In mediation today, the mediator told me to think of this as a business transaction, and to really think about legal separation so that I can take advantage of WH health benefits while I look for a job that can provide me with good coverage. The might be six months, maybe longer, hard to tell since the offers are not rolling in.
I had my options going in, and the best solution we agreed to if we divorce is that I pay for my own ins. with WH paying what he would on his plan, maybe $50. My issue, he doesn't want to pay off the car loan with cash on hand, so I would have two payments a month in the $250-330 range. Which is really not feasible.
So how does one deal with legal separation knowing WH is in a relationship? Is it just me that thinks this is still cheating? Should I put that aside and really think of it as divorce, just not the final stamp?
[This message edited by Acer0112 at 11:58 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
t thinks this is still cheating? Should I put that aside and really think of it as divorce, just not the final stamp?
Also check on the health insurance thing. In my state/ with my carrier LS only meant I was eligible for cobra through his employer, not that I could stay on the plan as I am now. Then found out his company is too small to qualify for cobra. So there was no advantage to LS at all for me. The insurance carrier gave me that info.
the best solution we agreed to if we divorce is that I pay for my own ins. with WH paying what he would on his plan, maybe $50. My issue, he doesn't want to pay off the car loan with cash on hand, so I would have two payments a month in the $250-330 range. Which is really not feasible
Why would you agree to this? I told my L I wanted the cost of my health insurance included in SS. Why can't you request the same until you find employment? And why should your WH decide that the car loan not be paid off with cash on hand? If it would be best for you to have it paid off, why are you not insisting it be paid off?
Your WH is taking advantage of your desire "to be fair." He is not looking out for you. No one is. You need to look out for yourself.
Why would you agree to this? I told my L I wanted the cost of my health insurance included in SS. Why can't you request the same until you find employment? And why should your WH decide that the car loan not be paid off with cash on hand?
He's being stubborn to only pay coverage if I stay under his company insurance. He thinks the car should be paid off from the accident settlement when that comes in, but I think that shouldn't be touched. Plus, mediator pointed out some math that I would owe him because higher asset, but now that I think about it, he still has more assets overall, not looking just at cars. Grrr, I'm mad at mediator about a few things.
I am running all of thus by a lawyer before we finalize, just not sure who gives...
I understand why you were talked into mediation. You wanted to save money. I felt the exact same way initially. I considered mediation and collaborative divorce. I felt like if we had to pay tons in attorney fees, there would be less money to split.
What I realized, though, is I needed someone to advise me, at every step, what was in my best interest...not only pragmatically, but what was best for me emotionally. My L has often asked,"Do you feel comfortable with that?" He told me initially when I hired him, "My job is to protect you." The security of knowing I have someone to champion me is worth every penny.
I'm not slamming mediation. It works for many people. But when it comes to infidelity, I think there is a moral obligation for the WS to offer compensation. Marriage is a legal contract. In any other area of contract law, when a contract is broken, there are consequences for the person who breaches it.
I'm not advocating that you try to squeeze WH dry. But you deserve compensation for him breaking the contract, destroying your family and your life. Depending on how long you've been married, you deserve concessions on his part for a certain amount of time. That's fair. WH won't think so, but what do you care? He's moved on and loves someone else.
Stay strong, Acer. Fight for yourself.
The mediator did tell him he should consider compensating me for at least half of the dissipation amount spent on his affair, so she did give some emotional input. She kept saying, you have caused her a lot if pain, you will want to consider it. Plus it's not that much in the grand scheme of things, but I will take half if not all, just to have the point made to him he spent a vacation trip plus some on his childish mid life crisis affair.
I'm losing our sporting tickets since they are not in our name, I can maybe buy a game here and there, but will miss that. I'm losing his family condo vacation spot. I will have to keep strong and get the car paid off and some part of benefits covered, and ask for divorce.
Our problem, we don't know my earning capacity
I'm an RN. I worked part time before we separated. I quit my job because I moved away to be closer to my daughter and her family. My L knows my earning potential and that will be factored in WHEN I gain employment. My nursing skills are very specialized, so it's been difficult to find a position. I very much want to work. I enjoy it. It brings me pride and satisfaction, so I am actively looking.
In the meantime, my L has requested that STBXWH pay SS calculated on my present income, which is zero. This is how it works in Calif.
Unless it is different where you are, your SS should be determined on your present earnings, not your potential. What happens if you don't meet that potential, and you signed an agreement for a lower SS? Then you're screwed.
If, in the future, your income does increase, your WH can petition the court to lower SS. But for now, please don't let them determine your SS on what they think you can earn.
A lot of agreements work this way and ask for a recalculation in a year. That way you've got a year of support. If you find something making more than minimum wage, you've gat a few months to catch up before things change.