But I am so tired of being weak. I'm tired of my brain betraying me and not letting me be productive or be myself, at random times. This is especially worrying as I look for a new job because I worry that I'm going to bite off more than I can chew. That I'm going to have a rough week and just totally bomb things. Or worse, a rough quarter or year where I'm constantly tired and vaguely depressed and I just barely do what I need to and I don't really develop myself.
Maybe none of this makes any sense, but I just don't know what to do about these things. I won't change anything I'm doing (take care of myself as best as possible, develop my career as best as possible, be open to new ideas) because I can't think of anything better, but I just worry that it's not going to go well and I'm going to keep having these issues.
Sorry, it's so hard for you right now. I remember when I was in your spot. Try to do things that make YOU happy. That's what I did. Started working out, revamped wardrobe, redecorated, new interests in moto sports, etc. Try anything, it's worth a shot to see if it helps you.
Oh, and try to remember how effing awesome you are!!! Because you are not the broken one. Tell yourself that. Every. Day. My favorite was, I'm awesome and FTG. :) Believing in yourself is the first step to your own power. Then, everyone will see that light in you again and be attracted to that positiveness about you.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:49 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
I absolutely need (literally NEED) to keep doing the right thing with respect to sleep and exercise and I will keep that up. Hopefully that will help a huge amount. Most weeks/days aren't like this.. the worst I deal with is being sleepy all the time from staying up late and having sensitivity to weird sleep schedules.. and accompanying low-grade depression, in terms of lack of interest in things. In the past when I've fixed my sleep I've done way way better, so maybe things are better than they feel like right now..
anyway, thanks for replying.
I cannot compromise on these things. I just don't have any wiggle room. And when I accept that and do these things, I get "happier". Of course like all self-medicators (and schizophrenics too lol) when I feel "happier" it's easier to entice me to stay up late, skip a work out, eat 5 qts of ice cream and a cake (or in the case of the schizophrenic, go off my "meds" )
It's easier for me if I just accept this. So for example, I bring my lunch to work every day. And when people say "hey let's go out" I say no. It's not fun saying no, I'd like to socialize a bit, but if I can't sit in the office cafeteria eating "safe" food, then I'll wind up eating too much and then the slippery slope starts and before you know it"s 5 qts of ice cream and a cake (which I eat to self soothe the negativity).
I'm also much more upfront about my issue these days too. When I get that lunch invite, it's "no, sorry, I brought my lunch and can't deviate from my food plan or my mind will mess with me". Somehow letting go of caring that people see how messed up I am helps me do the things I need to do to not be so messed up.
You're greatly affected by your environment, taking it all in. There's something(s) in your environment that triggers these backward steps. See if you can figure out what they are and find a plan to address them.
[This message edited by cayc at 4:35 PM, May 20th, 2014 (Tuesday)]
Things that come to mind --
* When I get sick, I get really anxious if it goes past a certain point. I'm not sick, I don't think, but it's a link.
* I had a diagnostic procedure done last week that required me to be sedated with propofol. I suspected that this would be an issue with my klonopin weirdness, because of the common GABA receptor stuff, but I've researched this and it's not usually an issue... but still.. like, alcohol makes me feel like this for about four days afterwards, but since I know what's going on it doesn't bother me as much. I just avoid alcohol.
* My life is changing a lot. Stress.
* EMDR can sometimes cause random things to appear. A lot of the feelings that get released when I exercised today and yesterday were anger and frustration, which is what I felt during
* I recently started "fixing" my sleep again -- this could be big; I'm changing my schedule rapidly so I get enough sleep, and maybe that's throwing me off temporarily (I slept a LOT this weekend, also).
* Food could definitely be having an impact. Like I said, I hadn't really considered this.
* My exercise frequency decreased dramatically lately, which I've taken steps to fix.
So yeah, I'll put a LOT of emphasis on keeping things stable and see what happens. I wish I knew why I'm so sensitive to change and if it will ever get better, though. I mean, I have a possible overseas business trip coming up and I am cringing at the potential jet lag (8 hour time difference).
Anyway... I guess when I have this stuff under control I'm a pretty happy camper. I just have to acknowledge whatever it is that I need, whether it's permanent or temporary, and take it seriously, and be willing to defend it against other people.
So frustrating.
I did 25 min cardio on the 19th and the morning of the 20th, weight training on the evening of the 20th and the 22nd, and 25 min cardio today (26th). Five sessions total.
This is what my tracking tool looks like. The $5 means that I lose $5 if I derail (I've used this since beginning of 2013 for various goals, and it is very motivating and very worth the occasional charge). When I derail, the pledge then goes up to $10, then $30, then $90, etc. Biggest I've ever paid out on anything was $30. However, I can change my commitment at any time... the only catch is that it has to be a week in advance. So if I don't feel like exercising today, I'm not off the hook. But if I feel like my slope is too steep, I can make a reasoned change. Or take a vacation or cancel.
Anyway, not to sound like an ad, I just like that it works well. :)
