He's a manipulator and an abuser.
He puts his fist through a wall, throws his iPad at the other wall. He truly scared me. He has never ever put a hand on me, but it was still scary. Then he begins to berate me, He will never be good enough, nothing he does matters, i am pushing his buttons I sit there in disbelief. He said I had been distant to him all weekend.
This right here? He effectively changed the focus of your conversation from your needs going unmet to making you feel sorry for him. Suddenly instead of talking about real issues, you're scrambling to do damage control. My guess is your feelings went right out the window at this point because:
a) his punching the wall and throwing the iPad were violent gestures meant to shock you
b) his berating you tears you down, leaving you feeling as though your emotions are not valid or that you are not worthy of feeling/expressing those feelings- this is emotional abuse
c) his comments about "never being good enough" and "nothing I do matters" made you shift your focus from your feelings to his
He has unhealthy communication patterns and is a manipulator. Your post mirrors scenes from MY house, with MY exWH during almost the entire time we were married. I can SO see how this played out in my mind because I've BEEN there. Are you in MC together? Does he go to IC?
[This message edited by abbycadabby at 4:43 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
Just to give you another example of what your WS did on a different level. It just happened to me 10 minutes ago. I have been going through a rough time. I think I'm headed into a breakdown. My mom just got diagnosed with cancer and I'm angry at everything. So I have been mad today and my WS has been gone all day. We've talked here and there, he knows I am going through alot and not in the best frame of mind. I wanted to tell him something today about the As (yes, that's plural). And how they are making me feel. Instantly he starts to get defensive and says "That's it just pack my stuff you're right, this won't work". I haven't even said anything yet. Then I said that exactly "You do that alot, you don't let me say what I want to say, I just want to be heard." So he apologizes and says "ok what do you want to say". So I say "Well I wanted to tell you that..." he cuts me off says "you know what you're right, I'm never good enough. I thought things have been going good, I just don't have the energy for this anymore it's too much. Every day you want to talk about this". (ummm...truthfully, haven't talked about his As in months). So I sit quietly, defeated and say "fine, don't worry about it". To which he proceeds to hang up the phone on me. As soon as he did it, I realized, he just flipped everything on me and got away without having to answer for anything.
So...in other words...Ipad throwing, wall punching...all things a WS would rather do then to own up to their sh!t.
Don't let him win what that crap, cause then he'll know he can pull it everytime and you will relent. When he gets home wait an hour let him unwind and say "we are going to talk, do you need 5 or 15 minutes?"
Besides the outburst or talking about the affair, is it typical for your h to ignore your feelings? If it is not typical and he is remorseful, I would guess that is his shame showing. Still does not make it right.
He didn't "lay a hand on you" but he controlled, intimidated and scared you. It's simply another form of abuse, emotional versus physical.
IMO, he needs to learn new ways to communicate with you, or he needs to find someone else to enjoy his charming nature. Or, you two can always just talk about the weather.
He is being the opposite of remorseful that he had the affairs.
I hear, "Rugsweep this affair or I'm outta here."
And I would immediately hefty bag his shit.
The LAST thing you should do is internalize this and think you did something wrong. YOU are trying to get your marriage back. YOU are making more than reasonable requests. HE is being a FuckTard. He's trying to manipulate and scare you and pity him and think you need to tolerate this behavior.
One episode like that is too many. Whatever happens, make sure he knows that is NOT acceptable behavior around you. Create a boundary, and give him the consequences if he breaks it. Seriously.