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somethingremorse posted 5/21/2014 08:30 AM

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. I am sad.

We usually don't do anything special. Like most years, this year we have one of our kids' school concerts to go to. Usually it's just exchanging cards, or I'll send flowers.

Yesterday I found myself in the card store, crying my eyes out. I think I found an appropriate card. BW gave me a funny one, because she couldn't find a serious one that fit.

We are doing well in R. On my card, I wrote that I feel like this is the beginning of the rest of our lives together. BW said that was perfect.

Still, I am sad.

I have some fuzzy memories of the past few years. I remember times where I wouldn't put much thought into cards or presents. One Christmas in particular stands out in my mind. It was very much a "whatever" effort by me. It wasn't all the time, but it never should have happened at all. This anniversary has made me realize that I wasted all of those years. How could I behave like that? I hate that these dates came and went, and I couldn't make any effort to stop and appreciate what I had.

I am trying to look ahead. There is a lot of hope in our future. Still, I am sad today. I hope my secretary doesn't come into my office to see me crying again.

Sorry for the downer. It helps to get it out. Maybe someone feels the same, and can take solace in the fact that they are not alone.

islesguy posted 5/21/2014 10:10 AM

somethingremorse,

I feel exactly the same way. I have sat in the store reading card after card trying to find one that says how I feel about her without being disrespectful to her because of my actions from the past. Each one that I have to put down because it has something in it that I can no longer say to my wife is so depressing. I know I brought this on myself and my relationship and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for a wayward who is upset about their own choices. But it does hurt and you are not alone.

Bigger posted 5/21/2014 11:13 AM

Strange as it might sound then feeling sad is probably a positive thing…
It indicates you realize what you risked and the seriousness of your actions.

I want to make a suggestion:
Reclaim your anniversary!

Make it your special day.

Go plan something special and unique for you and your wife. Nothing to do with the kids, no other people involved. Only you two. Preferably something more unique and special than the annual Red Lobster dinner.
It really doesn’t have to be expensive, complex or hard to implement. The main thing is to do something together and to show her you took time to think, plan and implement.

Some suggestions:
Go to a spa. Get a massage side by side, sauna, Jacuzzi… and then a light lunch/dinner.
Go to the theatre. If possible take an early show and then dinner.
Go to that special French restaurant that you need to book way in advance.
Broke? Well – make some sandwiches, buy some chocolates, chill a bottle of bubbly, find a blanket and then you two have a picnic at some scenic site.

One thing I did for my wife (but I do admit it took a super-human effort….) was to go shoe shopping with her! Yep. I allowed her to drag me into 5-6 shoe shops and helped her try on 100 pairs. Then walk back and forth between two shops to decide on the final couple of pairs that she was thinking of buying. Never a word of complaint, always showing interest… My wife has mentioned that day as having been a watershed in rebuilding our relationship.
(Note – There was no infidelity in this marriage. I was a BS in a former relationship. But we had to rekindle our love after an ILYBNILWY moment.)

StillStanding1 posted 5/21/2014 11:59 AM

I am totally with Bigger on this!!!!

Reclaim this day!!!!

This is a huge opportunity for you! Do something really nice for your wife. It doesn't even have to cost a penny.

What is her love language?

Mine is not Words of Affirmation, but I realize I need those a lot in the aftermath of his A.

For Christmas this year, we agreed on no expensive gifts (we had spent a lot on C and on his apartment for a year!!!!) I told him he was not off the hook. I wanted something sentimental. Let him figure it out.

He gave me a little "treasure chest" he found and filled it with 20 scrolls (yes, we also just had our 20th anniversary) of "love notes". What he admired about me, what he appreciated, quotes that applied to our journey/struggle.... It meant the world to me. Best gift I ever got. And on the "dark" days... I can go back and read them to help get me back on a better path.

Do something way out of character... Pick up take-out, a bottle of wine, and go on a picnic. Whatever.... Just don't waste this opportunity.

Best of luck! I hope you can turn your "sad" time into "productive" time. Be creative!!!!

Trying2LoveAgain posted 5/22/2014 12:04 PM

I sincerely hope your anniversary yesterday turned out great! I think Bigger had some excellent ideas! As a BW, I would have been very happy if my H had done something special like that! I think for BS's it's not the huge, expensive things that really matter, but just the daily, little things or the out of the ordinary special things that the WS does that can make a HUGE difference when you are trying to R. Our anniversary is coming up in July and even though I'm the BS, I would like to do something like Bigger suggested, to let hubby know that I truly DO see the huge effort he has and is making to help me heal. Best of luck to you!

BrokenButTrying posted 5/22/2014 12:45 PM

Hope your anniversary went well SR.

Congratulations on 20 years!

Bigger had some great suggestions, if you weren't able to reclaim the day this year make sure you do next year.

somethingremorse posted 5/22/2014 14:37 PM

Thanks everyone for the support.