out of that phase, but I did.

Pass posted 5/20/2014 16:07 PM

Solid dating advice from NIK! Some of us just need practical advice.

emptiness2014 posted 5/20/2014 16:32 PM


I feel the same way about men....except I wonder if they are all secretly gay. :$

It sucks and its very hard to see happy families etc without it hurting.

Makes me think the only man I could ever date is someone who has been in this position because they know the pain and hurt.

PurpleRose posted 5/20/2014 17:16 PM

You are not the only one with this way of thinking. My SO is a BS also, thank goodness, because he understands when I feel nutty.

I was absolutely convinced that he lied to me about something, and even had to get some proof ( not from him) in order to convince myself that he really is an honest man.

And he is. He was truthful, I was so twisted up that I made myself a crazy person for a whole day. A whole day wasted on that shitty line of thinking!

the Dooosh fucked everything up and makes me second guess people sometimes. I hate that, but I know there are honest men out there... As there are honest women. I am not a cheater, have no desire to cheat ever, and know plenty of others like me.

Go. Enjoy your date. And come up with a better, less offensive opener please.

Kajem posted 5/20/2014 17:39 PM

Makes me think the only man I could ever date is someone who has been in this position because they know the pain and hurt.

No guarantees that they won't cheat either. XSO was a BS in his marriage. He cheated in our relationship. Broken is broken he didn't do much more than rugsweep his marriage issues under the rug. Make sure as a BS that he is working on himself.


Ps have a nice time. Pass

[This message edited by Kajem at 5:40 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

StillLivin posted 5/20/2014 20:02 PM

I'm in the same boat as kajem. My STBX was a BS in his last M. What she did to him almost broke him.
Then I found out that she was his mistress in his first M. The same OW he left his first wife for. Sure wish I had known all this before my DD. Hell wish I had known before I M him.
But this phase will pass. Unfortunately there really are a lot of cheaters but not every man or woman is a cheater.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 8:02 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 5/20/2014 20:37 PM

As a woman, I just want to say (though I know you know this): hey, we are not all nasty sluts! I personally am a very nice slut.

All kidding aside, there are good people out there who deserve to be trusted and who know themselves well and try to act with integrity. Male and female. I would hate if someone assumed I had any of the same behavior or character traits as my ex, even if they never told me. Don't think the worst of people, it only hurts you both.

Pass posted 5/20/2014 23:25 PM

hey, we are not all nasty sluts! I personally am a very nice slut

Thanks. Between y'all, and a couple of my friends out here in meatspace, I've been talked off the ledge.

Like I said, I was pretty fucked up before even meeting The Princess, but I can't imagine ever forgiving her for turning me into a bitter person with trust issues. (I know ... I can't forgive her because I'm bitter ... because I can't forgive her. I'm working on it!)

Of course I'll go on the date. Help me pick an opening line:

- You won't spend 17 years cheating on me, will you?

- Define fidelity.

- You're married for 17.5 years and your best friend invites you to a threesome with her boyfriend, who is married to someone else. What do you do?

- Your husband says he's willing to reconcile after you rip his heart out, but you have no intention of fulfilling any of the conditions he has laid out for reconciliation. What do you tell him?

- Define monogamy.

- Your boyfriend proposes to you, but you want to flirt with, and fuck, every man you meet. What is your answer?

- Do you use the terms "sketchy", "fringe people", or "riff-raff"?

- Do you treat people who love you like shit?

- Will you answer this question honestly?

Did I miss any?

[This message edited by Pass at 11:32 PM, May 20th, 2014 (Tuesday)]

h0peless posted 5/20/2014 23:27 PM

I think you had her at hello.

norabird posted 5/21/2014 08:56 AM

See if you can go through the date without taking the conversation into a too-intense place (define monogamy ); if you can't, step back from dating until it's possible for you to set your baggage aide for it. But hopefully it will be a nice evening of getting to know someone new and being at least slightly open to trusting again. It does leave you open to hurt but hey, you can handle that.

Pass posted 5/21/2014 16:09 PM

I have been texting with the young lady in question, and I've gotta say, she comes across as very charming and nice.

Of course, most do via text. I'm sure if I were in the early days of texting with The Princess (shudder), she would be able to convince me she isn't a lying, cheating sack of misery.

I guess the most important thing is to remember that I'm not desperate. I don't have to marry the next woman to come along - as a matter of fact, I almost definitely won't! Right?

nowiknow23 posted 5/21/2014 16:14 PM

I don't have to marry the next woman to come along - as a matter of fact, I almost definitely won't! Right?
If you do, we'll throw you a 2x4 party.

Pass posted 5/21/2014 20:58 PM

Yeah ... I'm still not ready. It was a nice date, but it just felt wrong. I don't know what'n fuck I'm doing!

PurpleRose posted 5/21/2014 21:53 PM

Pssst.. Hey Pass... None of us know what in the fuck we are doing. You are in great company there man!

It gets better, and easier, as you become more comfortable with your new life. Promise. :)

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