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thishurts79 posted 5/21/2014 11:52 AM

I have been separated for seven months and have three small kids. My H left us and has refused to do any counseling to work things out, help financially, etc. He says he wants a divorce but hasn't taken any steps to file and I am to the point now where I don't think he will ever change, that I can ever trust him, or ever respect him for leaving us high and dry. So I want to file now, but I am worried that my kids will resent me for being the one to file when they get older. Any advice to help them understand. I want then to know that I tried and never wanted this but didn't have a choice.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/21/2014 12:17 PM

I think they will be proud of you for standing up for yourself, and you will be setting a great example of what kind of behavior they should and should not tolerate from their future spouses..

So many people "stay for the kids." I might have too had he not been such a dick. But I realize now that's a very bad idea for people with UNremorseful spouses. Divorcing my ex was the best thing I could have done for the kids. My boys and I are happier than we have ever been, and I think I'm a better mom than I have ever been, focusing all my time and energy on them instead of some dead-end marriage with a douchebag who was obviously never taught the words "honesty" or "respect."

File that divorce girl. And get that fucker's wages garnished. He thinks he gets to leave you guys high and dry? Make him think again. My ex's wages are now garnished, PLUS he is paying me an extra $100/month for the next million years to pay off the over 12 grand in retroactive child support he owes me. Actually, the over 12 grand he owes THE CHILDREN. A-holes..

Just be as age-appropriately honest as you can. I NEVER lie to my kids. But I would recommend when explaining things to them, you also let them know that everything is going to be okay. Just be strong for them. I bet they already can see just who has their best interests in mind..

BtraydWife posted 5/21/2014 12:17 PM

Why wouldn't they be upset with him for not attempting any reconciliation?

I WISH my mother had loved herself enough to require respect from my father. And I wish she would have understood that poor people can be happy. People in a bad situation have no chance of being happy and have a high probability of developing rugsweeping skills just to survive. My life would have been better if I wouldn't have had a miserable mother. My father was a serial adulterer and an alcoholic. She did her best to put on a smile but you can't hide that kind of misery.

Why would you be the bad guy to get on with your life after he has left? You have go to believe that you and your children deserve and NEED a stable loving home filled with honesty and respect. Only with those things will safety and security be possible. These are basic human needs.

You haven't done anything wrong, you are just dealing with the crap that's been shoved onto you. Hold your head up high and do what's right for you and your kids. When they are old enough, they will understand.

suckstobeme posted 5/21/2014 12:22 PM

That's what you tell them. My kids are still young and they will on occasion ask why we got divorced. He left us and pretty much did the same as yours - moved out but never made a move to advanced the D he wanted so I had to do it. I tell my kids that we got divorced because daddy didn't want to be married to me anymore. It was his choice. I don't tell them exactly why, but my IC advised that I also not take the blame. I refuse to tell them that we grew apart or we're fighting or any other vague excuses.

The fact that you filed makes no difference whatsoever. He asked for it. He said he wanted it. He's done nothing to fix it. What else are you supposed to do? Are you supposed to teach your kids to just lay down and take whatever your spouse dishes out, no matter how cruel or hurtful? Are you supposed to teach them to stay in a relationship that is emotionally abusive no matter what? No. Teach your children to stand up for themselves, protect themselves, and do what needs to be done, no matter how hard or unpleasant.

They won't resent you for burying the marriage that he murdered.

norabird posted 5/21/2014 13:21 PM

If you file, you would be doing it to protect them, since your H is not even helping financially. Filing is the only way to get legal help in making sure they are supported.

The blame for the end of the M is not yours to bear, please remember that. Your kids will know that you were committed to the family because you are the one there day in day out. You will be showing them the importance of making the best of a bad situation and not allowing anyone else to control your life. Those are valuable lessons!

Dreamboat posted 5/21/2014 13:59 PM

They will never know that you were the one to file unless 1) you tell them (why would you do that?) 2) he tells them; 3) they go to the court house and look up the papers.

This is not something you need to worry about.

(((hugs)))

thishurts79 posted 5/21/2014 22:13 PM

Thank u all so much. I agree with everything that was said, sometimes you just need to hear from someone else's mouth. I hope that they will see that I have their best interest at heart and that they will see that I stood up for myself and them. I just hope that we can move on and heal from our hurts. Never wanted my kids to have to deal with this pain. Trying to keep moving forward and just enjoy my kiddos.

debbysbaby posted 5/21/2014 22:21 PM

I'm sorry I'm unable to give proper credit to whomever deserves it for this quote, but an SI member used to have the tagline "yes, WH, I filed for divorce, but you ended the marriage."

HeBrokeVows posted 5/21/2014 23:06 PM

I was where you are now a few months ago. Let me say this. You need to file for the sole reason of protecting you and your children financially. You have every reason to file. I was so worried what the kids would think they I realized how I wouldn't be in good health with this man back in the house. My WH had no remorse and walked out on us. Me and the kids are in a much healthier place with his negative energy in the house. Besides, my husband wanted a D but didn't have the balls to so it. Not fair to me and the kids. I never met an adult child of affairs who was mad their mom or dad filed divorce after the other spouse cheated.