I texted him about DS tonight and he said "Don't text me anymore. You're fucking evil." I asked why and he said "I'm serious. No more emails either. I hope you celebrate me losing my job". I said "Why would you lose your job and why would I celebrate that? We have a child together and need to coordinate care". He says "there's nothing to coordinate" I asked about his weekends and he said "Enjoy your garnished child support. That should cover everything. I don't want anything to do with you. please leave me alone. Thanks". I basically said I wasn't happy with him either since he treated me horribly but unless he doesn't want to see DS we have to communicate in some way. He did not respond.
WTF. I can't believe I lowballed his salary and my child care costs because I was worried about his finances (since he already pays a lot for OC). This is the thanks I get. I was already feeling a little low because I happen to know one of his girlfriends is flying out to meet him in NY on his miles. Now someone I loved and sacrificed for for 15 years is calling me evil. I knew it would happen. I have known he is NPD for a while and was waiting for the moment when he would turn angry and everything would be my fault. It still smarts. But worst of all it's scary. He hasn't moved out yet and now I'm nervous he will be more emotionally abusive towards me or even DS. I'm worried he'll take DS away just to spite me (even though now that I have custody I'd call the police on his ass). I'm so glad that I dropped off DS's spare car seat at my friend's place, and I'll be keeping my keys protected so he can't take mine. He gets so angry I just don't want him to snap. He won't be back till Monday so part of my hope was that he will have calmed down by then. I wish I had family that could stay with us. If he follows through on his threat to not see DS I will start looking into moving to SoCal for more support...
If you think he is going to get physical or verbally abusive when he comes back you really need to protect yourself. Why is he getting until July to move out? Get a temporary restraining order ASAP and force him to stay somewhere else. You cannot put yourself or your DS in danger!!
How can I get a restraining order when he hasn't threatened me or done me physical harm?
He might not in the house for most of May or June but it appears that he is in the house enough. You are Divorced, you have custody, it's your house... the cards are all in your hands and yet you keep dealing him in.... we both know what is going to happen come July... he will have ignored the fact that time is running out and start being "nice" again... you will feel bad and tell him that he can stay until he finds a place... or maybe until the end of the month... and the Snake is back.
You also need to hard 180 until you kick him out. You are not detached. Please, for you own well being and your sons, get this guy out of your house. He adds nothing to you life but drama and guilt.
If when he returns he is being abusive in any way, you take your DS and head to the police station and get help with a restraining order.
If he has keys to the house I would look into getting the locks changed... Get your ducks in a row while he is gone. You shouldn't have to live this way.
I don't know what it is about wage garnishment that sets them off, but I suspect it's a control thing.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
You can't play nice with a NPD. They always want more.
^^^ This. I'm so sorry. Pretend he doesn't even exist. You're getting IC I hope?
Calling you evil is a pretty obvious case of projection. Fuck. That. Guy.
[This message edited by Softcentre at 8:24 AM, May 23rd, 2014 (Friday)]
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him
You might want to head to the police station now to find out what your options are. If it's your house and you are divorced I would suspect if you kick him out and he wont leave you can call the police and have them get him out. If he gets out of hand while it's happening I would guess you could get a restraining order.
this establishes that you have concerns for your safety and well being.
The police will be better to deal with if you go in calm and collected, and make them aware of the situation, and when he is expected back, not necessarily a RO, but being around when he does come back.
Based on what you have said, you have the house, and he is now a tenant. If he actually wants to complain, it would be landlord/tenant law, and would most likely be small claims court. What are the chances he will pursue anything based on his history? If you go before a judge, you repeat his actions, and how you found a place for him, and his stuff. Really not much to complain about.
As for contact. I would nc his a$$. Document everything he has txt/emailed to you. Then wait for him to contact you regarding EOW.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
Keep a log of the texts and his responses. You offered time with the kid and he denied it with "X Y Z" at "XX hours on this date". Offer once or twice more (only via text or email) once things have calmed down to prove and establish a pattern.
It's not a man thing either. As a guy, I'm upset I have to give spousal to my cheater wife. I am not upset I have to give her child support. But no matter how upset I may be, I don't blame her for the law and California Guideline Calculator providing an amount that I think is too generous. The law is the law, and in the meantime I discuss with my L how we can eventually legally lower it (which means her getting a job, as I have my kids half the time). It simply is what it is. I simply don't mention it, live with it and chalk it to the price of the learning experience of "don't get involved with unremorseful people". But I continue coparenting.
Keep reminding yourself, all of this is the natural consequence of his actions. He's acting like a teenager about it, and the best course of action is to try not to react to it..