ETA: I remembered some more. He was controlling. He was manipulative. He was an asswhole. He was also a huge jerk sometimes. Meh, he had some good points too, but I'm on a roll!!!!
[This message edited by StillLivin at 3:40 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013 Divorced 11/18/2014
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
@ Gemini71: I still remember the Christmas when the only gift I got was the slippers I bought myself. WHAT. THE. HELL.
The sad clown sent me the same boxed long stemmed roses each and every year. He even sent them to me for Valentines day just before DD while he was in London fucking DDOW. I can't tell you how many anniversaries he spent 'working'.
FTG. He never did deserve me either. He knew it too.
I could go on and on..but yep not worth the waste.
- He lies. Since DDay it's got even worse,lying about things where it's obvious and pointless.
- He has no integrity. It was one of the things I loved about him, his integrity. But not only was there the A and secret debt, he 'forgot' to donate hundreds of £ that he had raised for charity, for 2-4 months, keeping it in his drawer (I suspect, dipping into it)...until I MADE him when I discovered this after DDay.
- He even cheated on his OW. He was flirting with two at the same time. He was going on dating sites, incl Adult Friend Finder and using the Skout app.
- He was crap at sex. Mainly because he was emotionally unavailable, but also because he has a thin penis and didn't know what to do with it, but also...
- He refused to do oral sex (but expected it from me ) until he got with Fat Bottomed Girl (who is sexually very experienced) and used me as a teaching aid so that he could do it on her
- He wore his pants (US translation: boxer shorts) until they rotted through at the crotch. And he always threw then on the floor and expected me to pick up the piss and crap stained things for him And expected me to keep track of whether he was getting low on underwear,rather than just telling me.
- He liked introducing his OW to me, pretending they were friends/colleagues &going to social stuff all together. I think it made him feel powerful and he had some of that 'magical' thinking about it. Reality is, he was completely disrespectful of both me and them. - He'sever wrong. Oh he says sorry, no problem,except...he NEVER means it. He admitted this in MC. He truly believes he never gets it wrong and it doesn't matter if others don't realise. He knows.
- He sees his partners as rivals to be beaten (sometimes literally, during sex) and is jealous/resentful if they are successful...but hides this and accuses them of being competitive if they are better at something than him. But he always goes for strong women...Maybe he enjoys grinding them down?
- He's passive aggressive and creates the image of a really lovely genial man who is put upon by his partners, but does it with good grace. Reality is that he undermines the relationship by subconsciously trying to provoke his partners to anger through passive resistance,refusing to make decisions,procrastination, and hiding/breaking things that are important to the partner. Then enjoys it when they get angry because they got angry and he didn't, so he must be the 'good guy'. But if they are angry around him for more than a minute or two he shuts it down by saying sorry (that he doesn't mean) and then making it clear that they are awful for still feeling angry because he said sorry....So his partners are not 'permitted' to feel what they feel.
- He talks about the need to compromise, but he only believes in win-lose. Compromise, to him, means he gets what he wants. Being unreasonable/uncompromising is when his partner won't agree with him. There are many things he doesn't care about and lets his partner have their way on...so that he can use it against them when he wants something.
- Nothing is ever his fault/responsibility
- He expects other people to pick up his problems and save him from the consequences.
- He likes playing the knight in shining armour (KISA) to women. He abuses his position of trust to try to reel women in. He's been doing this well before he met me, it's only recently that I realised the problem with this.
- He was a committed Christian preacher the entire time he was cheating. And he magically lost his faith the day I found stuff out. (my faith is still good).
- He hid debt from me from early on in our M, knowing I don't agree with debt and always tried to live within our means. I spent all of our M mostly having to buy clothes from charity shops (US translation: thrift stores) for the boys and I. He always bought new clothes & expensive suits...
- He took Fat Bottomed Girl out on our last wedding anniversary instead of me
- He racked up more debt. on a high salary, while I amon government benefits and saving up to pay my solicitor up front and have paid off £1500 of debt (that I didn't know about but was in both names). Apart from the mortgage. I'm debt free. He isn't. So much so that...
- When his mother died, the first thing he said to his BROTHER was to ask whether he was going to inherit anything
- He implies to people that it was my fault that he left and we're getting D...nothing to do with his As, then?
- When we met I was a confident, fun loving career minded successful woman (I will be again!). He ground me down and got me doubting myself and believing I couldn't do it on my own. He was wrong.
Will comeback to this and add more later. this is good for my healing!
ds5, ds7
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him
- He tried to say that he never wanted our boys It's simply NOT TRUE. He was a huge part of the decision, both times. If he had shown any hesitation I would have stayed childless, as I had always intended to be. He was the one who had wanted children. Yes, I changed my mind about children and wanted them and love them dearly, but I actually said to him beforehand that I didn't want us to start a family if he wasn't 100% behind it because I didn't want to find myself a single mum...ironic, huh? Nice rewriting of history there, hey?
- He used our ds6 to pass a message that put ds6 in a difficult position (asking me to pay him pocket money)...after I'd already told The Arse 'no' to the question in private a few times and in public (in front of the children) once.
- He puts himself, his work and his social life before seeing our children in school plays/talent shows etc. He missed ds6 parents' evening & blamed me for not booking him a slot, when he could easily have done it himself.
- He found fault with me throughout his A and used it to justify what he did. He still believes it too. The more I changed to correct his criticisms, the worse he got.
- My sister was crippled in an accident, and my dad almost died of cancer during The Arse's A. He used having to visit them to resent me & justify his A
- He tried to alienate me from BIL & SIL (who he resents, see a pattern here?).
- He always told me he was going to do [name activity here] and then got annoyed if I occasionally asked him not to for any reason, and resented me for it. I asked if I could do [name activity here] and he'd turn his nose up, looking disgusted, every time. So mostly I'd end up not doing things. He went out much more than me, spent far more than me every time. I would have to ask him for a budget, it would be very small. He would spend at least double without consulting me at all.
- He was in complete 'control' of the finances,even keeping my online banking details from me, so that he could access all our accounts and I couldn't. He wouldn't let me withdraw money myself (there was a secret overdraft) but would do it as if he was being nice to me...I trusted him and didn't realise.
- He used to 'stage' getting upset so that others would see and think I must be terrible...by deliberately going to public places to cry after I'd had a new dday...while I was crying by myself in my bedroom, trying to keep things from friends and family so that our M could survive
- He lied to me for months after DDay1 and got our first MC to collude with him...until she realised he was a passive aggressive liar. He used MC to abuse me and blame shift, compounding my pain and hurt. He was never remorseful but pretended to be until he realised I wasn't going to rugsweep and needed real change.
Thanks Stillivin, I needed to name those things.Yes, THIS is why we're getting D
[This message edited by Softcentre at 3:24 AM, May 21st, 2014 (Wednesday)]
You know what else is funny? In all that list, I FORGOT to mention his actual As.
You know what else is funny? In all that list, I FORGOT to mention his actual As
