Perhaps you can take a weekend away and then plan the longer vacay for later.
Why does she get so pissed when I try to explain why it may not happen or we need to hold off for a bit?
This sounds like she still might have some selfishness issues to work on. I can understand being disappointed that you might not be able to go when she'd like to but to turn it around and get pissed with you is manipulative bullshit. Especially if waiting means just waiting until August. Sounds a lot like a temper tantrum.
I agree that a weekend away would be nice but not until she understands that this sort of reaction is unacceptable. Don't reward her for acting like a child. I wouldn't let this pass without a conversation regarding her reaction. Once she gets it and agrees to work to better understand her feelings, then plan that weekend.
She's just using that same 'me, me, me' mentality about vacation. No big surprise.
You'll probably just have to explain to her that when scientists finally discover the center of the universe - and she's NOT it - maybe THEN she'll finally 'get' it. And maybe that will also help her realize that the vacation she wants so bad is not everyone else's first priority.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:59 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
So...maybe her reaction was, in part, based on your past interactions with these coworkers. And the coworker that you told you "loved" her. What have you done to reassure your wife that she has nothing to be concerned about?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Other then my safety at work, there are no boundary issues with the new job. 99% of my coworkers are male and to be blunt, your reply makes no sense to me.
But I see that at one point you referred to them as "old coworkers" so I guess this is no longer an issue?
And the old female coworker you were texting? Is your WW no longer concerned about her?
ETA: Or maybe I have you mixed up with another BH? Your WW didn't find a message(text or facebook) to a female coworker calling her "Pickle" and telling her you love her?
If I have you confused with someone else, my apologies.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:46 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
Thank you for getting this thread off track. I was hoping to get answers and insight into what I originally posted about. In reading all your responses from any of my post its obvious you have your mind set about me. Do me a favor and PM me and we can go into great detail about everything.
I didn't intend for this to be a threadjack. I thought you were looking for insight as to why your WW might have gotten so upset.
My thought was..maybe it's an issue with your loose boundaries at work...and her insecurities over the female coworker that caused her to become so upset...not waiting 10 days to discuss taking a vacation and making reservations. It seems she got rather upset over something minor...so perhaps there is an underlying issue that is at play here. I was simply asking if these issues, the boundaries and the female coworker, had been to put to rest to your WW's satisfaction.
But maybe you were just wanting to vent.
Sorry I misunderstood.
End of threadjack.
Do you have a history of "You're sweet, I miss you" with this other woman like you did with Pickle? Here's my whole thing with that. A nickname, no matter how silly it may seem, suggest ease, familiarity, and thus a threat. If my husband called a woman by any affectionate nickname, he wouldn't have a scrotum left.
As to the original issue. I am married to a workaholic. (He wasn't always that way.) My LL is quality time. When my husband is gone 100 hours a week and promising me "We'll go out Saturday night" only for date night to roll around and he works till 11pm, it is incredibly hurtful. And when it happens over and over and over and over, it shows me I am not important to him.
Sure he has to make a living. Sure he's the breadwinner. But he chose to get married and he chose to have children with me. Why bother with those two things if he isn't around to participate in our lives? I get probation periods and whatnot. I get all that. However, I also know life is uncertain. My husband was laid off completely unexpected on December 1st three years ago. The company was doing fabulous, they were busy. But the owner of the company was having a bipolar moment and fired everyone. Didn't matter that QS was excellent and the biggest moneymaker. He still lost his job.
Its priorities. Yes its good to work. Yes it's good to be responsible with it. But you also have a responsibility to your wife and family. If you want R, if you are working toward R, you have to meet her in the middle of the road. Could she have reacted to your news about the trip better? Sure. But how many times have you told her no in the past? How many times have you blown her off and made plans on your own and without her completely? Do you make an effort to spend time with her? Do you make it up to her when plans fall thru? My husband didn't. And I resented him for it. He said he cared. But his actions proved otherwise. I was second to the almighty dollar. Our kids were no comparison to the next big contract.
Also, my husband used work to run. Instead of dealing with life and what it threw at him, he buried himself in work. He avoided hard conversations. He hid. He withdrew. That's deadly for R.
There are many variables in this FUBAR. Its not an isolated event. Its not just one thing. You have to look at the bigger picture. Kwim?
[This message edited by Aubrie at 2:16 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
Everything I typed above is my opinion, my situation, you can take or leave it. Not trying to make waves or anything.
I think you two need to sit down, calm as you can, and go over the conversation with an eye on feelings, not facts. You need to ask her, not us, why she felt so disappointed--what did your answer make her feel? And she needs to give you the exact same courtesy. And you both need, as a ground rule, that you are neither one going to try to punish the other for feeling the way he or she does--you need to just get it out in the daylight and understand it, so it doesn't fester in the dark.
Why do I feel like I need to make her happy all the time and if I don't then I suck?
Months ago, I called out your WW for having this expectation that you're supposed to "make her happy," and as I recall she acknowledged that it's an attitude she's working to overcome.
We didn't develop these character flaws (or whatever you want to call them) overnight, and it takes a lot of time and effort to learn new habits.
How would you rate the effectiveness of your marital communication skills? Does it seem like you say one thing, and she hears something completely different? Does she sometimes interpret your words in a way that makes you go or ?
That's kinda what I'm sensing here, that you two may both be jumping to conclusions that the other didn't intend. You might want to try active listening, which can be tedious but is effective not only in dissipating potential conflict, but in understanding how your partner's communication style differs from yours.
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
She's said that work comes first with me.
If she continues, you should find 5 articles about the economy and what it is like to be homeless and live in the car and show them to her.
Then maybe she would understand how it is and why work has to come first.
Does she work?