Feeling a little better today (see my previous threads on anxiety and weakness).
I had an epiphany today. I realized that I need to start accepting that what and who I am now is what and who I am now, and not what and who I expect to be in the future. Potential is great. Dreams are great. But I keep judging myself negatively because I'm not at my goals or because I have certain limitations. Or I try to pretend I'm someone I'm not, or I can do something I can't (yet).
I'm not talking about taking too many risks.. ironically, I take too few risks because I'm afraid of exposing my weaknesses.
So e.g., I need to accept that right now I'm overweight, even if I have a plan to not be that way in the future, and stop acting like it's this horrible thing. It's just what I am now. I need to accept that I need a fixed sleep schedule for the time being. Might or might not change in the future. I need to accept that at my current job I've done a wide variety of tasks and I've never been a 100% full time software developer. I'm getting closer to it, and I could be that some day, but the reality is that I've been in survival mode most of the time I've had my current position. That's OK. That's just where I am. I'm still smart and creative and if I take care of myself properly I'm productive.
Some of this I think came from my dad, as I'm probably realizing now that I've stirred up some of that via EMDR. He said I couldn't be sick because I wouldn't get hired if I was sick. He said I had to make a lot of money. He said I had to have a certain kind of wife and I had to have a family. And tons of other stuff that I kind of half-remember. He approves of where I am now.
I also get scared of revealing the real me, which INCLUDES the way I am now, to other people, which probably makes me more lonely. I feel uncomfortable about my limitations. I think it's time to drop the pretenses and just be myself. Of course it's ok to have boundaries and secrets and stuff, but.. I just don't want to pretend so hard any more. I want to separate the future from the present.
Maybe this has a depressed tone to it.. I'm still a little off today. But I think maybe there's some wisdom to it.