I found out about it a week after it happened and my H went completely nuts. He accused me of cheating on him (never did, never wanted to). We did MC and the MC said he had to allow me access to his phone. When we got home I picked up his phone and he got physical to the point of leaving bruises on me. I kicked him out and he called the police on me. Sad thing is even though I showed the police my bruises the police said there was nothing they could do since I hadn't called them when it happened nor could I keep WH out of the house. It was a living nightmare and I could not believe my once loving sweet husband had turned into such a frothing maniac.
Sept 21st 2012 he finally moved in with one of his friends. And things got even worse. He talked to one of his friends about taking the kids and moving out of state somewhere I could never find them. He "forgot" to come get the kids on one of his weekends and I had to bring them to work with me. He showed up at my work hours later screaming and blaming me for his tardiness to the point where my boss threatened to call the police on him. When I was at work and the kids were at school he would bring random girls to the house and have them call and harass me. And so much more.
OW had slept with a mutual friend's husband and on the advice of SI I ended up telling that mutual friend and later sent her a link to this site. At first the other BW didn't believe me so I'm sure she showed OW and husband my FB messages. I hadn't lived here very long so all my friends were OW's friends first. They stayed friends with OW so other than telling them WH cheated I stopped talking to them. The only people who knew all the details were my mom and brothers, my childhood best friend from my hometown, and SI. So there is no other way they could have known about how crazy WH was acting. The OW and her husband threatened to our mutual friends they would say I had sex with OW's husband to get back at me for telling on OW to the other BW. And they hoped WH really went off the deep end and hurt me. After that display of hatefulness all of the mutual friends dumped the OW and her husband and rallied behind me 100%.
I had talked to a lawyer and was waiting on my income tax check to officially hire her to file the divorce. On March 6th, the very day my tax return came in the mail, WH got rushed to the hospital because his colon ruptured. Turns out he had colon cancer that had spread to his liver. The colon mass was so large it burst his colon and the mass on his liver was 9cm. (all I could think at the time was holy shit, that liver mass was almost large enough to push a baby through) The liver mass stopped his liver from functioning properly, causing his waste to break the blood/brain barrier. Literally he had shit in his brain.
Of course I immediately offered to take care of him since his family is so far away. He moved back in March 15th 2012 to the spare room. But even his grim prognosis didn't stop him from being an asshole. As soon as he had complete access to the kids he started bringing them around his new gf. (I had limited his visits with the kids to my house ONLY after he threatened to run out of state with them) On April 8th the kids told me he had been bringing them around the new gf. He called them liars and I flipped out, (yelling only). He got physical again. So I called his parents, told them what was going on, and begged them to come take care of him. Nope, they just couldn't do that. I called his new gf (figured out her number by looking through the phone records) and begged her to take care of him. Nope, she was in a custody dispute with her " 3rd baby daddy" and if she let some man move in with her she would lose that kid. So I told her that if I found out she so much as talked to him again I would find out where she lived and dump all his stuff on her front lawn and he would be her problem. She quickly agreed to leave him alone.
The next year was worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. Between chemo, surgeries, watching him waste away to nothing, being treated like a saint on "good" days to cursed like a dog on "bad" days, holding it all together for him when he wanted to give up, staying strong and positive for the kids, keeping track of my work duties, his medicine, doctor appointments, kids schedules, etc, I don't know how I managed to not end up in a padded room.
In Nov he had the last surgery and is probably cancer free. The scan right after surgery showed 2 swollen lung lymph nodes. They are either an infection or more cancer. We will find out next month. If they are still there it's cancer. Surgery will not be an option so he will have to do even more chemo and radiation so fingers, toes, eyes, and ears crossed....
Our relationship status is separated. I still plan on filing for divorce as soon as he is officially cancer free. I promised I would take care of him until the cancer is gone and I keep my word. And I've made that clear to him through out this whole mess. No mixed signals, other than pecks on the cheeks and hugs before surgeries and chemo, no physical contact at all.
But I am scared that he will go nuts again when I file. When I try to talk about it he shuts me down and tries to make me feel guilty. Then he gift bombs me. Expensive gifts that I don't want (example: he bought me a new iPod a couple months ago and it still sits unopened in the box) I just don't know what to do to make it sink in that I am done. : /
Is there a possibility of setting him up in a nursing facility?
Last Mother's Day he took a gun and drove off. I talked to him on the phone for hours, begging him to come home. I was so scared and when I mentioned calling the cops on him he threatened to end it because with any sort of criminal charges he would lose his job and then would be completely useless to the kids. So I couldn't do that to him. I felt and still feel he needs to be close to the kids.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
You think he should still be around your kids? After leaving bruises on you? Really?!?
I'm not sure where he should go, but you have every right to move on with your life and get out of this abusive hellhole.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Oh, and put that iPod on ebay.. You're gonna need new stuff anyway..
I understand wanting to live up to your promise. It's your choice to stay with him, but as others have pointed out, it truly is not your obligation. Marriage is a contract and when one person breaks that contract, said contract is nullified. Betrayal is a deal breaker, and all bets are off.
I met him in 1998 when I was 19 and he was the sweetest guy ever. We had a great marriage. We really were best friends. About 5 years ago he started changing. I had been a stay at home mom who just started working again, we just moved to a new state, and he took a high stress job so I attributed his changing attitude to all of that. In hindsight, after talking to his doctors, that is when his cancer (liver) would have been large enough to start causing problems. He went from being so patient and kind to getting irritated and aggravated about everything. About 4 years ago a girl rear ended his truck and for a few seconds I thought he was going to punch her. His friend who was in the truck with us had to grab him and move him away from her. Another time someone cut him off and he started screaming and throwing stuff at their car. Crazy stuff like that. He didn't act like that all the time, but when he did it was scary. But until DDay he had never directed his anger at me or the kids.
I've had a lot of people tell me I should have left him to deal with this on his own but if I did that what kind of person would that make me? I see a hurt animal on the side of the road and I stop. I couldn't let a person much less the father of my kids and someone I had 13 great years with deal with this alone. And he absolutely would have been alone. What message would that send to my kids? And through all of this shitting mess he has stayed a good dad to them, other than the occasional screaming at me. Which trust me I know is terrible. But I pull them to the side and explain that their dad is very sick, that he doesn't really mean it. And that IS the truth.
Any doctor will tell you that attitude has a lot to do with beating cancer. If I left him to face it alone I know in my heart he would give up. So I did what I had to do. As long as the two new spots on his lungs are not cancer he did it, he beat it.
The problem is even though he is much better, he will probably never be the way he was. And since he did get violent before I do worry that he may again. When I try to talk about the divorce he shuts me down so I'm not sure what to do, providing his new scan is negative. If it's positive I'll let him stay and help him through whatever comes next. If not I'm going to file. I have already talked to a lawyer. I have plenty money to hire her now, unlike in 2012 when I needed my tax return.
Does he have any plans depending on how the tests turn out? Does he have a support system besides you like friends or family members?
Sounds like you are ready to move on, but he's getting defensive when you discuss it. Just wondering if it's because he doesn't know what to do next..
Just for my situation, my ex is healthy and a big boy, so I don't consider it my problem what happens to him.. Like you, I'm sure I would give him support if he needed it medically.. But having the bulk of his care come from somewhere else would allow me to move forward with my own life and focus on the kids..
Sending strength and prayers for his test results and that he understands and respects your wishes..
His family (and mine) are too far away to be of any real help. And pretty much all of the friends he made when we moved here were lost when they found out what he did to me. So no, he doesn't have a support system here. That was the main reason I agreed to let him move back in and help him when he was diagnosed.
Thank you for understanding. This was not easy but I feel most people would have done the same if faced with the choices I had to make. Before I knew he had cancer I did kick him out. He had an apartment with his friend for 7 months until he was diagnosed. In that 7 months I was doing ok on my own. Cancer is scary. Stage 4 cancer as severe as his was absolutely terrifying.
It is absolutely possible that his cancer has metastasized to his brain.
My stepdad had a brain tumor, it was not until they found out it was cancer, that my mom starting putting 2 and 2 together about his odd behavior at time. The anger and mood swings he never had. The doctor did confirm that it was most likely his tumor. Same thing with my mother in law when it started to effect her brain and uncle in law. If it is not aggressive I would no doubt suspect that it has gone to the brain.
Can you talk to his doctor about this?
this would not cause his cheating but it would cause his behavior.
You are a strong woman and you have stuck to your vows. I understand that you are done. And I understand also why you are doing this. You are a lovely soul.
Many blessing coming your way hon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
I've never personally dealt with or known anyone with dementia but a lady in a cancer caregiver support group, whose husband had the same issues as mine, said what she was dealing with from her husband was a lot like what she dealt with when her father had dementia. Memory lapses, easily frustrated, irrational anger, and so on. So while it was awful to live through I can't really blame my WH for his behavior. With my own eyes I saw his liver function panel, I listened to the Oncologist explain what happens when the waste from a non functioning liver penetrates the blood-brain barrier, and I read stories in caregiver support groups that mirrored what he was going through. And I've known my WH for 16 years. I know that wasn't really him.
Because you (and BG) mentioned codependence I spent a few hours really reading up on it and I don't think it applies in my case. I did kick him out. I was doing ok on my own and I did have a plan for my future without him. Had he not found out about cancer we would be divorced right now. I think sometimes, in certain circumstances, you HAVE to be a giver and not a taker. Under the broad guidelines of codependency a person who donates a kidney to save a life could be classified as codependent in that they are putting someone else's well being above their own. When I took on the role as his caregiver yes I put his needs above my own, but only because of the circumstances and only temporarily. Were the roles reversed and I was the one diagnosed I know he would have done the same. Our whole relationship we had a give/ take system. Sometimes he did more, sometimes I did more as circumstances dictated. Even my mom, who was furious with him, agreed he would have been there for me. My mom lived with us for 3 years when her house was destroyed so at one time she was very close to WH and knows him. Buuuut if I were the one with cancer I would have quit my job and moved back home with my family and friends.
I don't think he is NPD at all. I know he manipulated me and took advantage of me (especially in the beginning of this journey before he started healing) Now he is better and hasn't talked about killing himself or giving up in many months. At the beginning of this crap I know he would have given up. I know he would not have taken care of himself the way he needed to.