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So Confused Do not know how to forgive and move on.

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ckk8475 posted 5/21/2014 16:38 PM

Hello I am new to SI. I am glad to know there are others out here going through or have been through what I have. My H has had 3 A on me with in our 10 yrs together.(Married 6 yrs Aug but together 10) The 1st & 2nd time was before we got married and I forgave him and moved on. This last time which happened about 1 yr ago sticks in my head the most. I found pictures which will not leave my head. I go to church and I know that I will never forget but I say I have forgiven him but I haven't. I have a lot of anger in me. I do not want to have sex or have him touch me but I want to make my marriage work. I am so confused and have waives of emotions all the time. How do I move on or do I just give up?


BreatheAgain10 posted 5/21/2014 17:01 PM

Hello ckk,
Welcome to the best club you never wanted to be a part of. So sorry you are in such pain, but trust that you will get so much support and great advice here at SI.
First off, I can relate a little to your story about the first A's that happen before marriage. My fWH had a fling with a little sophomore girl at the end of his senior year of high school while we were just dating. It wasn't a good thing when I found out but it seemed easier to forgive him maybe bc we weren't married and we were both young and immature back then. Also, there was no love or sex involved so it wasn't as devastating to me.
I do however, also relate to you and your pain over the more recent A during marriage. That one did seem to hurt me waaay more than the stupid little HS relationship he had while we were dating. There was sex and "I love you's" involved. That one cut way too deep.
From my personal experience and from what I've learned here and what other BS's will also tell you, your feelings are perfectly normal. It is a crazy emotional roller coaster and as hard as it is to go thru, it is all part of the BS's normal grieving process. Please read from the Healing Library (menu on the left yellow box). There are so many useful articles and FAQ for the BS that can help you understand what we all go thru and also to help us understand the WS's mindset as well.
Please know that if you just found out not too long ago about your WH's latest A, that it's gonna be hard to figure out what you should do while you're still confused. At least until your up and down emotions stabilize more and you can be a better judge of your WS level of remorse. If he's willing to do all it takes to help you heal and you really want to work on forgiving him, then just understand that it takes time. The dreaded four letter word, but it's true.
Post as often as you need to and I'm sure there will be many others commenting soon who have very good (better) advice for you.

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 5:04 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 5/21/2014 18:35 PM

CKK - I am so sorry that you had to join this club of wonderful people.

It sounds like from the bit of info you provided that you pretty much rugswept the first two A's and didn't deal with the issues that caused them, and certainly didn't allow yourself to grieve the loss of trust, or changes in your relationship.

This is serious stuff, and this one sticks for you because now that you are married you know that if you don't deal with it, and he doesn't do the work to fix whatever is broken in him you will continue to accrue more A's in your history.

A's and the choice of A is caused by nothing you did or didn't do. They are the result of the WS (Wayward spouse) being broken in some capacity emotionally. It requires real hard work to accept the fact they are broken, and to figure out their why, and then do the work to fix whatever that is. For each person it's different. It certainly not a one size fits all thing.

I would encourage you to read here, and read a lot. To your left is the Library, go do some reading. I will bump some threads in the Just Found Out forum with targets to help you understand what you are going through emotionally, and what you can expect going forward.

You are angry because you realize the M you believed you had is gone. You need to grieve the loss of it, just like the death of a loved one.
It's good that you have faith to keep you strong, but forgiveness for the sake of doing what's right doesn't work. Forgiveness is more about acceptance, and letting go. When it truly happens it's more of a gift to yourself than it will be for him. God isn't letting you get past this because he wants you to see you are worth more. He wants you to learn, to grow, and become stronger. Trust in him, and do the work. Make your H do the work. If he doesn't remember this is the one thing that God says is ok to dissolve an M over. That is how destructive infidelity is. It breaks the spirit, soul, and being of the BS (betrayed spouse).

OK enough on that.
Please also do these things for yourself that I tell every newbie.

1. Get tested for STD's if you haven't Don't engage in unprotected sex with your spouse until he does the same, and YOU get the report from the Dr that he is all clear. Because the one thing you do know is he is a liar, and a cheater.

2. See a lawyer, and find out what your rights are, and his responsibilities are in case he isn't willing to do the work. Sometimes, in fact many times we have to be willing to loose our M to save it.

3. This is one is just for you, please please please, do not allow yourself to get pregnant right now. Bringing a baby into this mess doesn't make the M stronger, and won't save it. All it will do is make you feel exhausted and even more stuck.

4. You are worth more, start learning why you are willing to accept a partner that has cheated multiple times. Get codependent no more. Learn to find your voice, and your strength.

Keep reading, keep posting.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 6:35 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

ckk8475 posted 5/21/2014 21:35 PM

Thanks for all the advice and I am so happy I found this sight. I know everything takes time and I want to work on my M. I need to exhaust everything before just giving up.

tushnurse posted 5/22/2014 07:47 AM

Just remember to never accept less than you are worth.

slight t/j - I lived in Coppell for 2 years, so Howdy neighbor - end t/j

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/22/2014 08:46 AM

It does sound as though the 3rd time was the 'charm' in that it brought it all crashing down on you. But how many times are you supposed to forgive someone for the same crap?

One time? Three times? Five times?

He knows how it devastated you the first time. He knows how it devastated you the second time.

So he does it a third time?

I think forgiving him yet again is only going to set the vicious cycle back on it's track for more in the future. He's had too many chances.

Good luck to you.

krsplat posted 5/22/2014 09:30 AM

You can forgive, but that does NOT mean you have to accept what he did or allow him to do it again. You can forgive and STILL insist that he shape up or leave.

DO NOT have sex with someone who is still cheating on you. You can get STDs that way. You can die from AIDS that way. Not wanting to have sex is your body's way of protecting yourself right now.

And the confusion and the waves of emotion are normal. Sane reactions to a crazy situation. You're not doing anything wrong, honey, you're just doing what everyone does in this awful situation.

There is no way to fix your marriage unless you WH is remorseful and willing to work even harder than you are. If he is not, then you have the choice to put up with it and continue being cheated on over and over again, or kicking him out and forging a better life for yourself.

Before you can decide what to do next, you need to look at the situation clearly. This will take some time. Is he over the A, and does he have NO contact with any of those OW? Is he sorry? Is he in counseling to figure out why he acted like an ass? Are you in counseling to help you figure things out? (If not, GO!)

I wish you strength and peace, ckk. Welcome, and I am sorry you have to be here.

[This message edited by krsplat at 9:31 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

krsplat posted 5/22/2014 09:30 AM

Damn double post!

[This message edited by krsplat at 9:32 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

mightsurvive posted 5/22/2014 12:25 PM

It seems that you truly want to R. But that does not mean that you need to hide your pain. As many wise members have said there is no way around the pain. You must go through the pain. And why protect your H from your pain? He did not protect you. I'm not saying to beat him up with your pain but perhaps by acknowledging it and working through it together you can begin to heal.

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