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Adeahan posted 5/21/2014 23:28 PM

While our R seems to be going well, trying to get my WS to deal with her own issues is like pulling teeth, she will not speak to anyone about it, other then me and even then i have to drag stuff out of her, i am not a therapist i can only deal with so much. I feel like she is only doing stuff to make me happy only when i bring it up or i say something to her, it is very very frustrating and i am getting really tired of being the only one that has to bring anything up, weather it is about the A or her seeing an IC, which she has to start doing or else she is just going to go back to how she was. Even getting her to read stuff on here, she has read one or two things but i might as well had her look at the wall, everything with working on the marriage is going well but if she wont work on her self i dont know what else to do....it is really weighing on my mind and keeping me up, thanks for listening though.

I dont mean to make it sound like she isnt trying, certain areas of the R it really seems like she is, then other parts, not so much.

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/22/2014 03:19 AM

Adeahan, IC was a must for us to R. For me to even attempt to be in this marriage I needed him to work out how he let this occur and how to not let it occur again. My WH was a classic for living on the surface of life, no inward thinking, no reflection, just push all the crap to the back and not deal with it. Well I needed him to deal with it because he got so good at dissasociating that he even went against everything he valued to have an affair with a woman he had barely paid any attention to until she said she like him... Twice! I think you need to work out what YOU need to R. Right now you can't be her therapist, in some ways you can't even be there to support her through this, that's not your job! Your job is to heal you, do everything you can to be the person you want to be. It's not her time to lean on you, it's your time to lean on her. Plus you cannot be responsible for her actions, she has to want to change the things about herself that led her here, you can't do that for her, as annoying and sad as that is sometimes!

Schadenfreude posted 5/22/2014 07:35 AM

The lesson taught here (from the very expensive real life educations on the topic many have received) is that there is a difference between R and False R which is the presence or absence of remorse. Do you see any remorse?

Romantic Innocence is correct that you are not her therapist. You can't make her work on issues she will ignore. We don't have the "banging head against brick wall ". Icon here, but maybe we should.....

Mac4 posted 5/22/2014 08:05 AM

Adeahan, I could have written your exact post as I am experiencing very much the same thing with my WW. When I bring things up to discuss about the A my wife tells me she thinks about it and is still hurting and upset about it. But she does not bring it up. Which means everytime I bring it up, then I make her feel bad. And this seems crazy, but despite the A I do still love her and don't want to make her feel bad. Thus, I am constantly balancing my need to discuss things against her needs. Moreover, I would like to see more visible effort from my WW. She attended IC for a few months and we are still in MC, but at times she seems ready to move on and I am no where near that.

What I did was give my wife the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair". Some others recommended it here on SI. I gave it to my wife a few days ago and expect that she will read it. Hopefully that will communicate to her better what I need for recovery. Might be worth a try for you too. It is a very short read.

You are not alone. R is a struggle and hard work, but hopefully the reward is a healthier and happy marriage in the end. Best of luck.

sisoon posted 5/22/2014 08:46 AM

My W was a therapist, and I guarantee that a decent M requires the partners not to be each other's therapist. Among other things, therapists can't ethically have sex with their clients.

The biggest impediment to R, IMO, is a WS who wants R but who is not in IC with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner.

I can believe your W has the best intentions, but she needs to change, and very few people can make the necessary changes without outside intervention and support.

I'm not saying your W is a bad person or a lost cause. I'm saying that you need to make IC a deal breaker. You can do it lovingly, but you need to do it.

JMO, of course.

fst86411 posted 5/22/2014 08:57 AM

I agree that IC is a must, but in saying that I am a hypocrite. I have been waiting on my wife to get into IC longer than I'd like to admit. She has the number of a very good one but everytime I ask if she has called and set up an appointment she has some excuse. I feel like her parent or dad telling her she has to do this. Despite the affair I think she doesn't want to admit that she is broken.

sunnyrain posted 5/22/2014 10:00 AM

Speaking as a WS, I don't necessarily think IC should be a requirement to recovering the M. I do however fully support MC. I also don't think every WS is broken or has FOO issues to uncover. Sometimes an A truly does develop like Shirley Glass outlines in NJF.

My best advice, Adeahan, is to take your own situation into account before making IC a requirement for her. You are both also very early on in the recovery phase, and she's likely reeling from all the emotions she's feeling and trying to get her feet back underneath her, much like yourself. As a WS, knowing you've caused all this chaos is overwhelming on its own and can be extremely hard to digest. IMHO, when demands start piling on, there is potential for both spouses to disengage further from the M. I'm not saying that IC can't be encouraged, I'm just saying that if she's making progress and displaying actions that she wants the M, that everything doesn't have to be tackled at once.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/22/2014 11:52 AM

Speaking as a WS, I don't necessarily think IC should be a requirement to recovering the M. I do however fully support MC

While IC may not be indicated for every WS, dragging an introspection-resistant WW to MC is a complete waste of time and likely to cause more harm than good.

The idea of starting IC was terrifying for me, but after what I did? It was clear I needed to suck it up and finally get professional help. For me, for BH, for our kids, regardless of the outcome of our M.

i have to drag stuff out of her

Respectfully...no you don't. Quit it.

trying to get my WS to deal with her own issues is like pulling teeth

You're right, and it's a battle I advise you to surrender, because you cannot win. Taking a hard look at herself, her choices, is a journey upon which she must embark alone, when she's ready. You cannot control her, you can only control yourself.

sunnyrain posted 5/22/2014 12:06 PM

While IC may not be indicated for every WS, dragging an introspection-resistant WW to MC is a complete waste of time and likely to cause more harm than good.

Oh, sorry. I did not mean to suggest that he drag her to anything. Just offering up a different route to consider when she is ready.

I did MC, but not IC (unless you count a few individual sessions with the MC as IC). I found MC very helpful and did not consider it a waste of time.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/22/2014 12:35 PM

T/j
((Sunnyrain)) Sorry if it seemed like I was criticizing your opinion, not my intention, and I didn't think you were implying anything of the sort.
End t/j.

PollyA posted 5/22/2014 12:39 PM

I also fully support the WS going to IC. My H wasted $1300 on MC when he was still lying to me....

WHAT A WASTE! Of money and 6 months of time that could've been spent recovering instead of continued injury.

Without the WS knowing fully WHY the abuse occurred (that's what I'm calling Affairs from now on), how can they speak clearly in MC?

Adeahan posted 5/22/2014 14:34 PM

thanks for the responses, my W messaged me today while i was at work to tell me she has set up an appointment to see an IC on Monday at noon so that is a big step because i know how hard it is for her to talk to anyone about it, hopefully it is a first step.

As far as her going to IC, without going into her personal detail, it is the right thing to do, lets say there was no A, it is probably something that should have happened a while ago, due to emotional abuse issues from a close family member, which still happens.

As for remorse, i have seen it, and true remorse i believe, at first you wonder is it just quilt because they got caught or remorse for the choice they made? i am sure a lot of people say this but this whole thing was so out of character for my W, i feel like it was a very bad/stupid decision that snowballed into a bunch of other bad/stupid decisions and got out of control, which is when i found out. Other then that 3/4 day stretch where she was meeting guys online and spent the night with he one, she is not a bad person, she has just been an attention seeking self appointed "victim" for too long and that needs to change.

I will worry about my kids and myself now, i will continue to love my W until i die and beyond and will continue to grow and learn to be the best father and husband i can be, but now my W needs to work on herself and it is a journey she needs to take, ill be there by her side and will help in any way of she asks but she has to do this, to keep me and her family she has to do it.

somethingremorse posted 5/22/2014 14:46 PM

i am sure a lot of people say this but this whole thing was so out of character for my W

This is absolutely true. Which is why WS need some kind of help to figure out how we got into a place that was so foreign to us. You are thinking correctly.

Hang in there

LdyD posted 5/22/2014 15:42 PM

I could have written this exact thread word for word!

Another thing with my WH is that when I suggest IC, he says he wants the MC to cover his issues with me present. I'm at my wits end because I feel like I'm having to 'shrink' him and he just agrees with everything I say.

[This message edited by LdyD at 3:43 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

Adeahan posted 5/26/2014 14:14 PM

So she started IC today, seems like it went well, i told her i would ask what they talked about but i would gladly listen if she wanted to talk about anything, so she told me a little about her first session, i am glad she is doing this i think it will help and not just with us, but with her which will in turn help us.