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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: still wayward?
210012
♀ 42052
Member # 42052
Stop  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel strange posting in the "wayward spouse" forum. Yes I've slept with a married person, but I haven't betrayed and deceived someone I love. It is one thing to ignore potential harm to a stranger and kinda decide it isn't my problem, it is something else entirely to knowingly hurt your spouse, to look them in the eye day after day and lie about what you're thinking, feeling, planning, remembering. During the affair I drafted several emails to MM questioning how he could lie to his wife, but never sent them because I felt hypocritical to judge him while I was complicit in allowing it to happen.

I guess it bothers me because, at 3 months since I ended it by telling his wife, he still maintains that he has fond memories and doesn't regret what we did. I still work with/for him, and we're still friendly... I've asked a few times if distance would be better for his marriage, but he says no, that his wife knows and supports us continuing to work together and to socialize in groups (Btw, he isn't trapped, he could easily find an equivalent or better job elsewhere). When I questioned if it is kinda an ongoing EA, he said I was being dramatic. At the end of the day it is his damn marriage not mine, so I'm not sure what to think.

I try to treat him like other friendly coworkers or like friendly exes, but everything I read here says no friendship, in fact no contact at all. So last Friday I invited other coworkers out for dinner, but left him off the list. He found out and invited himself along... and then sat next to me, ordered some drinks, and stared at me like I was dessert. He's also been coming on group hikes and runs I organize, and he often sits next to me at lunch and walks me to my car at the end of the day.

As far as his marriage, he says he doesn't know what will happen, that his wife revealed secrets of her own that hurt worse than infidelity... he implied that his wife only married him for a green card etc- which doesn't surprise me, she is from a lower income country where arranged marriages are common, though I also know MM was enamored with her and had thought it was mutual and wouldn't have married and had kids with her if he'd known otherwise. He seeks grand romantic fantasies in relationships, so the whole thing does make pathetic sense. None of which matters as he is still married to a wife who expects monogamy, but it gives some context for what the hell he's thinking?


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Your post really triggers me. I got ANGRY reading it, and have just deleted a very long response.

First, I wouldn't believe a single word out of that man's mouth. Clearly the A isn't over for him.You've even asked and had him tell you that he does not regret his relationship with you. That man is completely stuck in WS thinking and fog. He is still pursuing you. Wake up! You have a choice to communicate even more directly with him about what is acceptable to you. Tell him to bug off, unequivocally, in writing, don't just not invite him. Also, can't you find a different job? It might be worth looking into.

As far as his marriage, he says he doesn't know what will happen, that his wife revealed secrets of her own that hurt worse than infidelity... he implied that his wife only married him for a green card etc- which doesn't surprise me, she is from a lower income country where arranged marriages are common, though I also know MM was enamored with her and had thought it was mutual and wouldn't have married and had kids with her if he'd known otherwise. He seeks grand romantic fantasies in relationships, so the whole thing does make pathetic sense. None of which matters as he is still married to a wife who expects monogamy, but it gives some context for what the hell he's thinking?

You cannot trust anything he says. He is in the fog. You know he lied to his wife. Frankly, he's been lying to you all along too. Just don't entertain any more conversation about his marriage or his wife with him any more. Don't entertain conversation with him. Also, what could possibly hurt worse than infidelity?!?! It covers pretty much everything but murder and drugs.

Yes I've slept with a married person, but I haven't betrayed and deceived someone I love. It is one thing to ignore potential harm to a stranger and kinda decide it isn't my problem

Ah, but it is your problem. You were ok being an OW. You were happy to help him destroy another person. That is the epitome of WS thinking. It makes me so sick because I know I used that type of rationalization to justify my choices to myself as well.

You do owe his BS something. You owe her the chance to live a life where you are not a part of it. Get out of her life. Stop messing around with any sort of relationship with her husband. It's common courtesy. If she doesn't want to hear from you, leave her alone. If she left that door open, you should tell her that he hasn't changed. She deserves that.

Of course this is all IMHO.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 531 | Registered: Dec 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know cheaters lie, right? To ourselves, and others? So all this business about his BW M him for a green card is likely bullshit.

You didn't overtly state what your dilemma is. What I'm sensing is that MM is sending you clear signals that he's wanting to use you for NSA sex and "romantic fantasies" again, and you're tempted. But, you're also conflicted. (Just my guess.)

This is gonna sound snarky, but please know I don't intend it that way. Why are you even considering a married guy, when there are so many single men out there?

It is one thing to ignore potential harm to a stranger and kinda decide it isn't my problem, it is something else entirely to knowingly hurt your spouse

This is intentionally snarky. Uh huh, as a single cheater you're sooo morally superior to us married ones. Keep telling yourself that.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
210012
♀ 42052
Member # 42052
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't mean to sound morally superior to anyone on the forum, but I am genuinely frustrated with MM for not acting remorseful - like, I feel as if I somehow care more about his marriage than he does, and it makes him look like an asshole that even after witnessing the hurt he's caused his wife he still doesn't regret it. If he went to minimal embarrassed contact with me and started speaking lovingly to his wife instead of ignoring her calls and drinking beer at work, at least I'd understand and respect the decision (when I first exposed the affair I'd figured the most likely outcome would be him quitting in order to go NC). I don't like feeling guilty; continuing to triangulate the right degree of distance vs. friendliness is exhausting. I've told him many times that he needs to draw the line wherever he thinks is best for his wife / marriage, and let that be the end of it... but his choices are suspect and so I keep adding more "rules" and limits, and then he pouts and blames me for rejecting him and so I feel guilty whether I'm nice to him or not.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the guy is showing not only his wife, but you, what a total douche nozzle he is.

What's preventing you from going NC (no contact) with this guy? Stop talking/being nice. You are giving mixed signals just as much as he. Don't talk to him. Shut down on him. No water cooler chats. No SMS. Nothing.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:28 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Douche nozzle? Thats a new one to me Aubrie- very colorful choice of words

You have already been given good advice from the others who have responded to you. You AP sounds very similar to my XAP......the best thing for you to do is cut out all contact that isnt related to work...and thats if you keep this job. IMHO it is better to just find a new job and cut him out of your life completely.

Whether you mean to or not you are sending mixed signals and continuing to do so may make him think he has another chance.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xOM(EA) wasn't married and he went on and on about how horrible he felt, how he was 'stealing' from another man, blah blah blah, and he was going to 'pray on it' at church.

At one point I told him we needed to stop contact and he said okay. Then in the next breath he'd say, 'Isn't your H going to be out running errands on Saturday morning? You should call me.'

My point is, he isn't any worse or better than I am, we were both fucked up. My responsibility is to myself and my family. I had to change to be able to live with myself and be a healthy person. Otherwise, what's the fucking point of anything?

He had to change to stop being a hypocrite and a manipulative guy who sweet talked a married woman. Did he? Don't know, don't care.

You do this for you. What does it take for you to be able to look in the mirror every day? Stop projecting what's in their marriage, what he's saying, what they're doing or not doing as a couple. Time for you to step off and dig into why you're okay with being that person. Or don't, and continue like this. That's on you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:23 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38965 | Registered: Sep 2007
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

210012,

The simple answer in my opinion is yes you are a wayward. You were aware that you were a 3rd party in a marital relationship. No matter what you have said or done to justify this to yourself, you were still the other woman. I guess I am trying to understand your reason for posting here? Are you looking for validation that you are not so bad because you weren't the one married? Would you be ok with some other woman thinking this way if they were involved with a man you were supposed to be exclusive or married to?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2013
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The vets here probably all agree that the OM hasn't changed at all. He's being dishonest with you and his BW.

IMO, you shouldn't care about his M. After all, he doesn't.

You have to care about yourself, and your self respect. Like an old sports injury, anything you do to your self worth is going to follow you around for a long time. To go all Casablanca on you, you are going to regret it, maybe not now, but soon and for the rest of your life.

I do think it bothers you to be in a relationship with this kind of dishonesty. You said you feel guilty. Here's what the rest of us know for certain: He is bringing you down to his level. You cannot have a healthy relationship with so much darkness in it. When you accept the lies and justifications, you take that into yourself. that little voice inside of you that tells you something is wrong? Listen to it. I wish I would have.

You already know the answer. You cannot be friends with him. You cannot interact warmly with him. You may have the best intentions, but he absolutely, completely does not. He is going to be there at every turn, waiting for you to have a weak moment. HE is not going to stick to these boundaries, so YOU are going to be hurt.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 821 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 9

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