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Am I Wrong just thoughts

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fyou143 posted 5/20/2014 16:03 PM

You know that since this whole situation and the many arguments we had after DDay 2 it was a never ending fight to let him know that I was upset with something or disagreed with what he did because of how I feel now etc.

Since this whole situation I feel like he just doesn't get why I get upset, why I disagree or have off days or even why I trigger. I have never gotten the opportunity to be able to let him know because he would throw in my face that I did this or I did that or I never cared about him or loved him or let him talk or care how he feels and what he is going through in this whole situation. Which is just unfathomable to me but you know it is so futile and exhausting to explain why I feel or do what I do only for it to be shut down by him and make me feel like this whole situation is my fault.

AM I WRONG to feel what I feel? To feel insecure, unloved, and feel like what I do doesn't matter? How i express my love to him matters because I feel like it will be thrown in the trash? Am I wrong to feel upset when he constantly plays online with Call of Duty then for him to pick up talking on the mic something he would do with her (only thru phone). Am I wrong to wonder and worry why he blows up over me asking him for something like a file that is in the computer that I need because I'm working on stuff for his business? Am I wrong? ..... Obviously I am because I always have a hidden agenda!

Today was a good day up until before lunch was over. It was good I was feeling good for quite sometime I just gave up in a lot of things. I gave up asking him what he is doing because he blows up thinking I'm wanting to see what he is up to. Which at first right after DDay yea I did and it wasn't to check up if he is messing @ it was more to check up if he was really working or wasting his day on the couch. Eventually after weeks I ended up just wanting to build the communication we had like it was before but every whats up, or every what r u doing or how r u turned to him blowing up because I was just looking to see what he was up to that he knows what I'm doing etc etc. Have I emotionally scared him to be paranoid? Am I at fault was I very obtrusive in trying to find out early on his doings that now every time I ask what r u up to he attacks?

So building that communication was pointless so I stopped I stopped FBing him, texting him, calling him I let him do it but what sucks it is just something for him to throw back at me because now it shows (in his words) how he is trying to reconnect with me but I don't make the effort. It is no winning. So today we are swamped with work from the business and we both noticed on Saturday that the dimensions on one of the projects we had was smaller so all I asked was can you please open up xxx clients folder open up the program and her file and just FB me the dimensions of the layout. He automatically started saying how he is just going to put it in dropbox so I won't bother him later on about it etc etc. He was typing this to me and usually I can emotion read but I didn't jump I just was like WTF because his answer was real ... harsh so I called him and asked him what is wrong and not upset just calmly asking (I think after 8 yrs or however many years we have i can sense something is wrong with him) he goes off saying how he is just giving me the file through drop box because he knows what I'm doing and to prevent me from later on asking for the file instead of the dimensions that I asked because he knows I'm just checking up on him.

U know I would understand if i berated him on a daily basis since 2013 but I gave up in 2013. He doesn't do it all the time where he blows up but when he does and I have no alterior motives just like a legitimate question I do feel like he does have things to hide. I feel like I may have interrupted his game play from call of duty or ... don't know.

We had words mostly his whole I know what u are doing u don't care about my feelings and how I don't let him talk because I always have to be right and how he has been wanting to talk to me but I always throw and pound his head with all this. Literally I think I am living a double life because he makes me seem like I am so horrible and make him guilty everyday. When that is the total opposite. I literally stopped and gave up trying to fix this but still being with him. I do love him we have good days but we also have bad ones ... mostly his because I have trained myself not to feel not to say nothing or let him know what is really wrong with me because sadly he will find fault in it and say I don't care about him n make me feel like this whole thing is my fault.

I know it isn't but again it is so exhausting when one party doesn't get it.... I think though I realize what if he never gets it will I hold to this resentment and anger until he does or indefinitely? And I know many will think I'm crazy but I have put my feelings and this whole situation aside to address his concerns of me not being emotionally there for him or cuddly etc etc so maybe just maybe he can see that I did my part and he can do his now.... what if he will never see even if I give him and change me?

Am I wrong because more and more this spats make me feel I am.

Hope2B posted 5/20/2014 16:24 PM


AM I WRONG to feel what I feel?
You can't help your feelings. You can only control what you do about them.

To feel insecure, unloved, and feel like what I do doesn't matter? How i express my love to him matters because I feel like it will be thrown in the trash? Am I wrong to feel upset when he constantly plays online with Call of Duty then for him to pick up talking on the mic something he would do with her (only thru phone). Am I wrong to wonder and worry why he blows up over me asking him for something like a file that is in the computer that I need because I'm working on stuff for his business? Am I wrong? ..... Obviously I am because I always have a hidden agenda!

Are you in IC and MC???

If you haven't already, please consider doing a hard 180. The link of over to the left, inside the yellow box, under The Healing Library.
His behaviors and "blowing up at you" are negative reinforcers--he is behaving negatively so you won't do or say or expect things etc for fear of his reactions and behaviors. He is training you how to avoid doing or saying things because "woe is you" if you do, he will react in a negative way by blowing up at you or whatever.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 4:25 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

Truly posted 5/20/2014 16:35 PM

Sorry fyou ((((((((hugs)))))))

I get this EXACTLY, I have no advice because right now I am floundering. I feel the way you do. No positives, no words of affirmation I am accused of always accusing, but that's an accusation isn't it?...sigh...

You're not wrong. Feelings are just that.

Actions are what then matter . His actions are unkind, dismissive and belittling. No-one deserves those.

I have just realised (late in the game) that he should be working to make me feel secure and loved and wanted, not me.
So, no more begging for his affection crumbs.

180 and when he offers something genuine and loving...well then you consider considering him!

Look after you first, oxygen to you first.

Kia kaha

fyou143 posted 5/20/2014 16:40 PM

I have tried to 180 but I feel it will only escalate how he is .... I know I should my inner thoughts are banging my heart with 2x4's honestly I just want to give up.

Thank you Truly I can relate to a lot you say :)

[This message edited by fyou143 at 4:41 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/20/2014 16:53 PM

Oh fyou, your husband has the victim role down pat doesn't he. He knows how to manipulate every situation so that he gets what he wants and you remain down trodden. If you are not in IC then please get into it. He is never going to fulfil his side of things, even if you became the perfect wife. Why would he need to? You hold him accountable for nothing, so why would he change his selfish ways just coz? I know you are hoping one morning that he will wake up and realise how much he loves you and want to do all of the things he should have been doing all along. But without someone to put their foot down and say that's unacceptable and here are the consequences for that behaviour he is going to remain the same. HE SHOULD BE KISSING YOUR ARSE RIGHT NOW! You should be able to ask where he is, what he's doing, who he is talking to and what he had for breakfast that morning, any time you feel unsafe, insecure etc. He should not be biting your head off for asking for a file. To me all of that is classic, I'm doing something wrong and I feel guilty so I'll project it onto the BS. My advice is to start standing up for yourself, draw the line in the sand, tell him what you expect of him and what will happen if it doesn't happen! Hugs!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/20/2014 17:28 PM

Well, he can't be mean all the time. Then he would lose you. So he's gotta be nice once in a while, but keep you in check.

These are the scariest posts for me, cause I don't know how to get through to you to see what he's doing to you and how bad he is manipulating you.

He's being abusive. He's controlling you. He's doing whatever he wants, then blameshifting and gaslighting you.

This is not love. This is fear and control.

So you get yelled at if you pay him attention, but get yelled at if you don't pay him enough attention? I hope you know you are playing a losing game. There is no winning this.

With this kind of disrespect, he is NOT remorseful, and he's going to continue disrespecting you as long as you allow him to.

You know the 180 is basically leaving him alone and doing your own thing and focusing on yourself, but you're scared to even do that?!?

There's so much advice to give, but I would start with trying to convince yourself that you deserve better. Why are starving for love from this douchebag?

What kind of husband does this to his wife? A healthy, supportive, loving husband would put down the fucking game controller and pay attention to YOUR needs. You don't even feel safe with him right now.

The fact that you are even questioning your sanity means he's manipulated you more than you even realize right now. Seriously, 180 that guy, find your bitch boots and stand up for yourself. No one should have to live like that..

I would tell you that it's not you, it's him. But now it's you again. It's up to you. He isn't pulling his weight and is treating you like crap, so what are YOU going to do about it?


Can't help myself. I have to say more.

Do you realize this is how he WANTS you to feel? That he wants you questioning your own thoughts? Maybe this is the biggest hurdle for some people is finally admitting that their spouse could do this to them.

But look what he's doing to you. He has you so off-kilter, scared of what's coming next. He doesn't want you feeling secure. He wants you nervous about what will happen next. He wants you to feel like you are crazy so that hopefully you think he's the normal one when he's treating you like crap.

You have asked for things ANY WIFE SHOULD HAVE FULL ACCESS TO.

If I get married again, my first red flag that he's cheating is going to be jerking me around when I want to know where he is or what he is doing. If he's giving me an issue letting me know those things? Something is definitely wrong..

There's no reason in a healthy marriage that a partner would have a problem with letting the other partner see their phone, their computer, where they are, etc. You are getting trouble for it even looking like you are asking that stuff? For real?!?

Honest people don't do this crap. He is up to something. He's using you and taking advantage of your love for him. Please, 180 this guy, take a step back, and figure if you really want to be with a guy like this.

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 5:40 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

Ostrich80 posted 5/21/2014 00:09 AM

So if you communicate with him, your suspicious, paranoid, checking on him, but if you don't, then your ignoring him.
He's a mindf**ker. You cannot win with these people. Eventually your just stepping all over yourself to try to get some
positive feedback and...maybe you will and maybe you won't. You never know what your going to get. Don't let him do this to you. Step back and evaluate. Pretend this is a friends situation, what would you advise her.

fyou143 posted 5/21/2014 15:55 PM

you all are right. I'm not stupid after dday one I did wake up and realize the many BS I was feed questioning a lot of WH doings and what he says since DDay. I know i was manipulated and still am and I'm not scared to but some bitch boots on .... I don't do a lot to fight back because I'm exhausted and because of my kids. It is fruitless to fight with someone who doesn't realize and you know yea I guess it is wishful thinking to hope that he will wake up and realize he was a douchbag. I know it will never happen just on its own and this past little spat opened up a hole to the canister of emotions I've been keeping tight shut. This to me usually I'd get over it by the time I get home but today I'm still reeling. I know I am I know there is just something in me that isn't right and that this is nagging me. But I came to realize what if he doesn't wake up to what he is doing and do I want to be like this forever and it made me emotionally a mess because yea i am scared to take that step and cut it off with him so he can wake up. I'm scared because I am TOO comfortable ignoring the problem just so we can be ok when I am not. I need a push and do need IC I just need to find one and see if I can afford it.

[This message edited by fyou143 at 3:56 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 5/21/2014 16:04 PM

I have tried to 180 but I feel it will only escalate how he is ....
The 180 has nothing to do with him or trying to change his behaviors. The 180 is meant to build YOUR strength and give you space to start focusing on yourself and your healing. Period.

It is fruitless to fight with someone who doesn't realize and you know yea I guess it is wishful thinking to hope that he will wake up and realize he was a douchbag.
I don't think it's a matter of him not realizing. I think he doesn't care. That sounds harsh, I know, but his actions point completely to not giving a shit about your feelings, hurt, etc. He only cares about himself and what you can do to make him comfortable and happy.

You deserve more than what he's giving you. Go find those bitch boots. You're going to need them with this guy.

jjct posted 5/21/2014 16:26 PM

Note too - the 180 has nothing in it about fighting with him. It's the opposite.
You turn your back and leave the field.

The bitch boots? They're for you - to help you walk away from abuse
(because that is what this is, you know).

And I must say, you look simply dazzling in them as well.

hardtimesinlife posted 5/21/2014 16:36 PM

He has trained you so that he doesn't get caught doing whatever it is he's doing that you wouldn't approve of.

He sent the file through dropbox so that you wouldn't have to open up the computer later to "look at the file". Then he accused you of having ulterior motives in asking just for the dimensions. How insulting.

Try telling him to stop insulting your intelligence. Tell him if you want to know what he's up to you will find out yourself, that you aren't stupid and you know he obviously has a guilty conscience. Tell him you've been ignoring all the red flags he's so blatantly flying in order to give him a chance to grow the F up and act like an adult instead of a petulant F'ing child. Tell him that you have every right to know what is going on with him based on past experience and current behavior.

Oh, I'm mad at him for you. You deserve a man who stands tall and gives you whatever you need. You deserve a man who doesn't try to intimidate you into silence just so he isn't inconvenienced. You deserve a man who can be honest with his wife, humbled that you gave him another chance and grateful that he has enough time to sit around and play video games.


hardtimesinlife posted 5/21/2014 16:38 PM

Oh, and the 180 will help you step back long enough to see his behavior for what it is: Manipulation bordering on verbal abuse.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/21/2014 18:06 PM

I know there is just something in me that isn't right

Start with: There is something in HIM that isn't right.

Then go with: The something wrong with me is that I'm tolerating this crap.

The good news is that the 180 doesn't require you to try to figure him out anymore. It's time to focus on you.

Getting out of a relationship like this is a long process. There's lots to learn, and it can seem overwhelming at first. I remember feeling like I had to have a comeback to everything he said, a defense of myself, a reason he was wrong, something I could say to get him to "get it."

But you really don't. Like jjct said, you just walk away. He really is allowed to think and say whatever he wants. But YOU don't have to listen to it or put up with that crap.

For most of the trash he spews at you, all you need to give him is crickets. The idea isn't to be mean or cruel to him, it's just to get the focus off of him and onto yourself. He will probably throw mantrums at first (YOU DARE NOT LOVE ME AND BOW TO MY EVERY WHIM?!?), but the better you are at the 180, the less you will let him affect how you feel about yourself..

And yes, YOU HAVE TO LET GO. You don't want this type of relationship anyway. LET IT GO.

Maybe it will force him to wake up? I don't know, he sounds like a selfish abusive prick if you ask me, and it would take A LOT of work and begging on his part (for a VERY long time) for me to say you could try R with him.

The biggest thing is realizing that you are NOT in R right now anyway, so there's not much left to go of. You are in currently rugsweeping/blameshifting/gaslighting. He's never going to respect you if you don't start demanding it.

Please read the 180 and start practicing it. And then when you are successfully NOT focused on "fixing" him anymore, you can focus on you, and healing yourself..

Lots of hugs to you. He's gonna be an ass no matter what the next few steps you take are. But the sooner you take taking those baby steps in the correct direction, things will overall start getting better. I promise..

ButterflyGirl posted 5/22/2014 09:52 AM

Morning fyou143. Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

My friend SBB wrote a post down in D/S and put the link to this article that floats around once in a while. It's a really good one, and I thought you could use it.


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