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accepting myself the way I am, and still having dreams/potential

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ProbableIceCream posted 5/21/2014 15:43 PM

Feeling a little better today (see my previous threads on anxiety and weakness).

I had an epiphany today. I realized that I need to start accepting that what and who I am now is what and who I am now, and not what and who I expect to be in the future. Potential is great. Dreams are great. But I keep judging myself negatively because I'm not at my goals or because I have certain limitations. Or I try to pretend I'm someone I'm not, or I can do something I can't (yet).

I'm not talking about taking too many risks.. ironically, I take too few risks because I'm afraid of exposing my weaknesses.

So e.g., I need to accept that right now I'm overweight, even if I have a plan to not be that way in the future, and stop acting like it's this horrible thing. It's just what I am now. I need to accept that I need a fixed sleep schedule for the time being. Might or might not change in the future. I need to accept that at my current job I've done a wide variety of tasks and I've never been a 100% full time software developer. I'm getting closer to it, and I could be that some day, but the reality is that I've been in survival mode most of the time I've had my current position. That's OK. That's just where I am. I'm still smart and creative and if I take care of myself properly I'm productive.

Some of this I think came from my dad, as I'm probably realizing now that I've stirred up some of that via EMDR. He said I couldn't be sick because I wouldn't get hired if I was sick. He said I had to make a lot of money. He said I had to have a certain kind of wife and I had to have a family. And tons of other stuff that I kind of half-remember. He approves of where I am now.

I also get scared of revealing the real me, which INCLUDES the way I am now, to other people, which probably makes me more lonely. I feel uncomfortable about my limitations. I think it's time to drop the pretenses and just be myself. Of course it's ok to have boundaries and secrets and stuff, but.. I just don't want to pretend so hard any more. I want to separate the future from the present.

Maybe this has a depressed tone to it.. I'm still a little off today. But I think maybe there's some wisdom to it.

SeeingRed posted 5/21/2014 17:46 PM

I probably shouldn't even be reading/posting in new beginnings because I'm not divorced yet but I couldn't resist responding to your post because I can soooo relate.

Goal setting, which is awesome, always means to me the "better you" is lingering in the distance instead of focusing on and loving the version of you that is your current reality. Goal setting is a double edged sword because in some ways you are constantly telling yourself you aren't/won't be good enough until you accomplish x, y and z.

I don't have any advice on how to reconcile the dichotomy of the goal setting but just wanted to tell you you're heard and most definitely not alone.

ProbableIceCream posted 5/21/2014 19:05 PM

I think it's okay that there's a dichotomy. I just want to accept myself as a real human being in the present, and dial down the shame and the pretentiousness and seek the truth more.

And at the same time, allow myself to better myself, one day at a time.

SBB posted 5/22/2014 04:46 AM

This is huge, PIC. I'm very happy to read it. We are our own worst critics and it is exacerbated when you're going through the experience of infidelity/divorce.

A quote that really resonates with me:
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.― Fulton Oursler"

ProbableIceCream posted 5/22/2014 10:53 AM

Hopefully some of it will carry into a better life. It'll take me a while to really figure out how to apply it, but for today it's bringing me a lot of peace. I feel utterly calm this morning.

MovingUpward posted 5/22/2014 11:10 AM

I'm not talking about taking too many risks.. ironically, I take too few risks because I'm afraid of exposing my weaknesses.

Fear of our weaknesses can cause us to get stuck. The only way to get better at things are to practice. For me, I was limited by the fear of what others said about me. I didn't try things because I didn't want to be embarrassed. Ironically embarrassment is an emotion that I chose maybe subconsciously. My best example is to follow. So I'm over 6' tall and overweight. I can't hide and I was an awful dancer. I would be so focused while dancing of what others were thinking and seeing that I am sure it just made things worse. I was that awful dancer that everyone snickered at while being too afraid to get out and dance themselves. Anyway I've got 2 DDs that are growing up and someday I hope there is a Daddy-Daughter dance at their weddings and I didn't want to be the klutz I was on the floor. So I got bold and started taking dance lessons and the first few lessons I was rigid and fearful, but I was starting to have fun. It's been 2 1/2 years and I keep getting better. No one remembers where I was in dancing ability and there is no limit to where I can go. On top of better dancing I've got confidence that I can do whatever I put my mind to do.

So pick something you perceive as a weakness and take a step to get better at it. You might be amaze at how it opens your world up.

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