CKK - I am so sorry that you had to join this club of wonderful people.
It sounds like from the bit of info you provided that you pretty much rugswept the first two A's and didn't deal with the issues that caused them, and certainly didn't allow yourself to grieve the loss of trust, or changes in your relationship.
This is serious stuff, and this one sticks for you because now that you are married you know that if you don't deal with it, and he doesn't do the work to fix whatever is broken in him you will continue to accrue more A's in your history.
A's and the choice of A is caused by nothing you did or didn't do. They are the result of the WS (Wayward spouse) being broken in some capacity emotionally. It requires real hard work to accept the fact they are broken, and to figure out their why, and then do the work to fix whatever that is. For each person it's different. It certainly not a one size fits all thing.
I would encourage you to read here, and read a lot. To your left is the Library, go do some reading. I will bump some threads in the Just Found Out forum with targets to help you understand what you are going through emotionally, and what you can expect going forward.
You are angry because you realize the M you believed you had is gone. You need to grieve the loss of it, just like the death of a loved one.
It's good that you have faith to keep you strong, but forgiveness for the sake of doing what's right doesn't work. Forgiveness is more about acceptance, and letting go. When it truly happens it's more of a gift to yourself than it will be for him. God isn't letting you get past this because he wants you to see you are worth more. He wants you to learn, to grow, and become stronger. Trust in him, and do the work. Make your H do the work. If he doesn't remember this is the one thing that God says is ok to dissolve an M over. That is how destructive infidelity is. It breaks the spirit, soul, and being of the BS (betrayed spouse).
OK enough on that.
Please also do these things for yourself that I tell every newbie.
1. Get tested for STD's if you haven't Don't engage in unprotected sex with your spouse until he does the same, and YOU get the report from the Dr that he is all clear. Because the one thing you do know is he is a liar, and a cheater.
2. See a lawyer, and find out what your rights are, and his responsibilities are in case he isn't willing to do the work. Sometimes, in fact many times we have to be willing to loose our M to save it.
3. This is one is just for you, please please please, do not allow yourself to get pregnant right now. Bringing a baby into this mess doesn't make the M stronger, and won't save it. All it will do is make you feel exhausted and even more stuck.
4. You are worth more, start learning why you are willing to accept a partner that has cheated multiple times. Get codependent no more. Learn to find your voice, and your strength.
Keep reading, keep posting.
[This message edited by tushnurse at 6:35 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]