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Problems with sex after the A

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stunnedmullet posted 5/20/2014 18:37 PM

WH and I have had a pretty good sex life except for the last 12 months including whilst he was having the A.

We went through 6 weeks of HB when now all of a sudden he has trouble getting and sustaining an erection. I can only remember a couple of times in our 20 years where this has been a problem, once involving alcohol and the other was the one time I tried to initiate sex when he was in the midst of the PA.

He says it's because he feels guilty, and is bringing up memories of repressed CSA that he has revealed to me for the first time recently.

All I can think is that he no longer finds me sexually attractive. I weigh about 30kg's more than AP and I am older and have had 5 more children than her. Add to the fact that affair sex is always going to be more exciting than sex with someone you have been with for 20 years. How can I compete with that. My self esteem is already at its lowest it has ever been and now I feel liked don't even turn WH on anymore.

I guess I am asking if others have experienced this for reasons that WH has expressed, or could it be that she will always outdo me on this too. The thought of a marriage that isn't physical tears me apart. Sex was always a major part of our relationship and now I feel like that's just another thing she has taken from me

ladycody posted 5/20/2014 19:32 PM

I cant offer anything that really helps but want you to know you're not alone. Seems to be a combination of guilt, shame, and uncertainty on his end...but still makes me feel like he's not attracted. That leads to both of us being awkward and uncertain about how the other person percieves things...and THAT sure doesn't help anything. It becomes a circle...a cycle that we now have to work at to break and try to relax with each other. It's not easy...We've made some progress...but I'm hopeful it will get back to feeling natural someday. We're either 5 or 7 months out from dday...depending on how you look at it...and I suspect it will be a long road back to normal.

Adeahan posted 5/20/2014 21:04 PM

I would have him get checked out by his doctor, if he hasnt already, while it could very well be because of something going on in his mind, certain illness can cause it too, Heart disease, High cholesterol, High blood pressure, Diabetes, to name a few, might be a good idea to get checked out :) good luck.

stunnedmullet posted 5/21/2014 03:40 AM

He actually went today and had general blood tests as well as blood pressure monitoring for 24 hours. I think he is going tobe diagnosed with hypertension!

devasted30 posted 5/21/2014 06:50 AM

This is a problem with my WS. He had this problem while he was cheating as well. According to him, he only had full on intercourse about 4-5 times and that was with the help of Viagra. Most of the time it didn't work. Do I believe him? I think I do. But, he's lied to me so many rimes before. But going by what's happened since he's returned, yep, it's pretty believable. It's a combination of low testosterone and lower self esteem. Ain't Karma a bitch!!!

[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:51 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 5/21/2014 07:13 AM

Is he taking anti-depressants? That could do it.

Also, remembering CSA is likely to be extremely traumatic, and that could really screw up sex. It's almost definitely not lack of attraction. Rather, if it's not the CSA, it's probably related to guilt and shame over having his A, as he says.

Also, a lot of WSes claim the A sex wasn't that great. When my W described what they did and the environment they did it in, I believe her. IMO, most As are pretty sordid, and mots aps aren't sexual geniuses.

I think it takes time and experience to learn about each other's hot buttons (although that could say more about me than about anyone else). (I have only one data point, though, so I could be wrong.)

It's not you. It's him. The fact that he's doing something about it sounds good.

heartbroken2012 posted 5/21/2014 07:41 AM

My WH doesnt have problems with erections, but he NEVER wants sex, never is in the mood. EVER. So I draw myself to the same conclusion as you - I am not attractive. He is not sexually attracted to me. Its causing major issues for me as well. Not only to my self esteem, but to the level of intimacy and connection I feel for WH.

The OW was opposite tho - she is 12 years older than me, CLEARLY looks older, and if she is thinner, you cant really tell.

I feel for you. Im in a similar boat.

bionicgal posted 5/21/2014 08:23 AM

You know, I don't think you can assume the sex in the affair was all that. Most affairs aren't about sex, they are about validation and ego stroking and desperation and "the high." Weigh more, weigh less, it doesn't matter. The AP is not a beautiful person, so who cares. You husband now knows he had sex with a person of very low character. Not super sexy stuff.

My H had ED during the affair, and a few iffy spots in the month after, mainly due to guilt and performance anxiety. It cleared right up, and now our sex life honestly couldn't be better. (Well, it would be nicer if we didn't have a kid in the house, but you know what I mean.) So, it can happen. The CSA, the guilt, possible hypertension, these can all be factors.


CLRhope4her posted 5/24/2014 23:21 PM

My WH went from a man who was happy to have sex daily (sometimes multiple times a day) to never wanting it ever. Supposedly he says he realized sex isn't everything after the pain it caused. I think it's bullcrap. Course he now also says he can no longer say he loves me because he also doesn't know what love is of if he's capable of real love (since he had convinced himself he loved OW). So, no help, just a somewhat kindred soul.

wonderpets posted 5/24/2014 23:35 PM

I think more men get erections during an affair than SI would make you believe.

If it was after HB, I am guessing guilt caught up with him .

[This message edited by wonderpets at 11:36 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]

jupiter13 posted 5/25/2014 03:10 AM

Ok my bad what is CSA? I noticed that all of a sudden he is not interested in having intercourse. He don't mind anything else it is just when it comes to the act it's self. of course that leaves me sitting here with no completion or enjoyment and the frustration takes it toll after a week. I have always been HT but during my illness I wasn't interested at all. also after 2 1/2 years he spit out some new information that had not come out before and changed the whole dynamic of the affair. We are in the middle of buying a house, moving and many other very stressful things going on but still. If he was not interested at all why bother with getting his needs met in other ways with me? So I conclude it's me something wrong with me. I'm am also sure if confronted he would say otherwise and not admit to anything being wrong just stress and tired. He was never so tired before never had any problems with her just me. Really sucks when your trying to build up self-esteem and I get these thoughts that he is trying to push me out the door to my own affair. Which is not going to happen.

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