My what you have destibed, your partner is she is not codependent.
My observation comes from your recounting of the dynamics in your relationship.
The dynamics you described make it appear you are the codependent one, she is the aggressor (sitter)......meaning you gather and do for her while she does her own thing. You appear to be the one to readily sacrifice and do for her.
This is where I struggle. ....several therapist have told me this is a common struggle for codependents. The struggle to understand how unhealthy I choose.
I thought I was doing the loving thing by gathering and doing without my wife even having to express or request that which I did for her. In reality, I wasn't doing for her in sacrificial loving fashion......I was denying my own self, my own needs because I would rather do that then put them out there and have my wife reject or abandon me.
Now I have learned to express my needs and desires to my wife....and to not fear her choosing to say no.
Gotten to the point now where when she says no, I actually feel quite ok!
This is a product of her A. She could not hurt or abandon me more than she already has.....and I survived!
Codependents feel as if their world will end without their spouses. It took me to actual experience the death of our M for me to have a new life. Kwim?
Your journey thus far looks like my journey.....WS slow to give up her A, you desperately trying to fix and accommodate their destructive behavior, her reluctance to IC and self introspection, your state of being right now.
I suspect you are close to feeling some very strong anger. Took me a couple of months to even feel anger....another strong trait of a codependent.
On a separate note......seems like there is reason enough to be concerned with your partner seeking other female friends for comfort now. To seek comfort from the sex you engage in intimate relations with is a flag to me. Projecting here....but if I leaned on a female friend like I do my make friends.....an improper relationship is a real possibility. I KNOW I would not be confortable AT ALL if my wife was hanging with other men and discussing her pain and struggles......that's a quick trip back to affair land.
You okay with her doing this?
As I break out of my codependent cycle I am amazed at how little tolerance I have for my old ways.
I look back and see how little I was settling for on DD....then within my M. Dreadful. It's that realization that had me thirsty for more. I think of my daughters often.....what type of relationship do I want to model for them? I was physically sick when I put them in my role in my M. So not healthy. But for decades I thought it was.....yet another way a codependent stays in their destructive rut.
Ruts are nothing more than graves with the ends kicked out.
You are up and out of that rut.
Your partners refusal to do IC? It's possible this is an action she has done in the past.....an action designed to keep you in a rut. Subconscious though it may be (she's not the devil), there is most likely a part of her that realizes what she must do to NOT change.....to get you to give up on yourself (codependent trait) so that the old relationship can resume.....sophisticated way to rug sweep.
This is why I caution you to be prepared for defensiveness and outright anger. The other side of the codependent relationship is a very independent one. "How dare you change yourself, I did not approve of that!" is a general attitude. Again, it's not as easily seen as the wife-beater t-shirt expression....but it is there.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:18 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]