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Raspberry posted 5/21/2014 20:16 PM

No matter how much I love this man, I don't know if I can handle staying anymore. I have good days, terrible days, and days like today where I curse myself out. I feel like such a stupid idiot... he cheated on me while I was pregnant ffs! This was supposed to be my best friend....my safe place. He used to calm me down when I had panic attacks, now he's the cause of them resurfacing.

I stood by him during a very bad year....and this is how I get repaid. With disgusting hookers.

F this.

Sorry for the vent. I have no one to talk to about this :(

[This message edited by Raspberry at 8:17 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

mchercheur posted 5/21/2014 20:22 PM

(((Raspberry)))
Believe me, I understand.
Only you can know when it is a deal
breaker for you.
One thing I have learned on this site tho is that R takes a long long time, actually , I think we will be in R for the rest of our lives.
Take as long as you need to make this decision, & then you can always change your mind.

Sending you strength.

JerseyCowgirl posted 5/21/2014 20:37 PM

((Raspberry))
I ditto mchercheur...she is right but wanted to add that maybe you start the 180 process. This will help give you some much needed emotional distance to sort through things. Take your time & Take care of You right now!

mof2 posted 5/21/2014 21:06 PM

Are you sure your WH wasn't the reason for your panic attacks. I ask because I realized my insecurities with my XWH's shadiness, gambling problems, spending problems, suicide attempt, etc. were a result of my panic attacks.

Did you have doubts about his loyalty before you found out he cheated? Did you feel the need to check on him and what he was doing?

I have noticed since my ex has been gone my panic attacks have lessened. I was constantly worried about him and doting on him just to keep him happy so he wouldn't cross that line. Of course, that didn't work.

mof2 posted 5/21/2014 21:06 PM

Sorry, didn't mean to say "result of my panic attacks", they were the cause.

Gotmegood posted 5/22/2014 09:12 AM

Raspberry, I understand your disgust and complete disappointment in your WH's integrity. Let's not forget that in EVERY SINGLE case of infidelity, there exists unthinkable selfishness, whether the betrayal occurs with bottom feeding prostitutes, or a woman he thought he was in 'love' with. For him to choose that road indicates something unacceptably wrong in his moral code and/or coping skill set. For me to get to a place where I can envision remaining in this relationship, I need HIM to be disgusted and disappointed in his actions, and be working really fucking hard to change. I watch like a hawk.

1Faith posted 5/22/2014 11:15 AM

I really don't know if I can stay

And that is okay.

You have to decide what your reality and next steps need be.

It simply may be too much and that is okay.

One day and one step at a time. You matter, don't loose sight of that please.

We are here for you.

(((hugs)))

Raspberry posted 5/23/2014 05:44 AM

I truly dont know if he's disgusted with himself. Probably not since he did it in the first l place. He's trying but its not enough.

JT4588 posted 5/23/2014 11:11 AM

Raspberry, I know exactly how you feel. I just don't think my husband can do enough to make it worthwhile to stay with him. In my case, my husband had a 3 week EA with an old high school girlfriend whom he also had an affair with when he was married to his first wife. I caught him 3 weeks in and that was the end of that. He has been trying to show remorse and his IC and our MC said he has trouble expressing his emotions (he's an engineer). So, perhaps that's why I can't see remorse in him. He has been trying to make amends for what he did, there is NC with the OW and hasn't been since he sent the NC email (although she has tried but hasn't managed to get to him), and he is in therapy.

I left on Monday of this week to give him time to really focus on repentence and getting himself together. I told him if he doesn't allow the Lord to break him and put him on his knees he will never rid himself of this behavior. So, he has spent the week in prayer, meditation, scripture study, and more prayer asking the Lord to break him, make him humble, and show him how to make restitution to me for this.

I am thankful I caught it before it became a PA. It was surely headed in that direction even though he says he would never have gone there. Yeah right!

Anyway, I'm not sure he can do anything to bring me alive again, to prove to me that he has truly changed and will continue changing into the man he has to be in order to be with me. Some days I feel like he can and others I feel completely hopeless. I'm in limbo and it's killing me. I understand completely how you feel about your situation. All I can say is we will know when it's time to give up. Until then we just have to be strong!!

Angeles85 posted 5/23/2014 12:06 PM

((Raspberry))
Just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I'm sure others will give you a good advice...it's been 4 1/2 months after my DDAY/Separation and I still don't know when I will feel happy again...However I can tell you that it DOES get better. Nothing like the first 3 months
We have to learn to forgive ourselves for forgiving them...I know, I had to go trough 3 DDAYS

[This message edited by Angeles85 at 12:10 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]

jamcray posted 6/20/2014 02:58 AM

Hugs.
I'm 2 years nearly past D-day and still don't know if I can stay. I can't even imagine being pregnant in the process. Can you get away for a while to get some clarity?