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Ailanthus posted 5/21/2014 07:37 AM

OK, to be fair, it isn't instantly.
Our divorce was final in September. We were married 12 years and he had an affair with a much younger woman in a subordinate professional position, and was not able/willing to fight for our marriage. Nor was I; getting an STD from them was a deal breaker for me. So this isn't wishing that we were still together or regretting my decision.
But he got married this past weekend, to a different woman, not the AP, and of course, I found out from mutual friends on Facebook. (I knew that they were getting married, but not when) She's pregnant and already has a child from her first marriage. In 12 years he never once wanted to have a baby with me.
He could only be alone for 8 months? What the hell? Why does he get to start all over again with a shiny new family, and I am so scared to ever try marriage again?
I just feel like I meant nothing. It killed me to see people I know, people who were at OUR wedding, and my former sisters-in-law, whom I loved and who do know the truth, posting congratulations to them. I've deactivated my account.
Is there ever a real ending? I thought that when the divorce papers came, it was over. Then when the QDRO was settled, it was really over. Now, it is also really over. And when their baby comes, it will yet again be really over.
Why would she marry a man who is 8 months out of a 12 year marriage in which he committed infidelity, gave his wife an STD, and has never gone to therapy?
I just try to pray for them; that is the only thing I can do that makes me feel a little better. I pray that they will always be honest with each other, and respectful, and kind. And that he will honor the gifts she is bringing to him.
It all just hurts.
I'm venting, I guess. If anyone else has been down this road, I would so welcome your advice and perspective. Thank you.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/21/2014 08:03 AM

My XWH walked out on us after dinner one night. Exited this life and walked into another life. He is with OW still, they just bought a 200,000 house in a neighborhood -- something I wanted but he insisted we live in the country in a little house.

I, too, can't understand why his family didn't try an intervention or something to wake him up. They also discarded me, never asking could they help, in fact they didn't even respond to my fb messages when I told them their brother was having an affair with a woman whose first husband murdered her boyfriend and then killed him self! She had set this whole thing up again with her new H and me, getting us all to be friends all the while she was screwing my h! My x mil is fb friends with OW and I suspect she helped XWS get his new home.

Some of my H friends I reached out to at that time told me I was crazy, XW would never cheat on us. Now that they know it's true, they are hanging out with them, never apologizing to my children or me for not trying to save our family.

In your case, is it possible the new wife doesn't know about your situation? I say this because my XWH told me his first wife screwed around on HIM! He said she took all his money. He took me by a house and said he built that house and then found out about the OM. I found out recently that HE screwed around on his wife, she kept very good records of their finances (I found a file when cleaning out all our old stuff when he left us) and he NEVER lived in a house the whole time he was married to her! He lived in a mobile home in a mobile home park-found out that when I pulled his credit right before he left, and verified it with a relative of his. He actually took me by a house in his hometown that he said was the house he built from the ground up!!!!!!!! OMG!

I am now 2 years out from dday, and 18 months out from the D. I still have a bad day now and then about all this, but not as often as before. My counselor told me when you feel anger about something it is usually because an injustice has been done. Yep. Everything you wrote about is an injustice, and usually 6 months after dday is when the anger starts to come out -- the shock has worn off by then and we are starting to see very clearly everything.

I think these people don't really ever have an authentic life, IMHO. You can read on this website one of the forums called I Can Relate, then look for the section on Men betrayed by their wives. You will see there are still quality men in this world who would have NEVER walked out on their wives nor cheated on them.

PhantomLimb posted 5/21/2014 08:25 AM

It's just maddening. Yesterday a friend told me via text (although I've asked her to stop doing this already several times) that X posts "weird stuff" on FB all the time... then she followed that up with "actually, none of it is weird-- it's all completely normal like nothing ever happened and he's totally happy now, which is weird because how could he not miss you?" Geez. Thanks. Glad to hear that he's had no ill effects from leaving me in the dust for OW and never really talking to me again.

Like you, mine didn't want kids-- but left me for an OW with kids. I could list a bunch of other examples-- but it's like he's a totally different person. The only thing I can do to make sense of it is to say he's obviously a very dependent person and pretty sick.

Most days, recognizing he has major mental health issues is enough for me to be grateful I'm away from him. But the legacy of having to learn to live with having been abandoned and treated this way stinks.

((hugs))

Chrysalis123 posted 5/21/2014 08:34 AM

Why would she marry a man who is 8 months out of a 12 year marriage in which he committed infidelity, gave his wife an STD, and has never gone to therapy?

Well, your ex lies. Do you think he filled her in on all the gory details?

Probably he painted you out to be a psycho and poor poor him his a total victim. She will find out soon enough she married a loser.

As for you....you have the opportunity for a new life without all that crap he dumped on you.

I know this hurts....but this too shall pass.

BtraydWife posted 5/21/2014 11:29 AM

Why would she marry a man who is 8 months out of a 12 year marriage in which he committed infidelity, gave his wife an STD, and has never gone to therapy?

Yep your ex lies, that or she's willing to accept less from her husband than you are. Meaning honesty, respect, faithfulness, etc. She may be very aware of it or it may just "happen" to her as well. I'm always suspect of people who marry quickly. They most certainly won't be having a happy and healthy life, unfortunately for the kids involved. If she holds him accountable he'll jump her ship just like he did yours. Depends on her level of dysfunction.

southsidecali posted 5/21/2014 13:46 PM

Of course they lie and they are usually pretty good at spotting other victims they can easily manipulate into their poor victim me.

Mine cannot be alone, he has to be with someone building his ego up and what not, this one happens to be that- kibbles. He will play along and unfortunately for him, she heard just a little of how screwed up he is but she LOVES him because that was the past and they are in LOVE.

They usually will pick other damaged people she actually believes that there is NO WAY will he ever do that to her because he never loved ME is the justification, their love is real and he will respect and treat her how she deserves; mind you he is broke, living on min wage(half for cs)working 33 hrs every 2 weeks..he is on verge of homelessness- their whole 3mos relationship is her always paying for when they go out, shes always at his cockroach infested place, and is now buying him clothes so he can dress better(his closet is overflowing of nice clothes he never wears) - The people they get involved with believe what they want to, you can imagine a woman settling for that?

It is hard at times but honestly, I try and take comfort in knowing that at least I got the very best of him- our kids.. For those that didn't have kids, take solace in knowing that at least for you he provided. Those that end up having him now-start off settling for half of what you leave them with...whos the lucky ones

absolut posted 5/21/2014 14:20 PM

Well, your ex lies. Do you think he filled her in on all the gory details?

Probably he painted you out to be a psycho and poor poor him his a total victim

Dontcha know, we're all totally psycho? What kind of a psychotic bitch would expect her own husband to come home after work, eat dinner together, socialize as a couple with other couples????

*clutches pearls*

I had the pleasure of finding out my ex would describe me getting angry about him leaving at 10 at night for work stuff (he had an OFFICE job) as "flying into a rage, I think she's bipolar"

He diagnosed me as so much different stuff to his various crushes and coterie I really think there needs to be some sort of new Wayward's Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. He just could not get enough attention.

Sorry for the threadjack.

Ailan,

8 months is an insanely short period of time to have a new spouse. It almost couldn't be shorter! I do not blame you at all for getting off facebook or whatever. My only advise, my best advise, if something is hurting you, put a stop to it, period. You are in a dire state right now so don't psychoanalyze your emotional needs just honor them. It's good you closed down your social networking when you realized it doesn't help. If you have a friend who blabs to you about the ex, straight to vm. Honor your own needs. Likewise, whatever helps you or soothes you, bring more of that in. Reading, crocheting, whatever. If it makes you calm than that is productive. Do not drink alcohol, whatever you do.

I have to tell you that even though I am a religious person I don't have any real thoughts about karma, or fairness, or whether the universe or God will sort it all out. I found it was best to accept that I really don't know whether good triumphs in the end. I think it does. I like to think it does. But needing to have that feeling, that he would get some sort of comeuppance, it kept me stuck. Because what if he never does? Then what? Does that mean that what he did was ok? Or that my religious beliefs are junk? And I just let it go. I don't forgive him. I just became ok with losing on that particular day, and I absolutely see him as a loss and a life mistake for me, I can't pin a bunch of flowers to it, but I became ok with having that loss as I moved on. The greatest fighters in the world still have losses on their records, and it always hurts.

DrtBoss posted 5/21/2014 14:36 PM

My WXH married a woman (not an ex-AP) exactly 10 DAYS after our divorce was finalized. We were married for 8 years, during which he had affairs with 6 other women, gave me 2 different STD's and lied like the dirty rug that he is.

I too can't understand how a woman would voluntarily jump into a marriage with a man like this and I probably never will get it. Like others have said, she probably doesn't know the full scale of the prize she's gotten herself and I truly pray that he's changed his ways.

For some reason (could it be the continued lying, no remorse and no counseling for his issues?) I am sadly confident that she will be a member of this site at some point in her future.

My advice to you and myself is to allow ourselves to feel sad for the loss of what should have been (the marriage and men that we thought we married) and to then find the relief and joy in knowing that we deserve better for ourselves and our children. We are the lucky ones!!!

idontknowwhy5 posted 5/21/2014 14:36 PM

8 months after over a decade of marriage sounds like a heck of a rebound relationship. I don't think it bodes well for the outcome.

Kajem posted 5/21/2014 16:02 PM

My XH got his marriage license the next business day. The final orders hadn't been recorded yet. They married 2 weeks later. It was 6 months after we separated. We were married 18 years and have 4 kids.

That was almost 11 years ago. He did me a favor - I was still reeling and numb from everything happening so fast, this got lumped in with everything else.

A friend once told me "he can remarry so quickly because marriage means nothing to him. To him marriage is like a toaster. If it breaks he doesn't value it so he doesn't try to fix it. He just goes out and gets a new one."

Those who value marriage will do the work to fix it and themselves if that's what the marriage needs.

The AP is willing to accept being a toaster. She's willing to accept someone who thinks nothing about jumping into marriage so quickly after a divorce. Says a lot about her self esteem.

Don't be a toaster!

Hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 4:03 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 5/21/2014 16:13 PM

I really think there needs to be some sort of new Wayward's Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy

ButterflyGirl posted 5/21/2014 16:21 PM

I just feel like I meant nothing.

That's the part of your post that makes me sad for you. And makes me want to hit you with a 2 x 4.. His behaviors are NOT a reflection of you. How he treated you doesn't say anything about who you are.

He is now somebody you used to know, but not anymore, and good riddance.

My ex and I have been divorced about a month now, but he has been with his OW for years, so I won't be surprised if they marry soon. They could be married already. But whatever. I don't give a shit. This is MY life over here, and I'm doing whatever I want with it.

Just keep working on you. Be who you want to be. You like things about yourself? What? You don't like things about yourself? What can you do to change them? Just put that fool in the rear mirror and focus on you..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 6:33 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

jjct posted 5/21/2014 16:41 PM

Hey Chrys - you forgot

*clutches pearls*

LOL!!!!!!!!! yer killin me absolut!

I know it all seems like shiny new now, with certain types, everything is just about filling endless holes within them...they have to be forever on the prowl for the new "medication" to cover what they lack inside.
It's a sad and pathetic existence.

imaf posted 5/21/2014 16:49 PM

Ailanthus,
I have unfortunately been down that road.
To cut my story short, just like you I decided to leave my ex.
After many coming and goings from my exWSO from me to OW and viceversa, he asked me to marry him. At the time I thought this is what I wanted most. I was in a mess and my mind was set on "beating the OW at the race". BUt luckily the proposal opened my eyes to realizing I did not want a marriage like that. As soon as I left he ran back to her. 3 years later they are married and have a beautiful child. Though 3 years later he still tries to contact me on apparently friendly terms (I don´t answer).
One thing I am certain of is I don't want to be with him, so why does it still hurt as hell?? Who knows...

Many questions unanswered:
- How can OW accept marrying and having a child with a cheater?
- Why does she not respect herself?
- Why did he ask me to marry him, and the next moment move in with someone else? Doesn't show much for his feelings towards either of us really....
- Why does he still call me? And if he is unsure of his relationship with her, why marry her?
- How can xWSO respect a woman who tried consistently to separate us and achieved it? And was willing to accept anything to get him?

I suppose people are very different. And I find it very hard to understand them. I would never accept any of those terms, why? there were no children or marriage to fight for.

I don't wish them any good. I can't, it hurts too much. I was made a fool for months without knowing what was going on.

With time, little by little, I have made a lot of progress. I am starting to learn that none of this matters, the answers won't be answered and that is ok. Irrational ways of acting don't have answers. Learning that he doesn't deserve me.

IT is very hard ailanthus, but with time, little by little you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And you become stronger and more convinced of your decision.

(((((((((((ailanthus)))))))))))))

Ailanthus posted 5/21/2014 18:20 PM

Oh, gosh, everyone, thank you so much for your replies. Thank you for the love and 2x4s. :) Absolut, I love what you say about everyone having a loss on our records. (and thank you for the whack, butterflygirl!) Usually, I feel good, I really do. I have a job that is meaningful, LOTS of amazing, brilliant, loving friends--they all came over last night and hung out with me, I've got yoga, and church and the prettiest dog ever and where I live is just beautiful…so there is much to be thankful for. And I would never go back to him. I would never go back to that house, the lies, the fear, none of it. I got the best deal in the divorce.
I'm a writer too, in addition to my other work, and I'm going to work on an essay about these other women--the AP and the New Wife: women whom I've never met, but who both, I imagine, know more about me than I will ever know about them. Isn't that a weird disconnect? But they really don't know me, do they--they only know what he told them. Thank you all. I am sorry yet glad that I am not the only one who has had these feelings.

tryingagain74 posted 5/21/2014 18:29 PM

I bet she's married to him because she doesn't know the truth. He fed her some sort of crap about how your marriage was dead for years; maybe he even lied and said that you were the one who didn't want kids. She's a dumb bunny who looks up to him as a daddy figure, so she isn't going to question the rushed relationship and insta-marriage. She's probably SO grateful that she has a nice man to lean on who will take care of her.

You're right to pray. You should pray for her, though. She has no idea what she's shackling herself to. I'm sorry if you wanted kids and he didn't, but believe me when I say that you are SO lucky that you don't. You get a fresh start; many of us on here will be stuck with these parasites until our children are no longer minors (and even then, they won't be completely gone unless our adult children are fully estranged from them).

I know how much it hurts. My ex married the OW one month after our D was final and even pushed to have the D date moved up so they could get married sooner. However, I have to remember how much I don't want the ex back in my life, and I am oddly grateful that the Owife in my situation has taken him off of my hands.

(((Ailanthus)))

PurpleRose posted 5/21/2014 18:34 PM

Don't be a toaster! I love that!

I actually hope the Dooosh does marry his whore. They will make each other as happy as two fucking lying dirtbag cheaters deserve to be.

Which is about as happy as I was on Dday.

cdagal posted 5/22/2014 07:05 AM

When I found out about the affair, we had a 4 month in-house separation after which I moved out of the marital home. The XH stayed there while it was for sale. The OW came from Europe 2 months after I moved out and promptly moved into the house. In Canada,we have to wait the one year before filing for divorce. Because of the time it took to sell the house, and because I wasn't willing to give him the divorce until we had settled all the financial stuff, the divorce was final 16 months after DD. 35 days later (you have to wait for 31 days in case one of the parties wants to appeal - yeah, right!), they got married.
They had known each other for all of 2 years.
They are finding out lots about each other now. They've been married 2.5 years now. He didn't do diddly squat in terms of introspection. All the traits, characteristics and eccentricities that were there before, are still there. He's miserable, she wants to go home every other week (except she wants that Canadian citizenship awfully bad!)
It may look like your XH is living the good life. Looks can be deceiving. Hang in there. The hurt will dissipate over time.

Dawn58 posted 5/22/2014 08:56 AM

My STBX has not married the OW yet because our divorce is not final, but he got engaged to her 6 1/2 months after Dday and she moved in with him, so they have been playing house. She quit her job as well, so she's completely dependent on him now. Hope it works out for her.

I know what's in store for her. I use to be really angry with her and hated her. But I know that she's just his next victim. In 5 years time, she'll be where I was a year and a half ago.

And he'll be moving on with wife number 5.

SBB posted 5/22/2014 09:14 AM

I know the only reason the sad clown hasn't remarried is because OWUmpteen won't marry him. Bitch is smarter than I was. Damn.

I find it ironic that they think starting a relationship or remarrying so soon somehow validates them given their evident disregard for both.

I'm astonished that any new partner wouldn't see big red flags but as previous posters have said they're not getting the true story. They're getting the "my X was evil incarnate" story.

Where the next relationship is an AP? Well - they know what they're getting. They just think they're "Special" as described in this article.

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

I wasn't an AP but I knew he cheated in all of his other relationships but I thought I was special. He told me how all of the problems were his Xs fault. I mean I was his wife and the mother of his children. He wouldn't do that. No way. Right?

Wrong. I am special but that was never going to stop him cheating. It is how he is built.

Another lightbulb moment came to me from this article - particularly "Romantic Infidelity".

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

He was and will always be a love addict. He was always going to cheat. No matter what I did/didn't do.

The only difference with OWUmpteen is that she may beat him to the punch. I only hope the guys aren't married.