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Mind has been wandering today. Most know my story but I'm hoping I can share a few thoughts that may help someone else or maybe someone can help lift me up today.

No chance of R in my situation. Ex says we had other issues before the A so she believes it would have ended anyway. Says she should have filed years ago. I can see this was an exit affair and and attempt to downgrade the A. What is does to a man is make them think they were not worthy of healing the non-A issues. Not even worthy of a chance to TRY and mend the issues. What I've come to realize is, there is always a point when you know you are done, ALWAYS. Maybe it doesn't reach up and slap you in the face like it does for the BS, but your actions and thoughts seem to prove otherwise. You took your rings off during your "activities" because you knew it was wrong. Still didn't keep you from doing it. Just made you feel less guilty.

Lies, hiding details, deleting texts, using mobile data apps to communicate instead of text, living a double life.... GEEZUS, being a WS is exhausting. No wonder you want to run from this mess and be on your own. Much easier to engage in this activity when no one is watching you. When you don't have anyone to let down. This has adverse effects on the BS because he knows what you left him for. He knows the actions will not stop and you feel like it has more to offer than a man who promised you the moon for 12 years

I see that my WW did not have the emotional courage to honor her promise. "For better or for worse". Instead our relationship was chopped up in a million pieces and over time, she allowed others to take those pieces from me. Most of this happened before I even had a clue. I've also learned a lot about myself in this process. I've fallen into holes LONG before the A. I fell into bad habits that aren't responsible for the A, but I could see where a person without emotional fortitude could see that as an excuse for the A. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

I'm going to continue to grow in a positive way. I'm going to avoid those holes in the future AND the holes you placed in my path with your infidelity. Maybe you did do me a favor. Maybe you helped me put together the pieces for a perfect relationship to come, with someone who will honor the commitment and put in the work of a successful marriage. I'm still in a place where I desperately want that person to be you, but I know it just isn't possible. Not with me anyway.

((((No1))))

She did do you a favor. You have a new lease on life. There are many times of the day where I wish my ww would've just left me and the kids. I'd have started over and wouldn't be the one to blame for breaking my family apart by divorcing her sorry ass for what she did and then my kids pay for it. She's doing the work to reconcile but shit isn't ever going to be the same between us and that sucks.

I wish you all the strength in the world man and just think about your future from here on out. There are no limitations on what you can and can't do.

Thanks man. Often wonder about the other side. They say R is a gift that WE give them. Hard to see it that way some times when they don't want to R

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 10:12 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

Sometimes I think they stay permanently foggy. Sure seems that was for my stbx, I don't think he ever dealt with what he did. I had really thought we were past it, really did, our last year has been amazing.. He spaced out a couple months ago and rewrote a bunch of shit, too bad. I have worked ALOT on myself over the last number of years, and have confidence that I have dealt with the bulk of what was mine to own.

I saw where someone else.posted something about, the ws was already planning and scheming, the bs just gets in on it at the end after the minds made up. It's not fair. Your being compared, judged, and hung without even knowing its happening. I'm so sorry but if its any conciliation, the band aid is ripped off and it hurts like a bitch but the alternative is a slow picking of the wound with TT and half ass reconciliation. It just sucks either way I guess.

I guess both sides of infidelity has the "grass is greener" mentality. I'm sure I'd feel different if I was in R. In this case we both can't help thinking about what we lost. The struggle is similar, IMO. I lost my spouse with the idea of a happy marriage still fresh in my mind. those in R have lost their happy marriage but they are still with the spouse.