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Scary night

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heartslammedshut posted 5/20/2014 16:32 PM

I have been seeing a counselor after a really bad couple of months. Things had been going pretty well and then BAM! each week its a new issue. This counselor has been extremely supportive in helping me find my voice again. One thing she had suggested was twice a week talks. They may be long they may not. I was able to say and ask what I needed to and the rest of the week I had to focus on the positives. After the first 2 talks WH expresses that they don;t seem helpful and we only end up arguing. I stand my ground and let him know there is a big difference between communicating and arguing. Last night I bring up the big fat elephant in the room He barely touches me. For the first time since we have been married he is wearing clothes to bed. He has body issues I get that. But neither him nor I look like we did 30 years ago. He had 2 other women that he told he couldn't wait to make love to, to hold to touch. As I am asking him if he has lost desire for me and seems to want to do everything to avoid touching me he goes apeshit. He puts his fist through a wall, throws his iPad at the other wall. He truly scared me. He has never ever put a hand on me, but it was still scary. Then he begins to berate me, He will never be good enough, nothing he does matters, i am pushing his buttons I sit there in disbelief. He said I had been distant to him all weekend. Yes I was, I was preoccupied. I had just spent the entire day with my mom, Friday at clinics trying to get her situated with a recent fatal diagnosis of ALS. I am so confused right now. He kept telling me to say I hated him, but I don't, That in itself makes me angry. I don't know where to turn. I am 54, work part time, and we have 30K left on this house. I honestly don't understand what made him snap like he did. He will be home from work in 10 minutes and I am a wreck. I just needed to "say" it out loud

abbycadabby posted 5/20/2014 16:40 PM

Oh honey. (((heartslammedshut)))

He's a manipulator and an abuser.

He puts his fist through a wall, throws his iPad at the other wall. He truly scared me. He has never ever put a hand on me, but it was still scary. Then he begins to berate me, He will never be good enough, nothing he does matters, i am pushing his buttons I sit there in disbelief. He said I had been distant to him all weekend.

This right here? He effectively changed the focus of your conversation from your needs going unmet to making you feel sorry for him. Suddenly instead of talking about real issues, you're scrambling to do damage control. My guess is your feelings went right out the window at this point because:

a) his punching the wall and throwing the iPad were violent gestures meant to shock you

b) his berating you tears you down, leaving you feeling as though your emotions are not valid or that you are not worthy of feeling/expressing those feelings- this is emotional abuse

c) his comments about "never being good enough" and "nothing I do matters" made you shift your focus from your feelings to his

He has unhealthy communication patterns and is a manipulator. Your post mirrors scenes from MY house, with MY exWH during almost the entire time we were married. I can SO see how this played out in my mind because I've BEEN there. Are you in MC together? Does he go to IC?

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 4:43 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

millienotboo posted 5/20/2014 18:23 PM

I just wanted to ditto what Abby said so that you completely understand that that wasn't just one persons opinion.
(In our house we just called it changing the subject)

Broken1Again posted 5/20/2014 18:38 PM

DITTO what abbycadabby just said.

Just to give you another example of what your WS did on a different level. It just happened to me 10 minutes ago. I have been going through a rough time. I think I'm headed into a breakdown. My mom just got diagnosed with cancer and I'm angry at everything. So I have been mad today and my WS has been gone all day. We've talked here and there, he knows I am going through alot and not in the best frame of mind. I wanted to tell him something today about the As (yes, that's plural). And how they are making me feel. Instantly he starts to get defensive and says "That's it just pack my stuff you're right, this won't work". I haven't even said anything yet. Then I said that exactly "You do that alot, you don't let me say what I want to say, I just want to be heard." So he apologizes and says "ok what do you want to say". So I say "Well I wanted to tell you that..." he cuts me off says "you know what you're right, I'm never good enough. I thought things have been going good, I just don't have the energy for this anymore it's too much. Every day you want to talk about this". (ummm...truthfully, haven't talked about his As in months). So I sit quietly, defeated and say "fine, don't worry about it". To which he proceeds to hang up the phone on me. As soon as he did it, I realized, he just flipped everything on me and got away without having to answer for anything. other words...Ipad throwing, wall punching...all things a WS would rather do then to own up to their sh!t.

Don't let him win what that crap, cause then he'll know he can pull it everytime and you will relent. When he gets home wait an hour let him unwind and say "we are going to talk, do you need 5 or 15 minutes?"

Pentup posted 5/20/2014 23:03 PM

That had to be scary. Abby is right on the money with her post. I have lived that my entire marriage. Now, I rarely talk about anything deeper than the weather. I have been trained well and never realized what was happening until I came here and my eyes were opened to what healthy communication looks like.

Besides the outburst or talking about the affair, is it typical for your h to ignore your feelings? If it is not typical and he is remorseful, I would guess that is his shame showing. Still does not make it right.

Ostrich80 posted 5/20/2014 23:45 PM

The only time my ws ever got violent was when I touched a nerve regarding the A..he didn't like it because he knew I was right. He threw his cell phone at me. It's a tactic to get you to stop and its scary as hell. I was shocked, scared, then pissed off like never before. I would be making an emergency appt with mc. If there's a third party, he will prob not act like that.

nomistakeaboutit posted 5/20/2014 23:55 PM

Your H has a lot of issues, starting with low self esteem.

He didn't "lay a hand on you" but he controlled, intimidated and scared you. It's simply another form of abuse, emotional versus physical.

IMO, he needs to learn new ways to communicate with you, or he needs to find someone else to enjoy his charming nature. Or, you two can always just talk about the weather.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/21/2014 01:56 AM

Those kind of reactions from a WS when a BS is trying to communicate always equal UNremorseful for me.

He is being the opposite of remorseful that he had the affairs.

I hear, "Rugsweep this affair or I'm outta here."

And I would immediately hefty bag his shit.

The LAST thing you should do is internalize this and think you did something wrong. YOU are trying to get your marriage back. YOU are making more than reasonable requests. HE is being a FuckTard. He's trying to manipulate and scare you and pity him and think you need to tolerate this behavior.

One episode like that is too many. Whatever happens, make sure he knows that is NOT acceptable behavior around you. Create a boundary, and give him the consequences if he breaks it. Seriously.

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