I sense some passivity in your tone -- what are you and your H doing to move through this? Reading? Spending time together? Counseling?
I'll be curious to see what other responses you get. I'd like to know too!
I am just so beaten down emotionally and cannot trust my own judgment on anything. It's almost like I'm paralyzed and can't take the step. One of these days I expect I'll just up and do it without thinking about it. Until then, I'm a frickin' confused mass of tears and hurt anger. I hate him on most days!!!
I stayed because he did the work. He never blamed me for the A. He blamed me for many things about our marriage some true, some was him blameshifting. But he never blamed me for making the choice to commit infidelity.
I stayed because we started to connect again. We started to find some enjoyment in each other again and in life again. We started to have those hard conversations, and we started to open up to each other again. We started to have a relationship again.
I stayed because when he f-ed up, and he ROYALLY f-ed up three times, he dug deeper and harder, to try to get to the root causes of why. I almost left at these points saw the lawyer at one point. But eventually I decided to stay because he worked even harder.
I stayed because ultimately, we fell back in love with each other, warts and all. I stay because we work hard, every day, to keep that love alive. I stay because I have no desire to go. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
We are now 17 months out. Trust is re-building. We are now looking more closely at FOO issues for both of us.
Did I ask myself if I still loved him 3-4 months out? Of course! I was packing my bags at 6 months and again at 9 months. It is a very confusing time. But he walked the talk. He still does. It is like he is gaining strength in the new man he is becoming. This is why I stay. Hopefully your H continues to be the man. He needs to keep demonstrating. Looking inward. Building the trust. Actions must meet words. Always. Turn the volume down. What do you see?
I would not even consider moving on with him at this point, let alone someone new.
The problem is me.
Nope. Not at all. This soon after D-Day, confusion is normal.
I can't look at him the same way I used to.
Right. That's changed forever. You see him more clearly now, though, and that's good.
I feel as though I no longer love him because of what he had done. Will this feeling ever go away?
I can't predict the future; neither can you. What you should conclude from your reading on SI is that some of us R successfully, which means the love and the M come back, and some of us D, which means the M doesn't come back.
My big point here is that you're probably still in shock, and you don't yet know what you want to do. If you wait a while, resolve some of the feelings of grief, anger, and fear, heal a bit, you'll probably figure out what you want. Have faith in yourself.
Don't we deserve to look at someone else in the eyes and know that they didn't do such things to hurt us?
Absolutely - but that didn't happen in this relationship. There's no way to go back in time and prevent it. We are where we are ... and as you heal, you'll probably decide that's not s bad.
I know moving on with someone new has its risks. That new person can hurt you too.
Besides that, a new person may be hard to find.
Again - heal, feel your pain and let it go, have faith in yourself.
I remind myself as you do that starting over with someone new means a new set of risks and possibly rewards or possibly going down this road yet again with someone else. I feel my H has done a 180 in who he is and how he treats me (I thought our M was solid before Dday, but he has improved in so many ways), and I'm not willing to give up this new amazing person he's being just yet. It would seem unfair that I got all the suffering with him and someone else gets the 'changed man' in the end. But like you I'm guarded and less loving towards him lately. It's hard to resent someone's actions and feel loving towards them at the same time. I think once I process through all the information and continue IC/MC I will start to appreciate who he has become and fall more deeply in love with him, but for the past 3m or so I feel a lot of resent and discouraged that he did this to our life together. I would say as long as you're still confused don't make any decisions. I don't want to make any decisions based on emotions throughout my process. I feel like if I decide I want a D it will be clearer than an 'I'm confused'. I have to trust that is the case for now and I can always change my mind later...once the D word is uttered I'm not sure I'll have as many options, so I want to be confident in my decisions before I even consider that.
I would agree with the answers Sisoon gave you.
As for the reason I stayed. At the time of my husband’s affair we were in our 20th year of marriage. Woven in through those 20 years was our family.
We started off as young kids. We knew nothing about real life, paying bills, raising kids…let alone nurturing a marriage.
But we did it. Some days we did well, other days we trudged off to bed feeling defeated.
We had family vacations, road trips, girl scouts, soccer, proms, first crushes and loves with our children.
We had dates together, love and romance, fights and horrible times.
We grew close during times of struggle while other times drifted painfully apart.
This man that ripped my heart out and left me to bleed out on the floor was 25% of my family.
He was the centerpiece of so many of my memories.
I loved him.
I was unwilling to dismantle my life, take my family apart piece by piece without fighting first.
After dday we waited. I watched, bought some bitch boots, found my strength and knew I would be ok on my own.
When I understood I didn’t need him to complete my life I knew I was safe to try to rebuild our marriage and save the family we made.
I saw him struggle with his pain, guilt and remorse. Saw him trying to pick up the shattered pieces of our life and put them back together. He was open and honest when he cleared his head. Carried my pain when it was too heavy. Never once did he waiver or shift the blame from his decisions. He owned it and worked constantly to prove he was safe for me.
So that’s the long answer….
The short, simple answer.
The reason I stayed became clear the moment I knew I was safe to walk away.
I stayed because I wanted to.
today i wanted to leave to pack my things just leave him.
i know i would be ok in the end, i have an inner strength ive only just realised i had.
but something keeps me here, keeps me from leaving him.
he too is working hard on himself to find for himself why it happened.
he takes all the blame, and all the shit i throw at him when im mad.
reading your posts though had given me a glimmer of hope.
Remorse for me is the deal breaker.
if he didnt show he was sorry, take blame, be honest even if it hurts me.however small the lie is i want to know, i need details on it all to begin to heal.
if he didnt show any of this i wouldnt be here now.
everyone deserves a 2nd chance but never a 3rd xx
To love someone should not emotionally and physically hurt, and for me right now it does
Because this is not about an A..this runs much deeper psychologically.
Because I deserve so much better than this...no matter what the risks are, no matter the uncertainty, it is far riskier to stay with damaged goods.
Because months of MC have shown me how truly sick he is and I know in my heart I will NEVER be safe here.
Because I find him absolutely repulsive and have lost all respect.
Because I don't need him emotionally anymore..he is dead to me.
Because all his remorse is just a play to get a reward (R and M back) not because he really wants to fix himself.
Because I am not afraid of what the future holds without him. I don't buy the fear that I won't find somebody...frankly,I will leave that in destiny's hands.
Because my children need to understand that you cannot disrespect a woman to this extent EVER!!!
Because, in the end, I love myself more than I love him.
I stayed because I love this man, and because he has opened up, become vulnerable and faced his demons. He has made himself safe to stay with. He has become the husband that I always deserved but never had.
But bottom line is that I prefer life with him to life without him.
And, believe it or not, I never did stop loving him. And I believe in redemption.
Good luck to you. It is early days.
I still love her AND, like you, I don't feel as close to her as I once did.
I'm willing to put in the work to stay with this person because there's a lot to work with.
I have a friend whose sister-in-law cheated on his brother. My friend compared the two situations and suggested that his former in-law was worthless and well worth the divorce. He suggested to me that when it comes to my WW "there's something there."
I believe that, too. As long as she willing to help me rebuild I'm willing to stay. It doesn't mean I feel happiness yet. I don't.
After the shock wore off, I gave myself permission to take my time in deciding what I wanted to do. I want to do what is best for me and my family.
WH has not been perfect, but he did have a turning point. The day that we talked to our daughter about what was going on was a huge reality check for him. Until then, he was the typical rugsweeping WH who had his head firmly planted up his own butt. Until then, he was able to lie to himself that what he was doing in his A's had nothing to do with anything else in his life.
Since then, WH has made a major effort to fix his crap. It's been a work in progress, but he is being totally transparent, has changed jobs so he no longer works directly with OW, comforts me when I trigger, apologizes all of the time, and is totally present in our day to day lives. He has recently cut out his flirting/attention seeking behavior and now gets pissed when someone tries to cross the line.
Now, I am staying because I have hope that he can be the husband that I want and need in my life. I am always going to be wounded from this, but WH is demonstrating through his actions that he is getting his act together. Could he cheat again? Possibly, but I know that I am strong enough to handle it if he does. I can't make that decision for him. I can only decide what I do. Right now, I have decided that I will give him an opportunity to make things right by me. If he doesn't, it's on him.
"First the fall, and then the recovery from the fall, and both are the mercy of God." —Julian of Norwich